Making love to your wife involves more than the actual act itself, it involves romance and intimacy. You may think that’s burdensome when it doesn’t make sense why a woman needs this in order to make love. But if you romance your wife and are intimate in ways that she desires and needs, you actually get much more out of this than you may think.
Women are wired to respond to their husbands when their husband shows he cares about what matters to her. It’s a mutually reciprocal thing.
So to help you with this mission, we have provided a link below to a great web site called Covenant Spice, which is designed for God-honoring married couples to help strengthen their marriages and increase their playfulness and intimacy.
To read this article, click onto the link below:
When you’re done reading the above article:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
that could help others
in the space provided at the bottom of this page.
EMAIL | SHARE | PRINT
Print This Page (printer-friendly)
and do your online shopping. 
(USA) For years (like 6 years) I strived to be the most romantic husband that I had ever even heard about,at least in the circles that we ran in. (I’m sure I wasn’t the "most"- there’s always someone better) But I tried really hard. (Flowers, cards, dates, plays, musicals, back rubs that went no-farther – hundreds of these to the point of tendinitis literally, listening, playing board games, candlelight dinners, bike riding, notes in her car, hidden presents, poetry, songs etc.) I truly felt, and still feel that we are best friends.
However, for her, none of this translated to the bedroom. None of it. We never had that "Newlywed Time" that you hear so much about. Skipped right passed that to the Once a month phase right after the honeymoon. Some wives it seems, don’t respond to romance the way is hinted at in the article. It’s not connected somehow. It is for me. For me, romance ultimately leads to extreme frustration because I cannot divorce romance from attraction, excitement and arousal. When I spend time with my wife, I’m attracted and excited by her. Of course I am! How could I not be?
I kind of gave up after 6 yrs., not completely of course, but more as a means of keeping my frustration in check. (If I’m desperately hungry but have no money, I really DON’T want to walk by a bakery and smell the bread baking. Its self-torture.)
It actually seems to me, (closer to 2 decades now) that the more romantic I get, the LESS luck I have. She desires me the most when I pull away from her for a long time. Then she notices. I’m not advocating this by any means but it’s just a fact. When I’m rebuffed continuously for weeks, the frustration builds and I wont approach her for a couple weeks either. But to do that, I shut off the romance too. I don’t know how to be romantic without being aroused by my wife. I can’t do it – I’m extremely attracted to my wife. I LOVE my wife. I "know" she loves me too. I actually even believe that. I really do. I know it, but I don’t usually feel it. Somehow for her, it just doesn’t translate into desire. She says she desires me but I think we have different definitions for the word.
Romance is fun. I love being romantic with my wife. I really do and she loves it too, but for me it leads to more acute desire/arousal etc. For her, it just leads to warm fuzzies, nothing more. On V-Day, after a nice day, dinner, flowers candy, movie etc, walking hand in hand etc and a she’ll even say "That was a "perfect" day!" Then jammies and sleep. While I stare at the ceiling till 4am. : )
I guess I grew frustrated reading the article, because part of the premise was that husbands will get more of what "they want" if they are more romantic with their wives. I actually believe that to probably be true for most people, but it can also lead extreme frustration for some. I still romance my wife because I love her, albeit not to the level that I once did, but there can be a heavy price to pay.
(USA) Dear Landschooner, I’m sorry to hear of your frustrations. At least there is the knowledge of the fact that the two of you love each other, even if it’s not always translating to all areas of marriage. That kind of love is so devoid in a lot of marriages.
I wanted to ask you, is it possible your wife was sexually abused or raped in her past? That is what kept coming to me strongly as I read your post. I have a VERY dear friend (one of my best friends) who was raped when she was quite young and acted the same way as you describe your wife and never even realized it until recently that the rape was what was causing her to go weeks without needing or wanting sex. She and her husband had a talk that ended up landing on their thoughts about sex and that’s when it sort of came out and God opened her eyes to it.
I don’t know if that’s the case with your wife but you definitely need to talk about it, even if you know she hasn’t been violated in her past. It sounds like you both have a respectful enough relationship with one another to be able to discuss things out of care and concern, and that it won’t go sour and get ugly? Not everyone has good communication (dare I say a luxury, as it is in some marriages) so if you have that then it helps to be able to talk about more serious topics and you have a better chance at resolution or some sort of meeting of the minds. If nothing else, perhaps you can just tell her you’d like it once a week or once every other week, even if she doesn’t want to. It might sound methodical but sometimes that’s the compromise that comes with marriage.
The Bible says to render due benevolence – husbands and wives are both supposed to do that. I Corinthians 7:3 Be blessed.
(MALAWI) Amazing, but I am in the same situation with Landy and have a rather frigid wife who says I need deliverance because I desire sex too much; when on average I have it once a month at best! The trouble is I do ask and get rebuffed but have not given up lest I DO give up!
I love my wife and know how much potential for intimacy there is because we used to get at it like rabbits (if that means frequently) before we got married. BUT ever since we got married, THAT flew out thru the window. At first I thought it was because she got pregnant and the hormones just were against any kind of intimacy! So for the first year I went without sex! Sometimes ignorance can be a good thing coz I was patient throughout. But after she got pregnant after the second time we resumed intimacy I was freaked out.
My frustration led me to seek sex elsewhere to ‘ease the tension’ at home as it were. I took the ’safe’ route of cavorting with a divorcee who was mature enough not to interfere with my normal patterns but welcomed the comfort and friendship of a non-committed lover. This also freaked my mind that I got respect, honor and empathy from someone I felt ‘cold’ towards, rather than from my own love!
All that stopped when I committed my life to Christianity but alas our own sex at home didn’t take off. Its been over ten years since I recommitted to a fully monogamous relationship. Things have not changed and I think I have reached the end of my tether… I am at a loss what to do. Attempts to go for counselling have not helped. She is not happy, I am not happy.
As it turns out, I really have no energy for another relationship; but I also lack the desire to try at my mine. I need help.
(USA) Your wives are not emotionally connected to you. That’s your problem. Women need that before they want sex. My suggestion is to cut way back on the dating, flowers romance and seduction. Resign to the fact that you won’t get laid for months and just get to know her all over again like some hot woman you just met at work. Lots and lots of coversation, get to know her. Start at the top and keep it positive. Go on fun, light, multi-event dates. Go Karts, Comedy clubs, Museum tours.
Don’t do it thinking you are getting laid, just have fun Stop trying to have sex; let that go for a while. Just go somewhere to talk. Start with “what would you do with a million bucks”, or “what’s your favorite thing about being a parent”, whatever. Then over time, work your way into your each other’s secrets. “What’s the most devious thing you’ve done” Make her feel like she knows you, and get her to open up and let you know her. Then re-introduce the romance stuff way later, but back off a bit. You dudes are trying way too hard. Plus, she’s probably sick of all that. Give her time to breathe.
(USA) I am frustrated that my wife is not taking care of herself (eating habits, physical fitness). Plus, I am losing interest in her! She is gaining weight and her body is getting bigger! I tried last year to talk to her about exercise and diet! That made her very mad. I know that was the wrong thing to do! But, do I just let her keep doing this stuff? It just turns me off! Needless to say I am losing my desire to make love with her! Please Help!
(USA) Hi Cliff, I’ve been praying about what to write to you, feeling led to respond to your comment in some way, from a wife’s perspective, and yet knowing that this is a very delicate situation.
First, let me say that I’m by no means an expert in this. You’ll need to pray and consider what I write, as to what God is telling you ABOVE what I may say. What’s difficult in this is that men and women respond to approaches on “areas of concern” VERY differently most of the time, so what you SHOULD do and say will probably feel very foreign to what you will have a tendency to do.
I have to say that this is an area of relationship where women are VERY sensitive and there really isn’t one way to try to approach them. What works for one wife won’t work for another. And lets face it… what’s really important here is praying about what is godly for you, as her husband, in your approach and what works in helping your wife in her individual bent. Something is going on with her, either physically and/or mentally, to cause her to gain weight as you see she is doing.
As a husband, it should concern you MORE about what is troubling her in this area of her life, than how it works on you in your mind. Something is “eating AT” her as much, if not more than what she is eating, which is expanding her body. As God’s colleague in loving your wife, she needs you to love her enough to help her with this weakness. It’s your calling that God gave you as her husband.
Yes, it’s true that men are very visual, so that can’t be dismissed. You long to have an attractive wife, and I understand that, especially when you see so many other women around you looking great. There IS a temptation going on and an impulse to lose your “desire” for your wife, which I read from your comment. But there are times when we have to fight against our impulses and desires, and do the right thing –which will ultimately be best for all, yourself included (although that should not be your first concern here to be the husband God wants you to be). And I believe this is one of those times.
Husbands are told by God in Ephesians 5: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy… In this same way, husband ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church — for we are members of his body.” And in 1 Peter 3: “Husbands in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”
I’m sure you want to “feed” your wife less than she is taking into her mouth, but there are other ways of feeding her that might help her to think more of the way she takes care of her body. Praying for her and caring for her and affirming her are a few ways. By doing that, you aren’t condoning the way she is taking care of her body, but you’re helping her to see that you care about her BEYOND her body, which might help her to gain the confidence she needs to work on what’s eating AT her as well as what she’s eating. I know this can be a foreign concept, but hopefully, it will help.
I went onto the internet to try to find other articles that might help you (rather than feed the part of you that says, “yeah, dump her… if she doesn’t care, neither should you, etc…). I found a few things but not much (probably because this is such a tough subject). They’re from different web sites (and I’ll include the links in the titles). One is an article titled “Looks Don’t Matter, Do They?” Another is “My Spouse is Letting Him or Herself Go”. A few video clips: “Day 77: Your Husband Will Never Tell You This” (which actually addresses wives rather than husbands, but you might learn something that might help, and/or help wives who are reading this), “My Wife Gained at Least 40 pounds Since We Married.”
After reading and viewing what is stated in these articles and clips, I encourage you to pray and possibly talk to a counselor and/or a pastor, to try to see if you can figure out how to best help your wife and your marriage. But do NOT talk to a woman, outside of a counselor’s office or a female relative about this. You need to guard your heart, and this is the way that additional problems can occur, when you “talk” with someone of the opposite sex about something that is wrong with your marriage.
Your wife may have appeared “mad” at you, but actually, she probably targeted you in her negative reaction, but was probably more mad and/or mortified, etc… at herself for “not taking care of herself” like she knows deep inside she should be doing (and wants to do, but something is holding her back). Sometimes as wives (and husbands do it too), we lash out at our spouse, but feel different inside. On the outside we lash out, but inside we’re saying, “please love me unconditionally because right now, I don’t love myself too much no matter what I’m saying or doing to you… I need you to be my hero right now.”
Cliff, I don’t really know too much else to say to you, except to give you a quote that I heard the other day in the great new movie, “To Save a Life.” Someone in the movie said, “Life is a journey — not so much to a destination, but to a transformation.” And that’s what I challenge you to pray about. There’s more to marriage than the destination of each of us getting our personal wants fulfilled. It’s a journey that is lived out and shows the depth of character we’re made of… Christ’s character. Now that you are facing this challenge, what are you going to do with it?
We’re told by God in Romans 12:2 “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is — his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Whenever we’re faced with a problem in marriage, it is our “testing ground” where we show what we’re really made of. Are we “transformed” enough in God’s ways to keep persevering (see: James 1:2-8) and praying and finding out how to work through this trial, or are we going to give in and give up and put our attention elsewhere, abandoning our spouse? What do you think Christ would have you do with this situation?
Please know Cliff, that I truly sympathize with you. This is a really tough situation. You are between a rock and a hard place… walking on eggshells in a situation where NO man, or spouse, for that matter, wants to find themselves. I hope you will guard your heart (because you’re especially vulnerable at this point) and will show the man of integrity that you are created to be and will walk WITH your wife and will pray with and for her and be as supportive as possible until she has the courage to work on her problems in this area of her life.
A good book might be, “The Power of a Praying Husband” by Stormie and Michael Omartian (which you can find a description of it and a link to read more in the “For Married Men” section of this web site under Links and Recommended Resources. I pray this helps.
I know I haven’t given you much guidance here, but I hope it’s a good start on another leg of your journey. You (or others) might wonder why I’m not harder on your wife than I am on you (as far as putting the burden of persevering and praying on you), but that’s because your wife didn’t write a comment here… you did. If she did, I would have written differently to her. I wish you well and pray God will empower you to do what is wisest, and most helpful for you, your wife and your marriage.