What are the “intimate issues” that you face in your marriage? Do you have issues that pertain to sexual intimacy with your spouse that are causing problems in your lives together? Did you know that sex is among the top four problems couples bring to a marriage counselor (according to Dr. David Ferguson)? Because of this we’d like to take the next few weeks to address some of those issues that could be causing problems in our marriages.

“Sex is a type of worship. Did you know that? Even the heathen know it; that’s why orgies were a part of the worship ceremonies for pagan deities.” But we need to remember that “there’s right worship and there’s wrong worship. Wrong worship brought death to Aaron’s sons when they offered the wrong fire and incense before God. To look at this literally, you can say that sex outside of marriage brings about death to our spirits, as well as to our sense of well-being or esteem” (Michelle McKinney Hammond).

But what about sexual expression within marriage? That’s our concern. We see the world continually “prostituting” sexuality. And more and more each day we see those within the church buying into this also. We know this has got to be tearing at the heart of God. What God created for good, too many of us are allowing to be tainted by that which is absolutely wrong.

Cindy and I would like to address the sexual intimacy issue from different angles. Cindy will address it from the female standpoint and I will address it from the male’s perspective. So what is God’s perspective on Biblical marital sexuality?

Cindy: The following are some thoughts I pray will talk to your heart. Some of them the Lord has laid upon my heart and some of them are from Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus who wrote a great book called, Intimate Issues— 21 Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex. (Their thoughts will be contained within quotation marks.) I can’t recommend this book enough. It’s outstanding!

“In talking to women all over the country we’ve discovered that between 90-95% of women in our society don’t have God’s perspective on the sexual relationship.” “The worse the world becomes, the more confused women become. Christian women look at the world and they’re so disgusted because the world has desecrated God’s beautiful gift of sexual passion that He gave to husbands and wives. And so they say, ‘I don’t want to be like the world, but what does it look like for me to be a Godly woman, but also a lover to my husband’?”

We can take example from the woman in the Bible named Shulamith in the “Song of Solomon.” There’s “no doubt about it, Shulamith was a sensuous, sexual woman — and God describes her sensuousness in explicit terms. God wants us to understand the beauty and freedom of our sexuality. Through this young bride, God unveils the portrait of a godly, sensuous wife and because His blessing is upon her, we can follow her example with confidence.

If you’re thinking, “I could never be like that,” don’t be discouraged. God doesn’t expect us to become sensuous saints overnight. He asks instead that we go forward in becoming the lovers He created us to be. Christian women should be the greatest lovers on earth because, as believers, we not only possess physical passion, we have the ability to infuse holiness into our sensuousness.”

That’s really a difficult concept for most Christian women for many reasons. I have to admit that has been a difficult concept for me to get settled in my own mind in the past also. And admittedly, there are still times I have to fight a battle with my mind over this. But it’s a battle worth waging.

I know that to be true both from my own personal experience and also in talking with countless women on this subject. Each of us has a collection of physical, mental, and emotional experiences both past and present that can so easily taint how we express ourselves in our marital sexuality.

My prayer is that more of us will wake up and realize the destruction this causes in our marriages if it isn’t properly dealt with it will continually hinder us from intimately expressing ourselves to our husbands.

This sounds a lot easier than it is because so many of us have been and still are being hurt by circumstances beyond our control. But please know that God is able to redeem every wound. He’s able to take that which is meant for evil, and turn it around for good. He’s able to heal that which is impossible from man’s perspective. “For nothing is impossible with God.” We should never limit what God can do, despite all of the forces that fight against this situation.

But first we need to commit it to Him, and then we have to work with Him and not against Him on this aspect of our lives. Instead of saying, “I can’t”, we have to say: “I WILL—I will with the Lord’s guidance. I will seek to be whole and healthy in this area of my thoughts and actions—no matter what’s been in my past, or is surrounding me in the present—I will seek to be whole and healthy to the glory of God.”

As Linda and Lorraine point out, “if you’re ready to begin the metamorphosis and blossom into all God created you to be, the place to start enacting change is not in the bedroom but on your knees.”

I’d like to end with my part of this message by sincerely urging you to look deep within and ask the Lord to help you to be a woman after God’s own heart in how you perceive within your mind and how you conduct yourself sexually as a married woman. I pray these will be your words (as they are mine): “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139:23-24).

Again, let me urge you to read the book ” Intimate Issues” by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus. Here are a few titles of some of the chapters so you’ll know better how helpful this book can be:

• How Do I Shift into Sexual Gear? • What Do I Do When I Don’t Want to Do It? • Where Can I Go to Buy A New Body? • How Do I Make Love with Children Wrapped Around My Knees? • How Can I Get over the Guilt of Past Sexual Sin? • What Do I Do When He Has A Headache? • How Can I Get Rid of Guilt over My Abortion? • My Husband Is Into Pornography— What Should I Do? • Is It Possible to Get Beyond the Point of Sexual Abuse? • How Can Sex Go from Boring to Sizzling?• How Can I Recapture the Passion? • What’s Not Okay in Bed? and much more.

Steve: There’s so much that can be said and needs to be said from a man’s standpoint, but this week I just want to give us men two quick thoughts to meditate on and then I’ll elaborate on them more next week. These come from what I believe to be the most powerful book ever written addressing a man’s heart and mind when it comes to sexual issues, Every Man’s Battle, by Steve Arterburn and Fred Stoeker. Its subtitle says a lot too: “Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time.”

I’m going to ask two questions. I want us to pray and ask God to reveal to us (men) what truth He wants us to come to terms with relating to them.

1) Do I look pure on the outside to everyone else—but in reality have I merely settled on a middle ground somewhere between paganism and obedience to God’s standard?

2) Do I get any sexual gratification from anyone or anything other than my wife?

Please don’t minimize the importance of how you answer these questions. As hard as it may be to come face-to-face with truth, ask God’s Holy Spirit to break through any defensive mechanisms you may have put up so that you can come to the place of beginning to “choose to be strong and courageous and to walk into purity.”

If you want to get the book, Every Man’s Battle, you can order it by going to www.newlife.com. There are also many other resources available through New Life Ministries to help in your marriage.

We pray that you’ll keep God at the center of your marriage because, “A Cord of 3 strands is not easily broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:12). We consider it a privilege to be able to minister together each week.

Steve and Cindy Wright

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