Other than both spouse’s being committed followers of Christ (This should be first and foremost in every marriage), what would you think is a marriage’s most valuable asset? Some might say communication. Others might think good conflict resolution skills or a healthy/happy “love” life. Still others would think having a shared vision or maybe time spent together. Well, what about effective leadership?

Let’s stop and think about that last one for a few moments. And just to set your mind at ease, this isn’t going to be a message about Ephesians 5:23, “For the husband is the head of the wife.” or a message about how wives are to “submit” to their husband’s leadership. Rather, that just like a business, if a marriage is to succeed it will do so because it has effective leadership. For without it good communication, conflict resolution, having a shared vision or even a healthy/happy “love” life won’t just happen.

What prompted these thoughts was an article we read recently in a local Christian publication (Good News Tucson) by Mike Hoppe, an Associate Pastor, graduate business school instructor and business consultant. What really captured our attention was his definition of what an effective leader is: One who can “successfully negotiate an organization through change.” And what is constantly happening in a marriage? Change!

After 32 years of marriage Cindy and I can tell you that the one constant has been change. We can also tell you that we weren’t very good at “negotiating” our marriage through change in the early years. That’s why we believe that this week’s message can help us all do a better job.

Mike Hoppe’s article was directed primarily at leaders (CEO’s, Managers, etc) in the business environment. But even if you’re not in such a professional position you’ll be able to draw valuable assistance and insight for your marriage. So, as we read Hoppe’s statements let’s put them in the context of both the work environment and the marriage environment. He says:

Would you be shocked if I told you that most leaders are running at 40% of their capacity? That most leaders are experiencing only a fraction of the success that they should be for the amount of effort they are exerting? Most leaders are seriously handicapped and they don’t even know it.

How can I make these bold statements with such certainty? Simply because the vast majority of leaders’ marriages are in serious trouble. Statistically, leaders are on the wrong side of the equation when it comes to healthy marital relationships. Most leaders’ concept of marital success is to maintain a neutral position where the spouse is reasonably appeased so they just do their jobs and not be further burdened.

This might define marital success as living with the absence of pain; something far less attractive than what we originally signed up for! On the downside, we have all witnessed the impact of the marriage of a leader/boss going bad and the debilitating effect it can have on not just the individual, but all those who depend on them (in the business environment).

The thing that we rarely see is a leader whose marriage is really going well. (How many marriages can you identify in your life that you would be happy to emulate?) The positive impact of a great marriage is rarely seen or experienced! Our culture is very visually oriented and for many of us, without tangible proof, there is no acknowledgment of the concept. In other words, if I have never seen it or experienced it, it does not exist! What impact would a great marriage have on a leader?

Allow me to approach this from a different direction. Although many of us will attempt to put on different ‘faces’ for different situations (work, home socially, etc.) the reality is we only have one personality and character. For human beings our character is most accurately revealed in the environments we are most familiar with and the people we are closest to.

For most of us, this means that how we act at home with our spouses is the most accurate and revealing glimpse of who we really are. Before we go on lets pause for a moment just to think about that last statement because whether we like it or not, it’s true!

The implications of this insight are significant. Let me give you a few examples:

• If your spouse does not trust you, you are not trustworthy.
• If you are an ineffective leader in your home, you are an ineffective leader (relative to what you could be) in all aspects of your life.
• If you manipulate your spouse to maintain appearances or to get your way, you manage your employees the same way.and they will follow you in a similar fashion; tentatively at best.

If even half of this is true, you could clearly make a case that the spouses of leaders of any organization might be the company’s most valuable asset.

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It seems to us that there is a lot in this portion of Mike Hoppe’s article for us to think about as married couples. We need to ask God to help us make the application we need to in our marriages. As Proverbs 23:12 says, “Apply your heart to instruction and your ears to words of knowledge.” For, when we do this all of our relationships (at work and at home) will benefit.

Are we truly a good leader if we’re hurtful leaders at home with those who we should show the most love and compassion to, and then act entirely different in the workplace-giving them the “best” of who we are? Would this be honoring to the Lord’s calling for us as leaders if we are inconsistent in how we live with our family thinking others won’t know how we mistreat them.

Just because others outside of our home think we’re a great guy or gal doesn’t mean anything of any significance at all. As someone once said, “What you are when no one else is looking reveals more of your true character than at any other time.”

We need to realize that it’s never true that “NO ONE else is looking” because God sees what no one else may ever see. He sees us behind closed doors, what’s in our minds, and what’s in our hearts.

As the Bible says, “The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7). When we stand before the Lord on judgment day, will He think we’re such a great guy/gal if we mistreat those He has entrusted to our care within our own homes?

Our prayer is that all of us will think about what Mike challenged us to consider when he said, “how we act at home with our spouses is the most accurate and revealing glimpse of who we really are.”

This absolutely lines up scripturally throughout the Bible (especially in Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3). Do you have the courage to ask your spouse, “On a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being the lowest and 10 being the best, how would you rate how I treat you? Do you feel cherished by me? If not, what can I do to help you to feel this way?”

Please know that our love is with you as together we work to make our marriages reflect the love of God.

Cindy and Steve Wright