What do you do if you have a spouse who is a good person, but spends so much time with everyone and everything else, that their family feels neglected? How can you, as a spouse, demand more time from this “good-hearted person” when they really don’t have much more time to give because of all they’re trying to accomplish each day? We’ve had those questions posed to us so many times that we’d like to focus on them for this Marriage Message.

When you’re married to someone who is good, kind, and generous in so many ways it’s difficult to think about complaining —and yet you also have needs. For one thing, you’re lonely for their companionship. One of the reasons you married them in the first place is to spend more time with them, so it’s only natural you’d feel that way. And yet you don’t want to pull them away from the wonderful things they’re doing to help others—so you feel guilty in asking your spouse for more of their time.

That’s especially true when it comes to the things they do for the church and for the cause of Christ —how can you justify asking them to take their time away from that?

That is a question that has been battled in homes probably since the beginning of time and there’s really no easy answer. It’s certainly one we battle with in our home because of the demands of the ministry of Marriage Missions. So we don’t have a sure-fire answer for it, but we’ve learned a few things along the way that might help you in some ways with this dilemma.

The first thing to consider is the priorities you agreed to when you married each other. When you read 1 Corinthians 7 you’ll see where the Apostle Paul warns those who marry that they’ll “face many troubles in this life” just because they’re married. He warns them that their time will now be divided— more than if they were single.

In verses 33-35 it says, “But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband.” As Paul says, “I want to spare you this.”

It’s not that we’re all to remain single because God has ordained that some people marry (for differing reasons). But we have to understand that once we marry, our attention becomes more divided than when we were single and we have to consider our partner in all we do. We’re now a “cord of three strands” with the Lord included. Our time and attention isn’t ours alone to consider.

If our partner’s needs are being neglected in some way and they aren’t in full agreement to make this sacrifice, then we need to re-evaluate how we’re spending our time. We should prayerfully ask the Lord to show us how to do this so our marriages truly reflect the love of God in every way. After-all, our marriages are to be a reflection of Christ’s love for the church!

Does Christ neglect the church? Didn’t He put aside His own time to show His love for her by dying to self and giving His life and time for her good and betterment? This is a living example for us all to follow.

Steve and I (Cindy) lead very busy lives in many, many ways. We can’t spend as much time together as we would like because of it. But we work to make sure that the other doesn’t always just get the “left-overs” of our time, energies, and resources. We find ways to reserve enough of our time, strength, and resources to give the best of ourselves to each other.

We’ve discovered that just because we CAN do something, it doesn’t mean that we SHOULD do it. God has not called us to do EVERYTHING (Christ Himself didn’t heal everyone in the world; He also found time to do other things) — but we’re to know what He has called us to do and what He hasn’t — when to work, when to rest, and when to play. When we marry, this is especially true.

When you marry you take on the responsibility to change your future mind-set so you consider your God AND your spouse in every way you conduct your life. The problem comes when we marry and we don’t change the way we think about how we’re to conduct our days. We bring our “single-minded” mindset into the wedding, and leave with the same mind-set even though we’ve said our vows to become united.

Many of us have even gone through the tradition in the wedding ceremony of lighting a Unity candle with our single candles, blowing out our single candles as a symbol of “becoming one” because we’re now married. And yet we leave the church and somehow forget to change some very important things—one of them being: how we spend our time.

We of course, move in together and we go through the motions of changing our schedules to include each other at first. But eventually as life settles in and everyday living “crowds” us away from each other, we get back into the mind-set of conducting our lives as two single people out to conquer whatever comes our way. We see all that needs to be done and think our spouse will “naturally” understand why we’ve allowed them to be crowded out of our schedule. But often this isn’t the case.

Our spouse has needs for companionship—and even if they do understand at first, is it a sustainable way to live out our married lives together? Isn’t it leaving a door open for the enemy of our faith to tempt one of us to give in to temptation if someone starts paying more attention to our needs? Also, is this the way God would really want us to live our lives together?

It’s like what Dr Steve Stephens said (in his book, Marriage. Experiencing the Best):

“It’s a sad state of affairs when we take better care of our cars and houses than we do our marriages. We change the oil, fill the tank, check the tires, and periodically tune up our cars. We change light bulbs, wash windows, paint walls, unplug toilets, and re-roof our houses, but what do we do to maintain our marriage?

The truth is—more damage is done than repairs are made. Just how important is your marriage? Is it more important to you than your car or your home? Are you willing to put in the time and energy and whatever else it takes to prove to your partner how valuable the relationship truly is to you?”

In closing, think about this statement from Jason Krafsky (in his pre-marriage workbook, Before I Do):

“Marriage is a living advertisement for God. When a couple engages in the act of marriage, they display God. How couples handle life’s ups and downs presents a side of God’s nature to the world. How a couple communicates, argues, and resolves conflict gives people a greater sense of who God is.

By uniting both parts of humanity, marriage helps people grasp God better, see God more clearly, know God more deeply, and live for God more intently. Every married couple is an advertisement for God. Ultimately, it is up to each married couple to decide how persuasive their public notice for God will be.”

But of course, you need to spend time together to be able to be a “living advertisement” — at least one that draws others to God!

Next week we’ll revisit this subject a little bit further addressing how to get everything done that needs our attention and still reserve time for each other (of course, this is written with a smile because that isn’t possible) but we’ll give some insights that might help in that venture.

Our love and prayers are with you,
Cindy and Steve Wright

 Print This Page (printer-friendly)

 Email This Page