As I write about the responsibility of husbands, the words of James ring in my ears: “Not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly” (James 3:1). I want to write about these issues with the same humble spirit that should mark any attempt to share one’s faith—the excitement of one beggar telling another beggar where to find food.

Men must resist the cultural tendency to rate image higher than character. It is all too easy to be contented with keeping up an image while neglecting the essential disciplines that forge our characters. When we expose ourselves to the searchlight of God’s Word, there will be no room for pretense. As a husband and father, I am forced to recognize that “if Christianity doesn’t work at home, then it doesn’t work!”

The Bible is clear in declaring that if a man cannot take care of his own home, then he has no business endeavoring to take care of the church:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-for we are members of his body.

‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ This is a profound mystery —but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. (Ephesians 5:25-33)

Have you noticed how fanatical some men become over their cars? They wash, polish, and pamper them almost continually. They drive them sparingly. They service them regularly to ensure they remain in tip-top shape. They don’t like other people tampering with them. In public, a man may refer to his vehicle as his “little beauty,” but he may also have a special name for his car known only to himself and the automobile!

These guys love to be seen in their cars, hoping to attract admiring glances. They can talk about them for hours, having memorized the details of the handbook. They park them in the remote corners of the parking lot to prevent dents from less concerned motorists.

Many of the men I have just described give more time and attention to the machines in their garages than to the women in their living rooms. Overstated? Probably, but is essential not to miss the point: The enjoyment we derive from something is directly related to the time and trouble we take to nurture and care for it.

I’m not suggesting that men treat their wives like cars! But I want to emphasize that when a man proves himself capable of displaying tender care toward his toys, he has no excuse when it comes to his relationships. It just doesn’t work when he tries to justify apathy toward his wife by claiming, “I’m just not put together that way.”

NOT THE EASIER ROLE

It is fairly common to hear people suggest that within marriage the husband has been given “the easy part of the deal.” Many men are quick to quote the passages discussed in chapter 4 regarding headship, authority, and the obligation for women to submit to their husbands. But they don’t seem as eager to recall Ephesians 5:25-33 (quoted above) or the admonition earlier in Ephesians 5 to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (v. 21).

Whenever I hear a husband “remind” his wife about his authority and her duty to submit, I know he is someone who does not understand the reciprocal nature of submission within marriage. Truth decay is already at work in such a marriage and will need to be drilled out and repaired if further deterioration is to be prevented.

Scripture provides no basis for concluding that all the privileges of marriage accrue to the husband while all the obligations fall to the wife. There is no doubt that some couples live as if that were the case, but such faulty thinking is in need of correction.

If a husband starts believing that his is the easier role in the marriage relationship, he should consider what it means to “love your wife, just as Christ loved the church.” While human men cannot match the degree of love Jesus displays (since His love is divine and infinite), they are to love in the same manner. Christ initiated love for the church, and His love remains constant regardless of the response He receives.

TAKING THE INITIATIVE IN NURTURING LOVE
Similarly, the husband has the responsibility of initiating, nurturing, and maintaining love within the marriage. The leadership vacuum within so many homes is largely due to the husband’s lack of initiative in providing love for his wife.

In far too many cases the wife has assumed the initiating role, not because she wants the position, but because she is afraid that the car is about to careen off the road, since her husband has vacated the seat or has fallen asleep at the wheel. A staggering number of men have gone AWOL when it comes to this. Whenever a wife is longing for companionship and intimacy elsewhere, the problem can usually be traced to the husband’s unwillingness to take the initiative in providing love.

EXERCISING SACRIFICIAL LOVE
The love of a husband for his wife is also to be marked by sacrifice. Jesus gave Himself up for the church, not on the basis of the attractiveness of those who became the objects of His love, but on account of His grace. God loves because it is His nature to so, and He has poured out His love into our hearts so that our love will be different from that of the world.

DWELLING ACCORDING TO KNOWLEDGE
In addition to Paul’s instruction to husbands, Peter has a challenge as well:

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. (1 Peter 3:7)

What does Peter mean when he calls husbands to “be considerate as you live with your wives?” Is he simply reminding men to be courteous—not to interrupt and finish her sentences for her, to hold the door open, to stand up when she comes into the room? These matters are trivial in light of the far-reaching instruction he has just given to the wives (1 Peter 3:1-6). So what is at the heart of this exhortation?

The literal translation is this: “Husbands, likewise dwell together according to knowledge.” The context of this statement is important. Peter has previously observed that before we were converted we lived in ignorance and followed our own evil desires (1 Peter 1:14). But as we experience new life in Christ, that previous way of living changes. Our thinking is now conforming to a different standard. Pagan lust is replaced by Christian love.

Previously we may have had the same outlook on marriage as any man on the street, but now our marriage relationships are raised to the standards set forth in the truth of Scripture. Therefore, we can live with our wives in the knowledge of the wonderful provisions God has made for us. We have knowledge of the clear parameters that God has established for marriage, so we can enjoy the unique purposes He has ordained for us as husbands and wives. In the knowledge of what our wives are by nature and by grace, our treatment of them should be marked by gentleness and honor.

DEMONSTRATING RESPECT
When I listen to a wife describe her husband’s diminishing care for her, she will often cry as she contrasts the early days with the current experience. The common story goes something like this: “When we were dating, and at the beginning of our marriage, my husband would watch out for me. I felt secure in his attention and affection. Now he usually ignores me, and I have no sense that he respects me at all.

At office functions, he puts on a good show and introduces me around, but I am very quickly forgotten as he impresses the crowd with his stories. When we get home, he is full and I am empty. Yet he is so insensitive that he doesn’t even notice.”

This absence of honor and respect will often be seen in the way the children treat their mother. While they have the capacity for disrespect without any coaching from their dad, the fact remains that the way in which a son addresses his mother will often be a direct reflection of the attitude of the husband for his wife.

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The above edited article comes from the book, Lasting Love by Alistair Begg, published by Moody Publishers www.moodypublishers.com. In this book Pastor Begg teaches “the art of a lasting relationship. He calls each partner to bury self-interests and diligently tend the fire of his own her own home hearth.” As Alistair says about this book, 

“This is an attempt at preventive medicine. It is written primarily for those who are contemplating marriage from the vantage point of singleness, who are in the early stages of married life, or who have enjoyed a number of years of marital bliss and are tempted to conclude that this kind of material is interesting but undoubtedly irrelevant. However, it may also prove helpful to those who are already dealing with the effects of decay… In a sense, this book is, unashamedly, ‘Marriage for Dummies.’ It is a refresher course on basics, and hopefully you will find it to be much more.”

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