We need to realize that if the enemy of our faith can get us to fight against each other we’re buying right into his plans. As we turn our efforts towards fighting with each other, we’re no longer fighting against him and his destructive efforts. Instead we put on a great show for him-delighting his heart and hurting God’s.

Just who are we to be fighting any—trying to “win” the other over to our way of doing things —smashing their feelings in the process. When are we going to realize that when one of us “wins” the other has to “lose” and thus, both of us really come out as losers?

In marriage we’re to be a team. And anyone who knows anything about team effort knows when one member works against the efforts of the other —hurting them in the process, the entire team suffers the consequences. The Bible says, “What God has joined together, let not man separate.” And that includes us as husbands and wives!

On our wedding day, we become team-mates ordained by God! We need to always keep that in mind or we’re playing into the hands of the enemy of our faith —the enemy of God Himself.

This has been especially on our hearts the past several weeks as we’ve been reading so many e-mails from our readers expressing grief because their spouse is so abusive in how they express their anger. How this breaks our hearts… and more importantly, how this must grieve the very heart of God. He never created us to degrade and inflict such hurt upon each other. We need to wake up and realize how wrong all of this is and start doing something to stop this wounding of each other’s spirits.

This past week there was an excellent segment on a Dr. Phil television program (in the U.S.) that focused on fighting with a spouse in a degrading way. There was a married couple being featured that was having marital problems because they fought so much, calling each other horrible names and trying to “win” their arguments with each other at the expense of the other’s feelings. Dr Phil said something to them that’s worth noting. He said:

“Let me tell you guys something I want you to hear. The number one predictor of divorce —the one thing that predicts with 90% accuracy that you’re going to eventually get a divorce (and research bears this out), is not WHETHER you fight or not. It’s HOW you do it.

It’s whether you stick to the ISSUE or you get to the point that it deteriorates into character assassination, it deteriorates into name calling and accusations and all of those things that assassinate the self-worth, the self-esteem of the individual involved because no person with any dignity or respect is going for very long to allow someone to emotionally beat them down like that.”

Dr Gary Chapman talks about recognizing the difference between valid anger and distorted anger and learning the important steps to direct your anger into loving responses with God as your guide in his book, “The Other Side of Love… Handling Anger in a Godly Way” (Published in by Moody Publishers). He said:

Since we’re made in God’s image, it shouldn’t be surprising to read the words of Peter, “As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as He who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: Be holy, because I am holy” (1 Peter 1:14-16), or the words of Jesus, “As I have loved you so you must love one another” (John 13:34). It is clearly God’s desire that His nature be reflected in us.

Learning to understand and process anger in a biblical way is an essential step in Christian discipleship. Processing our anger in a biblical way is part of being a follower of Christ. Christians who fail to handle anger responsibly cannot reflect the holiness or the love of God; that is to say, mismanaged anger is far from being holy and far from being loving.

Anger is God’s gift to man and when it’s handled biblically it demonstrates both a reverence for God’s holiness and commitment to loving people. When anger is processed properly, relationships are restored, wrongs are righted, and the world is a better place in which to live. We can sleep with a clear conscience, and the people around us can live without fear.

A man or woman who learns to control anger responsibly has taken a giant step in Christian maturity. No Christian is spiritually mature who has not learned to evaluate and manage anger in a constructive manner.

Much of the dysfunction in contemporary Christian families is rooted in misunderstood and mismanaged anger. Few tasks in the area of marriage and family life are more important than correcting this widespread anger mismanagement.

If married, I hope you will become a POSITIVE MODEL for your spouse and children in how to respond to anger. Please don’t preach to them until you are consciously trying to grow in your own anger management skills.

“In reality, our anger is at the very heart of who we are. Tell me what you’re angry about and I will tell you what is important to you. For the mature Christian, anger will focus on true injustice, unfairness, inequity, and ungodliness. His anger will be tempered with MERCY and HUMILITY realizing that he too is capable of falling.

To use the words of the ancient Hebrew prophet: ‘He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God” (Micah 6:8).

May God Bless your lives together,
Steve and Cindy Wright