Have you ever wanted to gain a better understanding of the “other woman” or the “other man” which is involved in adultery? It’s inconceivable for many of us to understand how they could justify their deceitful behavior with someone else’s spouse—no matter what the adulterous spouse says or does to help or make this affair happen.
When you see the devastation that is caused in the life of families that are torn apart because of infidelity, it’s difficult to imagine that anyone could justify their actions to the point to be involved with an infidel, even if they are “charming” or seem to be a victim in their marriage in some way.
Author Anne Bercht, often receives letters from “the other woman/other man” involved in adultery. And many times she writes them a response to their questions.
In the article provided below, Anne addresses three separate letters from women who wrote to her of their affairs, asking her for insights and assistance.
We believe you will benefit from reading what Anne has to say and gain helpful insights. It is posted on the great web site for the Beyond Affairs Network. Please click onto the link provided below to read this article:
When you’re done reading the above article:
You can then arrow back to our web site to:
• read another article
• or you may want to leave a comment
that could help others
in the space provided at the bottom of this page.
EMAIL | SHARE | PRINT
Print This Page (printer-friendly)
and do your online shopping. 
(USA) I never cease to be amazed at the lack of empathy on the part of people in general (although I guess I shouldn’t be surprised because we are all human after all). I’ve heard so many times of people whose loved ones commit suicide, saying something to the effect of "How could they do that to us?" How could someone who is now dead at their own hand do that to you? My impression is how can you be so blind to someone who is hurting so immensely that they would rather take their own life than to stay alive on earth and then the family or friends have the nerve to blame the person??
How selfish is that? How self-absorbed was that person’s family or friends that they never stopped taking their eyes off of themselves long enough to notice someone who was in so much pain they’d rather die than keep enduring? Here’s an alternate view – how about, instead of blaming that person, say how could I have stopped it? What did I do to contribute to that person’s pain? Was there anything I could have done differently or to help them out of their depression?
The same goes with the intro above. I’m shocked and downright dismayed that the attitude of the person whose spouse is having an affair is so blind to the more serious marital problems……affairs are symptoms of a much greater problem. How about we get over ourselves long enough to think bigger and try to be part of the solution since most of us are part of someone’s problem at some point in our lifetime.
I’m really quite concerned at the statement in the paragraph above:
"It’s inconceivable for many of us to understand how they could justify their deceitful behavior with someone else’s spouse—no matter what the adulterous spouse says or does to help or make this affair happen."
If it is so inconceivable to someone that their spouse is having an affair then I have to wonder how much concern they really showed toward their spouse before the affair if all they have is "inconceivability (read, lack of empathy)" afterward.
I come from an abusive marriage. This is, in part, not in whole, what led me to look for affection elsewhere. I disagree with anyone who has so little empathy that they think I’m a bigger sinner than they are because I was so desperate for arms to hold me, not hit me, and lips to kiss me, not curse me out regularly, that my actions were somehow "inconceivable." Really? Come on.
I’m not excusing my past sins, nor am I making blanket generalizations that every affair happens because of abuse in a marriage. My point is that if everyone (or even only one) out there is saying they can’t conceive how affairs happen, even in extreme cases of abuse in the marriage or a partner who only has sex once a month so that the other spouse goes looking for sex elsewhere, then how blind and uncaring are all of us? And how dare any of us sit in judgment of someone else when you, as the non-infidel spouse, certainly might have done something to prevent it. Perhaps this is not the case but my guess is that it is the case in most marriages.
Wake up people. Someone who is in a happy, fulfilled relationship doesn’t go out looking for affection elsewhere. That’s a fact.
Be part of the solution, not a contributor to the problem, or even a bystander who is so bewildered by the "inconceivability." When you think about it, it’s not really that inconceivable at all if one takes the time to analyze, not out of their own feelings of anger, but out of a love for the greater good and making a marriage better.
If I could accept my husband’s blaming of me (albeit incorrectly) for his abusive behavior toward me, because I was so bewildered by it and also because I wanted so much to find a solution and a way for peace in my house, then certainly those out there whose spouses cheated on them can find it in their hearts to have a little bit of introspection on themselves (as well as pity for their spouse) to see what, if anything, they might have done differently, but more importantly, what they can do to move forward and create healing.
It wasn’t until God stepped in and told me that the hitting was wrong. Up until that point, I accepted my husband’s blame onto me (for more than a decade) that his anger was somehow my fault. It isn’t. But that still doesn’t let me off the hook for doing the best I can do as a spouse, in love and in the desire to let Christ live through me.
If none of us can have any empathy for others, how can we possibly expect God to have mercy or pity or empathy for anything we feel as the victim of whatever our spouses might have done to wrong us?
God bless.
(USA) LT, while I sympathize with you regarding the abuse you suffered at the hands of your husband, I have to ask: instead of the affair, WHY DIDN’T YOU LEAVE?? I am not judging you but seriously asking and trying to understand the true reason.
(USA) LT, Sometimes the person who is unfulfilled hides it or diminishes it. I know I sensed something when my former wife seemed unhappy, but I’d ask, and she would say, "Everything’s fine"
So you cannot, nor should not assume that if someone has an affair, that their spouse missed the signs. Just the opposite. Remember, affairs are built on deceit, so if someone is cheating and usually are hiding that, how much else did they hide from their spouse?
Sorry, you cannot blame the victim here. You cannot shift the blame to the betrayed spouse. You cannot assume that the betrayed spouse missed something or wasn’t providing the right things.
The very fact that someone has an affair is an indicator that the unfaithful spouse either doesn’t know how to properly ask for something or has been hiding things from the betrayed spouse. They may have been hiding their needs, or their dissatisfaction, or their resentment, or their lack of respect for their spouse.
But I will not sit here and do nothing when I see a blatant blame shift.
I will not argue that unfaithful spouses want something. What I’m suggesting is that they are not using a healthy means to achieve their desires. There MAY be problems with the betrayed spouse as well. However, once there is an affair, that is the biggest problem in the marriage, and until the affair is stopped and the unfaithful spouse drops her entitlement attitude and begins to work with her spouse, nothing will change for the better.
Affairs are drugs, they are addictions and it’s a selfish action for a spouse to engage in an affair. Marriage is not an entitlement based relationship. Yet all of this talk about if he would have loved her, met her needs, etc and she wouldn’t have cheated is not a healthy way to run a marriage. It’s keeping score, it’s blaming the victim and it’s offering excuses for a selfish and abusive course of action.
Knowing how much I loved my former wife, how much I tried to be the best husband possible and still being betrayed, leaves me sick when I read about how it’s uncaring, unloving, etc to wonder how someone could betray another so much.
Do you think Christ is unloving? Yet He’s betrayed and rejected.
Sometimes you merely have to call it what it is, even if it’s not pretty. Affairs are an ugly, selfish and abusive way to get one’s needs met.
You can try to blame the victim all you want, but it doesn’t change that fact.
The entitlement attitude of my former wife, one she still carries today has about worn out my ability to have empathy. I’m thankful that some men and women can get over themselves and end their affairs. I have empathy for the spouses, BOTH spouses who are facing a difficult road to put their marriages back together.
I have even MORE empathy for those who are betrayed, and are never given an honest, straight answer, who tried, sought the wise counsel of Godly men and women, and were left wondering why their spouse didn’t just go to them with their needs, instead of running off to another man, and filing for divorce.
That is who my heart really goes out to. The one who has been abused as bad as being raped, who was abandoned and betrayed by the one most trusted, who was cast away by the one to whom they gave everything.
I have empathy. I know what it’s like to be betrayed and abandoned and wondering how I could have better loved my spouse and wondering if she wouldn’t be better off without me, and collecting my life insurance, and wondering if I could even live without her.
I have empathy.
(USA) Hi Tony, My original post, on this page, was not to you or any specific individual. It was generic in its nature. I’d like to clarify that my point, which you seem to have grossly misinterpreted. It was that people, all of us including myself, need to find more empathy and compassion in ourselves. For both sides of the coin, not just the apparent "victim" of any situation. The innuendo in your "shifting the blame" interpretation of my post is offensive to me.
If you feel you already have empathy, then I’m perplexed at your need to respond at all and point it out several times (the fact that you have empathy). If you feel you have empathy, then the message I wrote wasn’t for you.
I’d appreciate it if you did not direct anymore comments to me, personally, in the future. I find your tone more antagonistic than uplifting, and I tend not to agree with most of your opinions anyway. My impression of your previous comment to me as well as other comments you have left in the past, is that you are waiting to "pounce" on people, including me. It makes me extraordinarily uncomfortable.
Please respect my request to refrain from directing future comments to me personally and I will do the same for you. Thank you, in advance.
(USA) LT, I am addressing your post directly. As I am from the United States of America and believe in the first amendment, I believe in exercising that right freely.
It’s funny you should mention empathy in your first post, because in my experience perpetrators of affairs seem to lack empathy, especially where their spouses, children, and other family members are concerned.
The first time my husband cheated was when I was 8 months pregnant, and as a Christian woman I was able to show immense empathy towards him and understanding; but he did not reciprocate and he repeated his actions in an emotional affair when I was 7 months pregnant with our second child (and while we had a three-year-old son). I wasn’t the angry spouse who threw out the clothes… I listened and vowed to work on all aspects of marriage that made him “unhappy.” But what about what made me unhappy? What about what was best for our children?
My husband did not seem to care, for again, he engaged in another affair. This time with someone from our church.
I did not know what was going on at the time, but suspected. You talk about “pain” to the extent of wanting to die–that’s what I felt. But my husband was so emotionally (and at times physically) unavailable that he didn’t notice.
When the affair came to light, my husband talked to family, and his father actually condoned the affair in a way–saying it ran in his “genes.” His father had cheated on his mother. In your previous post you said that the abusive marriage was in part cause for your affair. I discussed this with a friend whose parents had both been drug addicts (and abusive).
What we discussed was that there are plenty of people in abusive marriages who come out of them without affairs (they learn healthier ways of coping); there are plenty of people who come from parents who’ve had affairs who remain faithful to their spouses (ie. my own father); and there are people whose parents were drug addicts who never try drugs (i.e. my friend). When we know the difference between right and wrong we HAVE A CHOICE. With God there is a clear right and wrong, good and bad, there’s no half way between.
Was your husband’s hitting you wrong? YES. Was your affair wrong? YES. Two different acts. I was sexually assaulted at age 18 and left my church. Did I know that leaving the church was wrong? YES. I had to ask God’s forgiveness for this. Being molested was not an excuse for this behavior.
I am not anyone’s judge, and wouldn’t want to be. But we will all stand accountable for our actions one day, and we have a choice. We can’t change the past (we can only ask forgiveness), but we can choose our future. Good luck and God bless.