“Flirting is fun and usually begins in innocence. It’s a hard habit to break, even after marriage. Yet it causes jealousy. Worse, it puts us into situations we never intended to fall into, and it creates misunderstandings that can lead to infidelity” (Jerry Jenkins).
Whether intentional or not, flirting with someone other than your spouse is a form of emotional unfaithfulness. It’s a serious relationship matter, especially to the offended spouse. That’s why we’re approaching this subject by sharing a portion of a TV program titled, “You’re Not the Person I Married,” aired December 5, 2002 on the Dr Phil Show (which you can find more information about concerning this particular program and additional information, by following the provided “Show Archives” link to DrPhil.com).
In this show one of the couples, Joe and Karmen, were battling over his flirting with other women and the emotional affairs he later developed with several of them. To Joe, it was all innocent fun, because as he said, “there was no sex involved.” But Karmen felt hurt and betrayed.
They set up that segment of the program, showing a tape of both Joe and Karmen explaining their “sides” on the issue. Karmen said,
“I was in love with Joe, and he swore that he’d be faithful to me when we got married. Joe’s been involved with several women over the years, and he says they’re just emotional affairs, but they bother me just the same. I’m suspicious of everything that Joe says to me, and I’m constantly checking up on him.”
To that Joe responds,
“I never thought I would really be able to give up the attention I want from other women. The flirtations with women I have, they’re just romantic. There’s no sex involved.” And “when I tell the truth” (to Karmen when questioned by her) she”gets hurt, so I sometimes have to lie to save her feelings. To be honest, I never thought we’d be married as long as we are now. I think the kids right now have a lot to do with us still being together.”
They then, show a segment where Karmen’s sitting with her son who was crying telling his mom “it’s all my fault” for the problems they’re having. After the video, Dr Phil asks, “Joe, you just saw the toll this has taken on your son. So how much fun is that flirting now?” to which Joe replied, “It’s not fun at all.”
Karmen said,
“He didn’t know that was going to be on there, but I wanted him to see how bad he’s hurting our son without him even realizing it. My son came to me and said, ‘It’s my fault Dad’s unhappy with life because Dad told me he wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for us and he’s unhappy being here.’ I said, ‘Joel, he was trying to let you know how much he loves you; that even though he’s not happy with himself, he’s here for you, that he loves you.’ But, of course, my son didn’t take it that way.”
Dr Phil addressing Joe, said,
“You say, ‘I got married, knowing I wouldn’t want to give up the affection of other women. I’m having emotional affairs, but nothing physical.’ You know, just color me cynical, but I don’t believe that. I’m not saying you are or you aren’t —I have no evidence. I can’t prove one way or the other—all I know is what you say, and just one guy to another, I don’t believe that for a split second. But—that’s your position. And then you go say this to your children? Do you feel any responsibility to the health and welfare of this family as it relates to your choices?”
Joe replied, “I never knew my choices would really affect the family the way they have. I have, in the past, thought sometimes, it’s better we should just split up, however.” Dr Phil said, “Well, that’s one option, that’s true, to just say, ‘You know, I’ll just go—and y’all make your own way.’ Joe then admitted, “You know, I like what I have. You know, I love Karmen; I love the kids. I don’t want to give that up either.”
When Dr Phil asked Karmen if she felt betrayed by these emotional affairs, she said, “They hurt just the same as if he was out having a physical affair.” Dr. McGraw said, “Well, you are betrayed” and then turned to Joe and asked him if it truly was a betrayal to which Joe affirmed that they were.
Phil then said to him, “Because let me tell you, anytime you turn away from instead of towards your partner to meet emotional needs, physical needs, needs that are appropriate to a committed, intimate relationship, that’s a betrayal. So you have these needs, and you’re turning away from your wife to meet those needs. What do you expect her to do about that?”
Joe replied, “Well, I know I lost her trust. And I know it will be hard to regain it. But all I can do is say I’m sorry. The feeling I was looking for was that new relationship feeling. We’ve been married 14 years, and, you know, I miss that feeling.
Dr Phil then said, “So you thought, ‘I’ll just go get it somewhere else. And I’ll let my children pick up the tab for that immaturity, I’ll let my wife pick up the tab for that immaturity, and I’ll let our family go down in flames, so I can get a rush every 30 days?’”
Joe said, “See, I never really looked at it that way. I didn’t think it affected them a lot of times, I guess really it was, ‘What they don’t know don’t hurt’.”
Dr Phil then replied, “You said, ‘When I got married, I knew I wasn’t going to give up my want for these other women. I didn’t think we would stay married very long.’ So I guess you just thought you’d just bring some kids in the world and then just kind of leave them in your wake as you went to the next conquest. ‘What they don’t know doesn’t hurt them.’ Are you rethinking that as you sit here now?”
Joe said, “Oh, definitely, yes.” Dr Phil then said, “That’s a good thing because this is about wake-up calls. I’m not trying to beat you up. I’m trying to wake you up and get you to realize what you’re doing here.”
Joe acknowledged that he now saw his behavior in a different light and that he had been wrong but he wasn’t able to make a firm promise to stop for fear that if he failed he’d hurt his wife again with another “broken promise.” He did say he “wanted to” stop flirting and seeing other women.
At that point, Dr Phil said,
“Listen, I understand. Isn’t it all fun when you’re falling in love and everything is new and fresh and all that? That’s all fun just like riding a roller-coaster is great fun for some people. But the truth is, as we mature, we realize that love doesn’t get old; it just transforms.
You know, at first, you’re up all night talking and you’re doing all of this stuff and everybody gets all excited and everything. And I always hear them say, ‘Oh, we’re like soul mates. She knows me so well, she can finish my sentences.’ Then two years later, it’s, like, ‘Hey quit interrupting.’ OK? You know we get that evolution, but we label it as negative when really it’s just a change.”
“I don’t stay up all night talking to my wife because I want to go to sleep. But you know what? It may not be exactly the same; it’s better, but different. If you mature enough to allow that to happen, what you find out is—in exchange for some of the exhilaration in the unknown, you have comfort, you have security —you have a soft place to fall. And when you put effort and energy into it, you can create that exhilaration at the right time along the way.
But in the meantime, you mature into nurturing what’s there, learning to label that the same way you label the others. There’s a big difference between falling in love and being in love.”
We appreciate how Dr Phil tried to bring a wake up call to Karmen and Joe and to all married couples who will listen who feel flirtations aren’t harmful. What may seem to be “innocent” flirting in the eyes of one spouse who is directing it at someone other than their marriage partner, can spiral into all sorts of problems with a lot of innocent people to getting hurt. That’s not what marriage partnership is supposed to involve.
It comes down to the fact that marriage is designed to be entered into by grown-ups — those who are willing to act as mature adults, who vow to join together in exclusive partnership with each other and with God as a “chord of three strands.” It’s a relationship that is to be honored as sacred and protected by both partners so no one outside the marriage has the opportunity to “divide what God has joined together.” (See Mark 10:7-9)
You might find it helpful to follow something that author Jerry Jenkins discovered and shared in his book, Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It (which we highly recommend). He wrote,
“Because I enjoy having fun and being funny, and because my mind tends to find humor in words and unusual combinations of ideas, I could easily flirt with anyone I thought was receptive. Much flirting is funny. If someone says something flirtatious with me, my first impulse is to expand on it, play with it, see how quick and funny I can be. But I resist that. It isn’t fair. It’s mental and emotional unfaithfulness. I would be exercising a portion of my brain and soul reserved for my exclusive lover —my spouse.”
Jerry knows, and so should we, that this isn’t what we should be doing. It’s not God’s way and it shouldn’t be our way either. Think about it, isn’t that what marriage is supposed to be? Exclusive? If not, why marry? We need to consider what God’s word says about our actions:
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral” (Hebrews 13:4).
The flirtatious spouse might not think that he or she is being “sexually immoral” because he/she isn’t actually going through a physical, sexual act with another person. However, the Word of God says,
“But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person — such a man is an idolater — has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God” (Ephesians 5:3-5).
Also, it is written:
“You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell” (Matthew 5:27-29).
We beg you to save your flirting for your spouse. Invest your energies in your marriage instead of with someone else. You could find your relationship so much better, feeling newer and revived. And as a result you, your spouse, your children, and your God will be blessed.
Jerry Jenkins has a suggestion in his book that is a good one:
“If you want to flirt, flirt with your wife. She may not look, feel, or sound the way she did when you first flirted with her years ago, but she still wants you to flirt with her. Try it. Wink at her across the room. Blow her a kiss no one else sees. Play footsie with her under the table. Give her a squeeze, a pinch, a tickle no one else notices.”
He continues this thought by saying,
“Wouldn’t you like to be flirted with by someone who loves you, someone who can tease you about what she might do with you later and then deliver?”
Even if you think someone else might enjoy your flirtations as much or more than your spouse, when you took your marriage vows, you promised exclusivity with your marriage partner. So instead, try flirting with your spouse—you may like it! And it may just help to keep your romance alive—just as it has for us as we’ve flirted with each other throughout our almost 38 year old marriage.
Steve and Cindy Wright
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(USA) This article could not be more true. Infidelity, both the full-blown consummated affair, and the emotional varieties are something that I have been on the ugly side of, and which I have studied in depth. I have counseled couples and more often than not, the danger (by the one doing the emotional cheating) is termed nothing more than "harmless fun" or "innocent flirting".
It’s not so innocent or harmless as it turns out. As noted in the article, once the "soul mate" thing occurs, Look Out! If I only had a nickel for every person who has run off with their "it’s only a friend" partner –disrupting families in the process. But even if they do not leave, they do not realize the impact upon the spouse. The level of betrayal and hurt is huge — in fact they negate it which only compounds the hurt. Nor do they realize the devastating effect it has on the family even if they are not "caught". When the attention is turned elsewhere, the marriage and the family automatically suffers.
(MEXICO) I am married to my second husband of 9 years who is 68 (I am 59). I am his third wife. We are getting ready to separate. He retired 2 years ago and we moved to Mexico. I work, he does not. He has always been very charming to all women, kissing hands and acting flirtatious. He has particular interest in young attractive women in their 20s and 30s.
Prior to moving here they were usually artists or someone whom he had something in common. Since moving here these flirtations have become more involved "friendships" my husband tells me. I have told him many times how uncomfortable I am with these. These young woman hardly speak his language (he is not yet fluent in Spanish). He tells me he needs affection. I see this as emotional abandonment/infidelity. I thought for the last 8 years I was just insecure, even though I felt uncomfortable. I now realize that it is a problem. At my age I find it humiliating.
(ST.MARTIN) I have recently married to the man of my dreams. It has been just three months now and already I am experiencing this problem. My husband is addicted to the internet and loves to flirt with women on various websites and chatrooms. One day while looking for some photos on our computer I stumbled upon pornographic pictures of a woman he was having cyber sex with. Not only that but he was also exposing his private parts and masturbating on webcam for her.
Upon further searching I discovered more conversations saved from his msn chats with other women, saying things to them that he should be saying only to me. I cannot say how much this has hurt me and caused me to lose complete trust in him. It has taken a tole on my health also in that every time I see him sitting at the computer I suspect that he is back to his lies, deception and infidelity and immediately I begin to get panic attacks and I hyperventilate.
I am 31 years old and I don’t know how long I can continue like this. I confronted him about it and it seems to me like he values his cyber escapades more than the happiness of his wife and the success of his marriage.
Can someone please advise me as to what I should do? I have not stopped being a virtuous woman and I do everything in my power to make my husband happy.
(CANADA) Hello Nadine, I can’t really give you advice. But I had a similar disappointment with my husband. I tried to convince him to stop by crying, begging, yelling, screaming, counselling, distancing, everything. Nothing worked. He wasn’t as aggressive with his online dabbling but it did go on for over 10 years.
Finally I found myself nearly a single mom, a stay-at-home mom, who had given up on her marriage without realizing it. It was all a sad situation.
Feeling so disrespected and so dejected for so long, with our love life lacking any sparkle and our romantic life non-existent, I fell hard for the first seductive snake that paid any attention to me in the schoolyard. I didn’t have an affair of my own but I came dangerously close. Then I almost lost my marriage, 12 years in with 2 kids to worry about. Please be proactive and fix this problem NOW!
(US) Flirting is a major form of disrespecting your partner. I have never agreed with it so trying to see the "innocence" in it is not easy. I’m have a fiance that feels nothing is wrong with having many female friends, which are ex girlfriend’s and he is flirting with them. "I need to loosen up". I would never disrespect him on any level so it’s hurtful that he can’t see why it hurts so bad.
(US) I am surprised to see an article on emotional infidelity – and relieved. I thought I was crazy sometimes. My husband engaged in an emotional affair – I assume it never went farther – with a colleague. I wanted him to have his friends and gave him time to do things with them.
Then I began noticing the gifts he’d buy her, the time he spent looking for just the right thing, the time he spent with her, the sharing of her car, traveling for business with her, and on and on. I told him their relationship was beginning to trouble me and asked him to be cautious because I did not want it to destroy our marriage. I did not realize it already had.
Shortly after, I said I was not comfortable around her and I asked him to cut back on the time he spent with her or on the phone with her. This was after he spent our family vacation talking to her from a distance and avoiding me entirely. I asked him to cut back, assuming the best of him, thinking they were just friends. I asked him to do it for me, to show me he loved me as his wife, to spend some of those hours, he’d spend with her, with me instead … and he said No.
He claimed it was not an affair, but when I asked him to choose me, weeping for him and for our marriage, he was already gone. He walked out. His heart was hers already. I am writing this for those who think it’s innocent. It is not. You may think you can control it, it’s just fun, just flirty, whatever. It is not. Before you know it, your heart is hard and your family is destroyed. When sin comes calling, run! Don’t stay and play thinking you can beat it.
(WA) An emotional affair is cheating. I used to think my wife was over-reacting. We were busy folks, kids, work. I found friendship with a single woman. She had her own set of baggage but we exchanged stories, shared a few beers. It was harmless I kept telling myself.
Jump ahead a year. I am now divorced. My marriage ended because my wife refused to tolerate my emotional affairs. My kids don’t see me, I was fired from my job because some personal documents trusted in my x-wife’s safekeeping made their way back to my boss.
Do it again. No. I miss my wife. I miss my kids and I miss my life before my harmless emotional affair. The girlfriend has since made her way through several of the men at the bar. I’m an idiot.
(USA) Dwayne, I’m not sure how you should still miss your wife when she filed a barrage attack against you, due to an “emotional” affair. You haven’t done the physical act, but she showed some information which cost you your job. I just wanted your comments on it.
(USA) What? Obviously YOU have never been on the other end of an emotional affair. His wife was deeply hurt and she wanted to make him feel just a twinge of that. He said he had trusted that to her. Well, she had trusted him with something of greater value, her heart, and look what happened! Come out of your shell dude. Unfortunately Dwayne’s emotional affair cost him a lot, more than that affair was worth!
Dwayne I am sorry to hear about all you lost. I can understand how your ex-wife feels though. It does hurt. Have you ever tried to go to her & talk to her about this? Have you ever considered trying it with her? Just a thought.
(USA) Still, Dwayne had the emotional affair which hurts, but she used private information to hurt his career, which has nothing to do with an affair. It’s not right, even though the affair is not right. They should have handled it as a family unit. I do not expect you to see my point.
I am now starting to believe that once you start a “Tit for Tat” or a “violent” exchange or way of dealing with people you cannot turn it off. You have killed it.
His wife has killed it, and who knows which other ways she will hurt him in the future? I believe he should find someone who is not as malicious. It can cost him a lot of time, energy and even his life on this earth.
(USA) Daddy L – the emotional affair was wrong period. It is adultery. It is sin. Jesus said that Adultery begins in the heart.
My DH and I are dealing with this right now. He had the emotional affair and will not admit it for what is is (or was, as I am unsure if it is really over).
Have you considered that the Lord allowed the “personal documents” to come out to get Dwayne’s attention? Especially in businesses who rely on ethics and employee trust, you have to keep it clean. Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; whatever a man sows, that shall he also reap.
To blame his wife sounds a lot like Adam blaming Eve for his sin. You can turn off tit-for-tat and “violent” exchanged – it’s called die to self, take up the cross and follow Him! His wife didn’t kill anything! Put yourself in her place – guarantee that you would react (as opposed to respond) the same way – just a little different method. It’s called punishment! Both men and women do it.
The warnings in the Word of God are there for a reason – because of His steadfast love for us! Hey, Gomer didn’t do much in the way of being un-malicious with Hosea – but what the Lord had Hosea do is impossible for man, but possible for God!
So please try seeing things from both sides. Dwayne has woken up and hopefully cast off the sin and weight that hinders him and asked the Lord to make satan flee from him.
Dwayne, may you look unto Jesus, the author and finisher of your faith – humble yourself in the sight of the Lord and He will lift you up – God hates divorce and He is in the business of reconciliation – first to Himself, then to each other. Then go to your wife in faith.
Recommending the Word of God, Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs, this website, Rejoice Marriage Ministries, FamilyLife and many others you can link from these names. May the Lord bless you with His unfailing love, mercy and grace.
(CANADA) Daddy L needs to get his head out of the sand. An emotional affair may be worse than a physical affair. It completely destroys the other partners trust and faith right to their very soul. I’m the recipient of the second emotional affair that my wife is having. So I’ve been there and am there again.
(INDIA) Emotional affairs are heartbreaking. They destroy the very fabric of a marriage. I have been a recipient of 5 such affairs by my husband. He moved away from me emotionally and did not think it bad to use my body for his sexual needs, to keep himself secure enough from saying it was not an affair. He would cover up and how! Of course a woman senses and knows the part the other woman is playing.
I threatened to leave him and hurt him with an affair of my own. It was stupid but it worked. He went to a counselor at last. Today he says he understands how much these so called emotional friendships have harmed us– but how do I regain the trust and the need to give tit for tat for some kind of action? The sadness never seems to leave me, and the guilt of using another man to make my marriage work.
(SOUTH AFRICA) We’ve been married for 1 year. My wife still has contact via sms and e-mails with some of her old boyfriends. The other night she insisted that we must have dinner with one of her previous boyfriends. They had a fully sexual relationship. We have a great marriage but I don’t know how to handle this, so I don’t discuss it. Even one of my best friends is sending her sms messages. Even if it is just e-mail messages between friends, is it ok? I don’t want to be unreasonable.
(DENMARK) My wife did something like this to me once. I discovered she was chatting on MSN with a guy she had flirted with before she knew me. They sent each other emails, she even demanded that I leave the room when she chatted with him. Having grown up with parents that have both participated in numerous affairs, I’m quite quick to sense when something is going on.
One day she had left her email account open and though I felt bad, I couldn’t resist reading a few of the mails between her and this guy. Sure enough, they were discussing feelings of the past and how these feelings between them seemed to linger on. I put my foot down hard immediately and told her to cut all contact with this guy if she wanted to stay with me.
As far as I know she has never been in contact with the guy since. Still I’ve found it tough to get over, though I believe there was nothing physical between them. Though more than two years have passed I still feel unable to completely trust her and sometimes wonder if it is right for us to stay together. One thing is for sure; you should NEVER tolerate this sort of behaviour in a person who is supposed to love you.
(UK) I could not agree with you more Peter.