Do you have a meddling in-law? Whatever you do, don’t treat them like the enemy. (Dr Randy Carlson).

Sometimes in marriage we can start off on the wrong foot with our spouse’s family and start a pattern of behavior with them that can be troublesome. Our intentions may not have been so much the problem—as much as our inexperience and lack of training on how to best work through areas of contention with them. But just because we started out on the wrong foot (and have continued on for a long period of time) that doesn’t mean that we can’t start again in a healthier manner once we’ve learned of a wiser, more loving way to handle such matters.

We’re told in the Bible, that once we’re married we’re to “leave” the primary allegiance we’ve had with our mother and father and other family members and “cleave” to our spouse instead. That’s an important principle we need to live out within our marriage. But with the “leaving and cleaving” we’re to do, that doesn’t mean we aren’t to still honor those family members. Their family has had a lot of influence in their lives previous to our wedding day and the importance they still have in our spouse’s heart shouldn’t be underestimated.

This can be a time of “new beginnings” in your marital relationship with your spouse and with their family and that is our prayer for you. If you’ve struggled with “In-Law/Outlaw” problems we hope the following article will help you. Our God is the Author of “New Beginnings.” We hope you’ll prayerfully consider the thoughts shared below and will apply the wisdom you’ve learned if a “new beginning” is in order. Being on “the same page” as a married couple in dealing with our extended family is so very important. We hope this message will help you in that endeavor.

With that in mind, we’d like to share with you something written by Dr Randy Carlson. He gave us permission to re-print this article titled “In-Laws or Outlaws” from a  ministry newsletter. We found this message to have such clear wisdom we want to share its content with you:

Lately on Parent Talk On-Call, I’ve been hearing from more people than ever about the difficulties they’re having in their marriages dealing with their mothers-in-law or fathers-in-law.

The complaints vary. For one caller, it’s his father-in-law that’s showing favoritism for one grand-child over the other. For another person, she gets angry because her mother-in-law is always trying to control her husband.

For many couples, it’s the in-laws that simply won’t let go of their children and let them grow up. They constantly give unwanted advice on parenting, finances—even church. And then there’s the concern about in-laws who are not believers and are having a negative influence on their grandchildren.

Whatever the circumstance, the way to overcome the conflict is through communication. But far too often, the husband or wife is afraid to confront their parents or, worse yet, just prefer to sweep the problems under the rug and pretend they don’t exist.

In the meantime, resentment and anger builds to the point that the easiest solution is just to stay away from the meddling in-laws, thereby depriving their children of an important and foundational family relationship —their grandparents.

Here are three practical tips to help you deal with your in-law outlaws in a way that will glorify God and move your family toward healing, closeness and renewed trust.

1. Your in-laws are not the enemy: Couples need to start with a little self-analysis. If you see your in-laws as the enemy, you’ll never get anywhere with them. No matter how troublesome they seem, you need to take the lead in working toward solving the problems.

One thing that might help is to remember that your mother-or father-in law is different from your own parents. You cannot compare the two, because in most cases your in-laws will always come up short. Therefore, you need to get to know them for who they are, not for what you want them to be.

2. The biological connection: If a wife has a problem with her husband’s parents, it is the responsibility of the husband to bring that issue before his parents—no matter how uncomfortable that may be. Truth is, the biological child will generally carry more credibility with his or her own parents, and should discern how to best communicate with them. It is then vital that the biological husband or wife lovingly but firmly defends his or her spouse and family.

3. Stay unified: Finally, couples need to be 100% unified in their opinions and communication with their in-laws. It’s important for the mother-or father-in-law to sense that there is no way they can possibly use their parental influence on their own child to try and drive a wedge in their marriage or in their role as parents.

How can you do this while keeping the Biblical command to, “Honor your father and mother?” By understanding and then communicating God’s design for families as established in the second chapter of Genesis. “A man will leave his father and mother,“ verse 24 says, “and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”

When you marry, you are to “leave” your parental home and “cleave” to your spouse and build a new home—with rules, expectations and goals set by you, not your parents. As a couple, you set clear boundaries regarding how you will maintain your relationship with your in-laws, and how you will communicate this to them.

In fact, it is best to do this when you are engaged so that the expectations of both you and your in-laws are established before marriage and parenting enters the picture.

Special relationship dynamics do exist when your in-laws are not believers in Christ. First, you must remember that it is still vitally important to nurture your relationship with your unsaved in-laws, especially when grandchildren are involved.

But, as a couple, you need to stay sensitive to spiritual issues. If your non-Christian in-laws are prone to use obscene language, live a carnal lifestyle, or try to directly influence you and your children against Christian beliefs, you need to step in and address the situation as lovingly as you can.

Your goal here is not to change your in-laws, but to get them to alter their behavior as needed to protect your children and marriage as you see fit. But in extreme cases, where the mother- or father-in-law is an alcoholic, addicted to drugs, or is violent, you must draw the line to safeguard your family. Be sure to also communicate to your children what is happening with their grandparents and encourage them to pray for the situation.

In-law parents and grandparents are important members of your family. Even though your marriage and role as parents is now the priority, wise couples will do everything they can to ensure they have a long and healthy relationship with their in-laws. Communication is the key to making that happen.

Dr. Carlson has other articles you can read on marriage and family relationships in the “Resources” section of his web site at www.theintentionallife.com. You may want to visit his web site to see if there is something else you can glean that will help your marriage.

God Bless!
Steve and Cindy Wright