“God’s steadfast love motivates us to enter into covenant with him. We know in our hearts God is committed to our best interest. Therefore, with confidence we can commit our lives to loving and serving him. In covenant marriage, it is much the same. We enter our marriage with a sense we are loved and that we love each other; thus, we can freely commit ourselves to each other for life. We are then responsible for maintaining this attitude of love throughout the marriage.” (Dr. Gary Chapman from the book, Covenant Marriage) 

Steadfast is not a word we use often in our everyday vocabulary (particularly paired up with “love”). Webster’s Dictionary defines steadfast as being “1. Firm, fixed, settled or established 2. Constant; not changing, fickle or wavering.”

We devote this weeks Marriage Message to the topic of Steadfast Love because this weekend as Cindy and I celebrate our 35th wedding anniversary, (Steve)steadfast love is what comes to mind. It’s a love that the Lord has helped us to live out in our own relationship and one we hope to inspire others to live out also.

Because Cindy and I are so open in the expressions of our love for each other some might think that steadfast love “comes easy” for us. I would say that it does come easier today, but you should have seen us earlier in our marriage (even after we both came to Christ). There were many times that we struggled; we fought; and we picked at each other to the point that either one of us could feel insecure in our relationship.

Even though we removed the word, “divorce” from our vocabulary, there wasn’t much going on that demonstrated a steadfast love for each other. But there came a time when we both realized (Cindy much sooner than me) that if we didn’t change our thoughts and behavior we wouldn’t be all that God created us to be in our marriage.

As we look back over the 35 years of our marriage we’re both so grateful that God remained steadfast in His love for us so that we can now share what He has taught us about “Putting the Heart of Christ Back Into [our] Marriage” with you through the ministry of Marriage Missions. Our prayer for you this week is that if you’re struggling with having a Steadfast Love in your marriage, the message will cause you to realize that God has a special purpose for your marriage just like He does for Cindy and me. Let’s look at what this kind of love might look like in your marriage.

Dr. Gary Chapman, in his book, Covenant Marriage, gives us a good picture of what steadfast love looks like when it’s lived out in a practical way.

“This is not love as a romantic feeling. This love is something far deeper. Steadfast love does have an emotional element, but it is primarily a way of thinking and behaving toward one’s spouse. Steadfast love is choosing to have a positive regard for your spouse, choosing to focus on his/her positive characteristics, and expressing appreciation to him or her for these characteristics. It is doing things for him or her that will express this positive attitude.”

Chapman also says,

“Steadfast love refuses to focus on the negative aspects of one’s spouse. All of us discover things about our spouse that we perceive as negative. We don’t deny them. On the contrary, we discuss them, especially if there is potential for change. Yet steadfast love refuses to dwell on these negative aspects. Violation of this principle has destroyed many marriages. Few people can survive the constant harassment and condemnation of a spouse. Such condemnation does not encourage one to change, but rather to give up. When we focus on the positive aspects of the spouse and give verbal affirmation, he or she is far more likely to continue to grow.”

As I read Dr. Chapman’s words I reflect on our own marriage and how God has helped both Cindy and me to choose to have a positive regard for each other and how He has helped us develop the ability to refuse to dwell on any negative aspects we each may have. Even though this doesn’t comes easily for either one of us it’s worth the struggle because we know it reflects God’s heart.

Paul gives us a very practical guide to what it means to live a steadfast love with each other every day. This is an exercise Cindy and I use a lot to help us keep on track. Take 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (you know — the Love Chapter) and personalize each of the phrases. It could look like this:

• Love is patient: Are we patient with each other? Do we bear with one another’s weaknesses?

• Love is kind: Are we treating each other with loving kindness—and grace? Are we tender-hearted in our attitudes and actions? Are we using cutting humor in how we relate to one another?

• Love does not envy: Has either one of us displayed a spirit of envy? Are we exhibiting discontentment or resentment in what we have or don’t have?

• Love does not boast; it is not proud: Are we being boastful, arrogant, or haughty? Are we displaying an attitude of being more superior or smarter than the other?

• Love is not rude: Are we being rude, intolerant, or harsh with each other?

• Love is not self-seeking: Are we living together in true partnership—not allowing our individual wants to take precedence over our relationship as a marital team? Are we giving back to each other or only taking?

• Love is not easily angered: Are we being too irritable or hypersensitive with one another?

• Love keeps no record of wrongs: Are we keeping “score” of that which we shouldn’t?

• Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth: Are we amusing ourselves & taking delight in that which would grieve God? When we converse are we speaking the “truth in love”?

• Love always protects: Are we protecting each others feelings? Do we rudely embarrass or belittle each other? Can it be interpreted in any way that we are attacking each other’s character?

• Love always trusts: Are we living lives of trustworthiness? Are we putting our trust in Christ? Do we believe the best in our spouse?

• Love always hopes: Are there times when we’re quick to assume the worst in each other? Do we have hope because of Christ?

• Love always perseveres: Are we giving up too easily? Are we persevering through problems and conflicts rather than caving into them?

If you work through the verses in 1 Corinthians 13, and ask the accompanying questions, you’ll be well on your way to developing the Steadfast Love that God intends for all of our marriages.

I also like what Paul says in 1 Corinthians 15:58 (NIV): “Therefore my dear brothers [and sisters], stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord [in your marriage] because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.” (Paraphrase and Emphasis mine)

We pray whether you’ve been married 35 years or 35 days you will be (and remain) committed to steadfast love in your marriage—to the glory of God!

God Bless!
Steve and Cindy Wright