What kinds of emotional needs does your sexual interest meet for your man? In written survey comments and in my interviews, I noticed two parallel trends—the great benefits a fulfilling sex life creates in a man’s inner life and, conversely, the wounds created when lovemaking is reluctant or lacking.
Benefit #1: Fulfilling sex makes him feel loved and desired
Not surprisingly, the first thing surfaced from the survey comments was that having a regular, mutually enjoyed sex life was critical to the man’s feeling of being loved and desired. One eloquent plea captured it perfectly:
I wish that my wife understood that making a priority of meeting my intimacy needs is the loudest and clearest way she can say, “You are more important to me than anything else in the world.” It is a form of communication that speaks more forcefully, with less room for misinterpretation, than any other.
The reason why this message is needed is that many men—even those with close friendships— seem to live with a deep sense of loneliness that is quite foreign to us oh-so-relational women. And making love is the purest salve for that loneliness.
One man told me, “I feel like I go out into the ring every day and fight. It’s very lonely. That’s why, when the bell rings, I want my wife to be there for me.”
Another related that sentiment to the power of fulfilling sex. “A man really does feel isolated, even with his wife. But in making love, there is one other person in this world that you can be completely vulnerable with and be totally accepted and non-judged. It is a solace that goes very deep into the heart of a man.
This is one reason why some men may make advances at times that seem the furthest from sexual. One woman relayed a story about her husband wanting to make love after a funeral for a close relative. Making love was a comfort and a way of being wrapped in her love.
Benefit #2: Fulfilling sex gives him confidence
Your desire for him goes beyond making him feel wanted and loved. Your desire is a bedrock form of support that gives him power to face the rest of his daily life with a sense of confidence and well-being.
By now most of us have seen the television commercials for Viagra in which a man’s colleagues for friends repeatedly stop him and ask what’s “different” about him. New haircut? Been working out? Promotion? Nope, the man tells them all, with a little smile.
One man I interviewed brought up those ads. “Every man immediately understands what that commercial is saying —it’s all about guys feeling good about themselves. The ad portrays a truth that all men intuitively recognize. They’re more confident and alive when their sex life is working.”
Once my eyes were opened to this truth, I realized how often I’d heard the “man code” for this fact, but failed to understand it. When men had told me they “felt better” when they got more sex, I had just assumed they meant physically better.
But as one husband told me, “What happens in the bedroom really does affect how I feel the next day at the office.” Another wrote, “Sex is a release of a day-to-day pressures and seems to make everything else better.”
Wound #1: “If she doesn’t want to, I feel incredible rejection.”
As much as men want sex, most of them would rather go out and clip the hedges in the freezing rain than make love with a wife who appears to be responding out of duty. My husband, Jeff, explained: “The guy isn’t going to be rejected by the hedges. And that’s the issue. If she’s just responding because she has to, he’s being rejected by his wife.”
Again, keeping in mind that what he wants most is for you to desire him, try to see what he wants most is for you to desire him, try to see this rejection issue from the man’s point of view. If we agree, but don’t make an effort to get really engaged with the man we love, he hears us saying, “You’re incapable of turning me on even when you try, and I really don’t care about what matters deeply to you.” On the other hand if we don’t agree at all, but throw out the classic “Not tonight, dear,” he hears, “You’re so undesirable that you can’t compete with a pillow… and I really don’t care about what matters deeply to you.”
Although we might just be saying we don’t want sex at that point in time, he hears the much more painful message that we don’t want him.
Here’s what the men themselves said on the survey:
• “She doesn’t understand that I feel loved by sexual caressing, and if she doesn’t want to, I feel incredible rejection.”
• “When she says no, I feel that I am REJECTED, ‘No’ is not no to sex—as she might feel. It is no to me as I am. And I am vulnerable as I ask or initiate. It’s plain and simple rejection.”
• “She doesn’t understand how even her occasional dismissals make me feel less desirable. I can’t resist her. I wish that I, too, were irresistible. She says I am. But her ability to say no so easily makes it hard to believe.”
This feeling of personal rejection, and a sense that his wife doesn’t really desire him, tends to lead a man into darker waters.
Wound #2: your lack of desire can send him into depression.
If your sexual desire gives your husband a sense of well-being and confidence, you can understand why an ongoing perception that you don’t desire him would translate into a nagging lack of confidence, withdrawal, and depression.
The men I talked to scoffed at my tentative suggestion that a string of similar rejections wouldn’t necessarily mean that their wives were rejecting them as men. They warned that any woman sending those signals would undermine the loving environment she wants most because, as one man said, “She is going to have one depressed man on her hands.”
A man can’t just turn off the physical and emotional importance of sex, which is why its lack can be compared to the emotional pain you’d feel if your husband simply stopped talking to you. Consider the painful words of this truly deprived husband—words that other men, upon reading them, call “heartbreaking”:
We’ve been married for a long time. I deeply regret and resent the lack of intimacy of nearly any kind for the duration of our marriage. I feel rejected, ineligible, insignificant, lonely, isolated, and abandoned as a result. Not having the interaction I anticipated prior to marriage is like a treasure lost and irretrievable. It causes deep resentment and hurt within me. This in turn fosters anger and feelings of alienation.
…If you view sex as a purely physical need, it might indeed seem comparable to sleep. But once you realize that your man is actually saying, “This is essential to my feeling of being loved and desired by you, and is critical to counteract my stress, my fears, and my loneliness,” well… that suddenly puts it in a different category. So how might you respond?
First, know that you’re responding to a tender heart hiding behind all that testosterone. If at all possible, respond to his advances with your full emotional involvement, knowing that you’re touching his heart. But if responding physically seems out of the question, let your words be heart words—reassuring, affirming, adoring. Do everything in your power—using words and actions your husband understands—to keep those pangs of personal rejection from striking the man you love. Leave him in no doubt that you love to love him.
And remember, if you do respond physically but do it just to “meet his needs” without getting engaged, you’re not actually meeting his needs. In fact, you might as well send him out to clip the hedges. So enjoy God’s intimate gift, and make the most of it!
…I recognize that some women might very much wish that they could respond more wholeheartedly to their husband’s sexual needs, but feel stopped in their tracks for various personal reasons. I don’t want to add any more frustration. I do, however, want to encourage you to get the personal or professional help you need to move forward. The choice to pursue healing will be worth it, both for you and the man you love.
Make sex a priority
An excerpt from a Today’s Christian Woman article captures this issue—and provides an important challenge to change our thinking. The author starts by admitting that although her husband really wanted to make love more often, it “just wasn’t one of my priorities.” She then describes a subsequent revelation:
I felt what I did all day was meet other people’s needs. Whether it was caring for my children, working in ministry, or washing my husband’s clothes, by the end of the day I wanted to be done need-meeting. I wanted my pillow and a magazine. But God prompted me: “Are the ‘needs’ you meet for your husband the needs he wants met?”
If your daughters weren’t perfectly primped, he didn’t complain. If the kitchen floor needed mopping, he didn’t say a word. And if he didn’t have any socks to wear, he simply threw them in the washer himself.
I soon realized I regularly said “no” to the one thing he asked of me. I sure wasn’t making myself available to my husband by militantly adhering to my plan for the day… Would the world end if I didn’t get my tires rotated? I’d been focused on what I wanted to get done and what my children needed, I’d cut my husband out of the picture.
Are the many things that take our time and energy truly as important as this one? Now would be a good time to reevaluate priorities with the help of our husbands so they know that we are taking this seriously.
… Having heard from so many men on this, I would urge you: Don’t discount it. It’s more important to him—and to your relationship and therefore your own joy in marriage —than you can imagine.
Now that you understand the tender places in your husband’s heart, hopefully you have developed compassion for him and the way he is wired.
The above article comes from the terrific book, FOR WOMEN ONLY… What you Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men -by Shaunti Feldhahn, published by Multnomah. This is a GREAT book (which has much more insight on this and many other subjects) to help women learn about what motivates men and their thought processes behind their actions (or non-actions). Shaunti had interviewed over 1000 men in researching this book. As a result she found that she didn’t know the mind of her husband and others like she thought she did. So what she does in this book is reveal the findings her research brought out so that other women can better understand the men in their lives which will help them to better interact with them. Preview or Purchase this book now
There is also a For Women Only Discussion Guide available, written by Shaunti Feldhahn along with Lisa Rice, which is published by Multnomah. It’s designed to be used by book clubs, in small groups, or even for having a one-on-one dialogue with the man of your life. Many women, after reading the For Women Only book may wonder, “So what do I do with the information I’ve just been given?” This discussion guide is designed to answer that question. It contains personal stories, questions, and situational case studies to help equip you to apply the truths you learn in your own life. Preview or purchase this book now
-ALSO-
There was a radio broadcast series that aired a while ago where Nancy DeMoss interviewed Shaunti Feldhahn and Barbara Rainey on this same subject. We believe you would greatly benefit from reading the transcripts. To do so, click onto the links provided below:
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(USA) Amazing… There is much about women we simply have to take on faith, that God made them that way and they really do feel the way they do. This is like the male version, there is absolutely no way one could over emphasize how important the often and regular physical connection is to men because of how we were made. What’s more is that it is so very true that sex is not about sex. It is about safety and security in the relationship and “no” or “not today” day after day, is the same as not being loved. It is about desire and wanting us as husbands and men. Reason it away with the female mind and the relationship will suffer big time. And just like you will find an emotional connection outside your marriage if we don’t meet that need, this is the reason many men find someone to want and desire them outside their marriage. They were not looking, but someone came along and wanted to meet that need and they fell for it. It’s just that a sexual affair is more “sinful” than an emotional affair, but they are the same –finding someone else to meet the primary needs we have in marriage. And it usually happens because the needs are not met. It’s about choice, to meet them or not meet them, it’s our choice.
(USA) I believe that over time, as a relationship is tested, built upon, nourtured, etc., sex becomes even more fulfilling for a woman. That is how it can be so much better and more fulfilling for married couples than for the one night standers.
(ZIMBABWE) l always find that having great mutual physical contact with my wife gives my emotional state a good boost, resulting in me being able to positively tackle the challenges that life brings. However, when my wife regularly turns down my advances (not only for sex, but even any form of sensuous touching that would not lead to sex), I feel gutted. And more often than not, I end up not having the fighting spirit to tackle issues in life. One can only imagine the stress that is brought about by having sex once or twice (at most thrice) a month for a couple in their early thirties. The thought of a mistress start creeping into one’s mind (although this has been dismissed all the time, because of the fear of God’s wrath).
(ZIMBABWE) It always baffles me that wives do not seem to be aware that their refusal to be loving in a physical way towards their husbands, invariably invites all sorts of evil thoughts into a man’s head. A man starts noticing other women (that he would otherwise not), starts fantasizing about past partners or even any woman. So I think it is important for wives to know that in as much as it is key for husbands to provide emotional stability/support to their wifes, the wives need to equally do the same. This principle is not only good for the marriage but for the Kingdom as well, since it is apparent that the devil attacks marriages. And if any of the spouses engages in actions that do not build up their marriage, then they are handing victory to the enemy.
(USA) Interesting that the comments here are from men only. I wonder if any wives have ever read this? I wonder what they think about it?
All very true by the way. My wife says I am trying to use her to satisfy my physical needs, even though I have explained many times that sex is how I experience love. It is how I know in my heart that she really loves me.
I don’t think it matters what I say or what she logically believes. If she doesn’t feel like having sex, then I don’t want her to "just do it".
On the other hand, I do the things my wife and children need and want, no matter how I feel about it.
(USA) I’m a Christian husband of 29 years. My wife has deprived me all, but maybe 3x a year. I think I’m losing the struggle. I have no self-esteem, I don’t go out except to the drug store/doctor & back home. I’m 48 & retired. I’m no longer a man. I’m retired from law enforcement. She wonders why I wear a frown & I get criticized for it. Everything else is more important than me. My heart is broke in half. I used to be in ministry also. Please pray. She says she still loves me, but I feel more like a roommate.
(USA) This article actually explains to me some things that I didn’t understand. I’m another man married to a woman just not interested in sex. If I ask she’ll put me down on her ‘list’ which I think means she just needs a day to mentally prepare herself I guess. For years I had been involved in pornography and self-gratification and I guess in a way that kept my desire for her down, but I’m sure it also perpetuated the problem since I didn’t have that desire for her as I should have.
I’ve been free of porn for a couple of months now and my desire for my wife is through the roof now. I like that very much, and she knows what I’m going through. Unfortunately, I think she believes that my need for her is just physical and I don’t know how to explain what’s going on with me. This article does a great job of explaining that. Like I said, I didn’t understand my need for her as well as I do now.
A warning to everyone– pornography cannot offer you fulfillment, and the satisfaction you do get is temporary at best. I’m thrilled to be free of it thanks to God. It isn’t easy, but it is wonderful to have this desire for my wife again. The next step is to restore my physical relationship with her and have the relationship God intended us to have.
(USA) I do understand that my husband’s need for sex is emotionally connected for him. So, at least once a week, though I don’t always want to, I do spend an evening with him. It’s not that I don’t enjoy it, it’s great on a physical level, & he seems fulfilled. I do it for him; I know he needs it. He is happy for a few days, then he starts moping around the house, becoming more and more distant. I assume that this is because he needs more sexual intimacy, so the cycle repeats itself. If it’s been longer than a week, he gets extremely depressed or angry. When this happens, I begin to feel manipulated or coerced, and much more unattracted to him because of his inhuman behavior. But, eventually, I bite the bullet and give him what he needs in order to keep the peace, though I hate myself more for it every time.
I’m a great actress, so he is fulfilled even when I fake it. The problem is that I never get my emotional needs satisfied, and I am coming to resent the sex. I feel cheap…like a woman giving away sex without getting any sort of affection in return. It’s really starting to wear on me. And he just doesn’t want to talk about it.
We’ve been married for 12 years. It wasn’t always like this. He began to pull away from me emotionally 9 years ago when he became involved in pornography. He has truly repented and changed, but he spent so many years being emotionally detached from our relationship.
We recently talked about our emotional needs (a rare occasion) & he said he is not willing to spend the minisquel amount of quality time with me for me to feel more loved, but he wants me to provide him with more sex. Any advice? If he’s not going to change, is there anything I can do to keep myself sane? Can I get my emotional fulfillment somewhere else & still not feel so abandoned in our marriage?
(USA) Many wives lose their libido from chronic health problems, hysterectomy/ovary removal, change of life, weight gain/self image, fatigue, etc. As much as she might know his need, sex is no longer on her radar, and when it does infrequently occur, there’s so much pent up emotion between them it’s like a match to gasoline: best avoided. I suspect many Christian husbands just bear it the best they can, with most becoming irritable, distant, depressed or overly busy outside the home. Pornography often fills the void, to the detriment of all. When the only woman in the world that can fulfill his sexual need (without the threat of hell) just doesn’t feel like it anymore for the above causes, and the wife won’t counsel, what’s a Christian husband to do?
(SOUTH AFRICA) I guess many of us women want to be fed emotionally as much as men want be fed physically. I have experienced that the reason I do not have interest in sex is because I am not getting the quality time that I need from husband. Men are either busy with their work or sit in front of the TV.
The solution to getting your wife back to be interested in you as the husband, is planting a seed of love and taking care of the seed planted. Water the seed and eventually the wife will know that your interest as a husband is not just physical but to her as well. God created us women to be emotional beings and we need to be given the attention emotionally, so that it will be easy for us as women to give back physically.
(USA) I wonder about the husbands who do not respond to their wives sexual advances. The need should be fulfilled both ways right?
(USA) Wow… this is almost sad. Men honestly can’t believe that their form of love comes from sex. Women are just not pleased enough in that arena for that to be the form of expression.
Sex is a way to produce children and to spend time with one another. Men have no problem taking control of the situation by finishing first, and women are left wanting more… Where is the love in that? When two people in a relationship are not being satisfied physically and emotionally, then what is the point?
Men, if your wife got the job done every time you two had sex, and you didn’t, would you really feel loved? Would you start to hate sex, and wish that your wife paid a little more attention to you? Sex is a sad story no matter who is getting pleased unless both spouses are getting the attention they deserve/need.
(USA) I am 31 years old and my wife is 34. I don’t understand her lack of desire at times. I am very frustrated and it seems like she always has another priority in mind. I remind her constantly about the desire that I start to feel about every 3 days. This article is so true and I do want to be loved accepted and desired. But it seems like there is always something else more important. It’s becoming harder and harder to not look at other women and pornography at times. Weeks will go by without physical intimacy and it will leave me feeling hurt and rejected.
(USA) Why isn’t this being taught and educated to people, all over the world, in marriage and to churches worldwide? This serious marriage problem is being kept silent till people marry, then they find out the hard way, after they are trapped in marriage. That’s wrong!
Both men and woman, in the institution of marriage need to know what to expect before they marry, after marriage and during marriage and what to expect and find ways and have tools to deal with this marriage problem. Ignorance is not bliss, it’s costly and hurts everyone and all of society. Isn’t this one major reason why divorce is an enormous problem?
(UK) Some real home truths in this article. It’s nice to see the men’s side of it instead of women’s. You can’t blame men for giving up sometimes. I think it is a no-brainer for both parties –men are from Mars & women are from Venus. It’s a nasty circle. The woman doesn’t give the man what he needs emotionally & physically so the man feels rejected, sick of initiating, embarrassed etc & creeps off back under a rock with rejection, lacking confidence & not sure what to do next. He’s made to feel like a sex mad monster.
The man then detaches from his partner so she does not get what she wants such as chats, cuddles, a man friend – so she feels unloved & bitter, so does not respond/initiate sex any more, keeps him out of the loop, and goes out more. This goes on & on until she gets into an affair – where the woman will find a man who will talk to her & make her feel close.
She wants sex because really she HAS missed it, BUT has sex with a man who is some other woman’s rejection that wants to feel good again by being with a woman that wants sex. But the difference here is the man knows he has to put the charm on as it won’t be wasted as the woman wants him as well. He’s wooed her and made her feel special because he has one thing on his mind.
What happens though when your wife doesn’t let you massage her, get in the bath with her, when she’s too busy to talk/settle down/relax for the evening with a glass of wine with you? You’re too busy and work long hrs to give her & your kids the best life. She doesn’t want to go away for the weekend, doesn’t want to go out, is too tired, feels ill, goes to bed before you to escape, gets up before you to escape, won’t listen to your needs, and won’t dress up. In fact she won’t do any thing & will avoid being backed into a corner to avoid sex!!! What is a so called Husband if you have the confidence left to call yourself a MAN, do then??
All these sex articles – you can tell women wrote them because they are always about how the women feels & how to make her happy & what men need to do & the man needs to wine & dine & woo her —- oh what ever.
Well what about what women need to do for their men? It’s 50/50 isn’t it – two to tango & all that? Again, what if the woman isn’t interested in all that, what do us men do? How can we make them feel loved & woo them if they wont accept it? I would love to know. It is mankind, human nature – this is what made cavemen and women move on. We are designed to get bored & move on – to generate/reproduce.
(USA) I only see a couple female comments here. They have the same problem as we men, but on the other side of the fence. However, I would wager that the men who have found this article have been living in misery for years and have tried everything possible to turn the situation around.
For my part, I have been the poster-child for the attentive, helpful, romantic, supportive husband. For a while, I even bought into the lie that "sex starts in the kitchen." Over the years, I have consistently tried arranging special outings, sending flowers, leaving notes, complimenting her in front of friends — all the stuff women claim as lacking when they lose interest and think they are just being used. And, I’ve done so w/o sacrificing my self respect or becoming the pushover husband that undermines his wife’s respect for him.
For 15 years I’ve been struggling with this issue. Frankly, I’m cooked. I’ve been on the brink 3 times now of succumbing to the temptation to enter into an affair. Each time it gets harder. I no longer buy the "I’m too exhausted from juggling the demands of work/kids/spouse/household." When did women secure exclusivity to suffering these afflictions? I work just as hard and long, am responsible for just as much with the kids, and put just as much time into the household.
Yet, I still desire my wife. I still want to arrange special outings, dinner, a weekend getaway. But I’m on the brink of giving up. How long are we supposed to sustain relational abandonment. If we complain, we’re whiners and become even less attractive. So we have to just suck it up and pretend everything is OK. How long do we have to do this? Why? Why is all the attention she craves (that many of us give and more) legitimate, but the type of attention we desire is not?
Do I sound bitter? Angry? I’m sending her the link to this article. I wonder if she’ll recognize this posting as mine. I wonder if she’ll care.
(USA) My husband and I have been married for almost 11 years. In the last 5 years we’ve had sex 4 times. My husband blames it all on me. Here is the real story: He’s borderline diabetic and has erectile dysfunction, refuses to go to a Dr. and won’t give into the fact that this is the main problem. But, if you can’t get it up and make it stay up you can’t do much. So, for me this problem is a blessing to me…read on…
Years past when we have had sex, he gets through it quickly. We’ve had little or no foreplay. I’m left unfulfilled and depressed. I’ve told him this. He says I need to respond to him quicker.
We have both been married before. I find him not as good a lover as my ex-husband. Being a Christian woman, I didn’t "try" him out first before marriage.
I’m not sure what to do.
(USA) I see both sides to this. I have been with my fiance for almost eight years. I’m 24 and sadly most of the time I turn him down because to me it’s just another way to have an orgasm. I just thought it was a physical thing as to where it’s not about how much he loves me or any of that. Sadly it has never occurred to me that it’s something more than just sex.
I mean, I feel intimacy during, but I don’t crave it as much as he does. I can live without it but lately he is becoming angry and distant from me. It’s hard when I really am not in the mood and he wants it. I work all day granted, as does he, but I just want to relax after work…
I am worried that he may want to get the emotional connection with another woman. I am down right terrified that if I don’t (pardon this) "put out" he may find another who will. It’s not like I don’t like sex; it’s more of again, I can live without it.
It goes into an ugly cycle. I hate rejecting him yet I feel like a sex failure because I can’t seem to get into the mood for him even though I love him with all my heart and I don’t want to fake anything. We’re not even married yet and he is already talking about my sex dry spells. Yikes.
I don’t really know how to fix this but I did learn quite a bit from the comments and this article and it makes me want to connect more with him and try harder.
(TANZANIA) I’ve been married for 10 years. I am a Christian. I don’t want to repeat what others have said. I can identify with everything in this article. I have suffered in the hands of my wife. I hate all those marriage books, because they "bash" the men without understanding them. It’s all a big lie. "Pamper your wife, help in the kitchen and with household work and you will have great nights."
Don’t be fooled. If she decides to be "tired" or "cold" or is "dealing with something in my heart", whether you cleaned the toilet and bought flowers or not, it does not matter. You stay denied or rejected. The rejection has been unbearable for me. She says I want her for sex, but for I want her for me, for love, for esteem, for my confidence and success in whatever I do. It’s her that I want. It’s just unfortunate that I can only get all these through her wanting me back, via sex with me. Not words only. Sex is not only supposed to happen when she wants it, but when I want it too.
There is always a reason why we can’t be intimate. I am sick of it!! Tiredness, sickness, pain, cold weather, it’s too hot, bad TV programs, and the list is so long. Anything and everything is a reason for not being intimate with me. For her to turn her back and not respond to my touching her, it’s killing me everyday. I feel like a failure. I run a multimillion business, but it’s all useless to me if my wife cannot feel attracted to me enough to want me.
As for me, I lost the battle. I met someone, who made me re-discover my self esteem again. It had plummeted, I was sad and gloomy even when I did have sex with my wife. Because I knew deep within me that she doesn’t want me or that there was no guarantee for another round another day, unless it’s her desire not mine.
My girlfriend now even calls me that she wants me. She can be unwell and tired, but will ask me to do it for her to sleep well. It’s not like all the time we meet we have sex. But rather the fact that she is willing, that she wants me, and actually tells me. She’s sad if we go 2 or 3 days without a romp. She wonders what’s wrong. SHE MAKES ME FEEL LIKE A MAN. She tells me how well I do her. We can do it for more than an hour (real sex). I love her.
But even with this, I am still bitter. Bitter that this happened at all, coz my wife isn’t the one doing this with me. I am bitter with me, and hurt by her (my wife’s) continued rejection. This only makes me want to stay on with my new gal. Maybe I will keep both. She drove me to this, but I love her so much.
I know most of you may not understand how this can be. But it is. Women can make us do what we hate… I am sorry.
(USA) I have been loving and caring of all my husbands needs and all I get is criticized and put down and put in second place. My husband destroyed our sex life by treating my body like his property and that makes me feel like a harlot. For instance, what man do you know has his wife dress up for him, makes love to him, for him to come home and treat you like you’re not there every time like nothing ever happened? He picks fights and even tries to get me to leave the room. Though I understand that men need that feeling of being loved, we need that feeling of importance too. I’m not a one night stand. I’m his wife.
(USA) Having been married now for 13 years, I am convinced that this whole marriage thing is a cruel joke that God has played on us humans. I thought I was the only man dealing with this dilemma and suffered a great deal of regret towards my wife. Until I got brave enough to "hold myself accountable" to some other Christian brothers, only to find out that they were living the same Hell!
I am convinced that my wife takes me totally for granted especially in the area of sexual intimacy. I serve my wife well in every arena of our marriage and yet she has this half hearted attitude towards sex. And now her excuse is pre-menopause. God, when will it end? When will I be valued for being what God made me? And the worst part is she actually expects me to understand all of her justifications for infrequent physical intimacy all the while I have to jump through hoops every day just to get any respect as a man let alone a husband. Pick up the kids, keep the yard clean, change the oil in her car, fix her breakfast and lunch as she goes to work, talk to the kids, discipline the kids, bring her a diet coke home, kill that spider, lay new carpet, fix the toilet, turn on the heat, turn on the AC, and so on. Her list is un-exhaustive and all I desire is a little consistent physical intimacy after a hard day’s work. And 80 % of time I go to bed and to work, totally unfulfilled.
If this is the reflection of the mystery of Christ and His church… no wonder the Church is so ineffective. I applaud this article but I still don’t think women will get it if they read it. I think they actually believe that have a right to be non-intimate with their husbands and yet the Bible says the very opposite. And the worst part is even when we do have sex I am the initiator 95% of the time and I work harder at pleasing her because I have taken the time to find out what she likes the most. And even then I’m lucky if she puts any self motivated interest to return the favor. Bottom line, I think most women are selfish and Christian wives have doomed their husbands to a life of mental and emotional defeat and adultery!
(TRINIDAD) I have been married for a year and five months. My marriage is failing.
(ZAMBIA) I have been reading all the posts on this topic. Honestly, how do you expect the wife to give in to a husband who has been unfaithful…had sex with someone else without protection? And when you ask him to do an HIV/AIDS test and other STIs he refuses. Some pastor counseled us and we tried it and I was feeling like he is infecting me with diseases… I can’t give in for anything.
Just look at the society we live in. It’s full of HIV/AIDS, sexual harassment and violence against women. Women are killed, they are disrespected. Sex with my husband does not turn me on.
Would you blame the wife in this situation? I have tried to pray for our marriage but each time I close my eyes I see him having sex with that dirty sickly looking woman. I just want out of the marriage.
(KENYA) It’s sad really and I feel for all the brothers and sisters in here. After reading this, I am truly thankful to God that ever since I discovered I could have sex, I’ve never had issues with it. Been married 10 years and I don’t mind making love morning, noon or night. I might miss a day or two to regain my strength but if I go beyond that I get uptight and irritable.
Granted, some days I feel like it and he doesn’t either but I have learned that putting our issues aside actually helps us resolve those very issues after sex. Mind you, my husband doesn’t say much but every time we make love, I know he looooves me! I initiate and like variety in position and geography… so long as it is all governed by the scriptures. My man’s problem in probably not too little but too much
BUT – there is a time that we did not have regular sex for about 5-6 years – 1.5 of which we had no sex at all. He was the one who stopped for reasons that are only between him and Jehovah God.
Recently though, the Lord came through for us and wham bam, my hubby initiated and it’s been action ever since. I can’t say what the formula was but God knows I had reached the end of my rope having faced numerous temptations and at some point, gave in (and told hubby about it)…
I pray that God will open the eyes and hearts of both the guys and gals and that we will be ready to fulfill each others needs unselfishly. Please know that porn and infidelity will only offer temporary satisfaction – however, trust in the Lord and he will sustain your heart and meet you at the point of your need. May you, like my husband and me, recover it all; all the years the worm has eaten. In Jesus Name!
(USA) I am getting married in two months and this has helped me a lot with what to expect.
(USA) Came across this web article and I must say that it’s truly opened my eyes that I’m not the only one facing such a problem. I actually went to speak to a therapist in secret if I had some sort of sexual disorder for wanting it when she didn’t and everyone told me that I was perfectly fine. Imagine the anguish and pain I felt when I kept getting rejected all the time. I’m not sure if this applies to other males, but I truly respect all females for who they are and for my other half. I try to cater to all her needs, doing really nice things for her and all without expecting anything in return. My only thing that I’ve ever asked was to have an intimate time more than what we have now, which is really sporadic and it’s always because she feels like it.
I spoke to her about it and she’s told me that there’s so much more to our relationship than just intimate sessions and so it’s not a huge part in her life. I tried my best to accept it but all of you know it’s really not how we were made. For me, sex, making love or whatever we call it, is a true intimate bond that I share with her but maybe females just don’t see it that way.
Honestly, if I ask, it seems as though I’m forcing it and if I wait, I find it hard to bear. I read in another web article that if you truly love your wife or other half, that the anticipation is worth the wait. I’m sorry but I cannot agree with that for many reasons that were already cited above. It’s come to a point where I’m not sure if i should send her this link because she may think I’m using it to pressure her into something she’s not comfortable with.
My fear is that I only desire her and her only. If this keeps up, I may find myself wandering off into the "cheating" zone and if something happens, it becomes our (guys) fault again. Are we really to be blamed for it entirely? I’m not too sure anymore. Maybe someone can comment on my post. Criticize or whatever, but I’m quite sure that other guys reading this post will understand the dilemma I’m in.
(USA) EKE, As is obvious, the multitude of posts on this article sound like the same man over and over. Our frustrations are real and our needs are legitimate. I am a Pastor of 20 years who gets so fed up with the oblivious attitude of my wife in spite of my best efforts to communicate. She does try though. But it’s pretty hit and miss.
After several rough seasons I have struggled with questions about starting over with someone else. But here are my motivations to never do it 1) I know it’s not what God wants me to do. 2) There’s really no guarantee a new relationship would not fall into the same problems. 3) I can’t bear to break her heart. 4) I can’t bear to break my kids hearts. So I live by this: “My grace is sufficient for thee, for my strength is made perfect in weakness.”
(USA) I am here to share a message of hope! I last posted a comment on May 22, 2008. Our marriage has turned completely around. We attended counseling last summer, and we have learned to love each other again. The most helpful thing our counselor advised was that we read a few books together “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, “Men Are from Mars, Women Are From Venus” by John Gray, and “The Peacegiver” by James Ferrell. We read them together and discussed them.
We started with Mars/Venus; it was difficult at first, because I had so much pent-up anger that I didn’t really care about the book’s message. But, we stuck to it. We learned that men and women are different. The most wonderful thing that we discovered is a new language of understanding. We have words now to describe how we are feeling. So, instead of getting in an argument because one of us is in a bad mood, we can say, “Oh, I understand that you are different from me and that you are just going through one of your moments. What can I do to support you or make you feel better?”
Knowledge is the key to understanding. Because of reading these books and discussing how to apply them in our lives, we have an emotionally healthy relationship, where before we were walking on an emotional tightrope. It’s wonderful! In fact, we want all of our family and friends to experience this. For Christmas gifts, we gave all of our married brothers and sisters the Mars/Venus book. They have all enjoyed many laughs and aha-moments while reading it together. I highly recommend them all.
And, because we are at peace with one another, we are able to be closer, and intimacy comes naturally. All of our sexual problems went right out the window with all of the garbage. One thing I remember our counselor saying is “Many people are wrong in thinking that the better the sex, the better the marriage. The opposite is true. The better your marriage relationship, the better the sexual intimacy.”
I see many frustrated husbands posting messages on here. I would like to encourage you to read Mars/Venus and 5 Love Languages with your wives. Like many wives, I didn’t understand the impact of sex (or the lack thereof) on my husband. But, once a wife is able to understand, she makes it a priority in her life. My many hopes and prayers go out to all of you who are struggling. Find peace in Christ!
(USA) First off, I want to thank everyone else who has posted. It’s been a real blessing to read these posts and realize I’m not alone in my feelings of depression and despair. It’s true that men don’t talk about this enough, and each one thinks that he is the only one being ‘betrayed’ by his wife’s lack of libido. Isn’t it crazy that rejection from our spouses can hurt so much?
I’ve tried several things to detach from my intense (and mostly unreciprocated) desire for my wife like meditation, alcohol, and pornography. They didn’t work (surprised?) but three things have helped me feel better about myself and my situation are (1) helping out more around the house (yes, scrubbing toilets), (2) losing weight and taking better care of my appearance, and (3) prayer. I can’t say I’m having sex more frequently, but I feel better about myself as a man, and less dependent upon my wife for my own self-esteem.
(USA) In my quest for deeper understanding of my husband’s heart, I stumbled across this article which I am so thankful for. Also, to all of the men who have taken the time to post a comment, I very much thank you for revealing your innermost feelings. Your comments have helped me tremendously.
I have been married to a wonderful and faithful man for 15 years. We have a 4 year-old son and in general, I thought everything was going well. However, since the birth of our son, I must admit that our intimacy has diminished to the point of love-making once a quarter. Obviously, this is not normal, but I did not realize how much this was hurting my marriage since my husband never expressed his needs to me. Although I do enjoy making love with husband, it’s not vital to my well-being or happiness, so it was no longer a priority AT ALL.
During the past year, I have personally grown closer in my walk with the Lord, and most recently, have been earnestly praying for an anointing of His wisdom & revelation. Thinking that the Lord would be showing me things pertaining to my spiritual walk with Him, I suddenly stumbled upon three pornographic websites on my laptop that my husband had been viewing. Words cannot describe how mortified, angry and disgusted I was with my husband. I felt betrayed & was ready to call it quits without discussion.
My husband claims that this was the “first time” that he had viewed such websites and that initially, the little boxes just flashed on the screen. Hmmm. After a thorough scan of all the computers, I am giving him the benefit of the doubt. But the relevance here is that it woke me up to the needs & desires of my husband. We have been intimate for the past 3 nights & in a way that we both have not felt since our son was born (that’s 4 years!).
After love-making, my husband commented about how wonderful he felt and that prior to my renewed interest, he was on the verge of resenting me for “withholding” sex. I was a little perplexed that he had such thoughts. I assumed that he was no longer attracted to me. Go figure!
For all of the husbands & gentlemen out there, I have never “withheld” sex, but (I do admit) that I never expressed a real interest, either. However, never once did my husband express to me just how important it was to him.
I believe that the Lord gave me this revelation and the wisdom to do something about it immediately. In addition, I am convinced that the Lord has instilled a strong desire in my heart, for my husband. I now feel that I physically want to be with him all the time and I want to satisfy his every need.
In summary, my sincere advice is for the husbands to earnestly pray & ask the Lord to give your wives wisdom & revelation, and an open heart regarding this matter. Nothing is impossible with God. Nothing!
I hope you will not grow bitter & angry, but will give your wives a chance to show you just how much they love you. Personally, I wished that my husband would have just written a letter to me expressing his true needs. I was totally clueless!
(UK) This is very sad indeed! I think the best thing is to understand one another, is to accept the fact that we are different. I am looking forward to reading those books with my husband as well. Thanx Barbara; you really brought a message of hope!
(USA) Sex IS the primary way that men receive love FROM THEIR WIVES, but it’s not the primary way that they SHOW love.
Anyway, sex can be divorced from love, especially for a man, but he can’t receive love from his wife if she won’t have sex with him no matter what else she does. Refusal will eclipse everything else.
It’s like a mother who takes care of all her children’s needs; food, clothing, education, hygiene, etc but never talks to them or ever gives them loving hugs. The children will grow up feeling unloved. Its obvious.
(UNITED STATES) What if the husband does not want sex? What if the husband won’t allow a wife to touch him or even to talk about it? What is a wife supposed to do? What if the husband won’t kiss, hug or touch his wife?
This is very sad and when I wish to discuss it he gets angry.
(USA) I stumbled across this site looking for ideas. Married 35 years. Sexless nearly 20 years (less than 6x a year, and progressively less satisfying).
Young folks, remember, the person with the LOWEST sex drive controls the bedroom.
The self esteem issue is very real. My wife was nearly a virgin when we married. I wasn’t. Being religious, we only dated a few times, never lived together and had only a few brief intimate moments before marriage.
The first 10 years were OK. Then the “problems”, Endometriosis, then perpetual menstrual cycles… Then all the other excuses. …. “its so messy, Why can’t you hurry up? Can you finish yourself this time? I’m too dry. I don’t like using lubricant; it’s too messy. You need a shave. Maybe later. Has it already been 6 weeks? Why are you so eager? (Note… when you invite a starving man to the all-you-can-eat buffet the first few courses can be a little enthusiastic!) I need to get up in the morning. I hate that position. Are you finished already? What’s the matter? You’re not hard. Has it already been 6 months? Did we miss our anniversary again? Oh… maybe next year.
So yes, I have resentment. But I love my wife way too much to bother her with sex again. I have completely filled my life with work, hobbies, friends, church, committees, etc.
I get my “safe sex” (hugs, kisses, oral) whenever and wherever I can now. At age 60, there’s too little time left to worry about changing her. Shes’ all dried up, fat and happy. I will never stop loving her, and will never leave her, but my “worth” as a man is no longer in her control.
Any wife who takes her vows seriously will make an effort to honor her husband. Denying sex to your spouse is a broken vow.
If my wife ever rolled over and said “lets get it on” I’m pretty sure I’d have to turn on the light to make sure who it was!
(USA) For any spouses reading this who think denying your spouse sex is a biblical option…. The Apostle Paul disagrees with you.
1 Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
1 Corinthians 7:1-5 (ESV)
That’s the biblical argument that sexual refusal IS sin.
Here’s another argument. For your high drive spouse, their drive is very strong and ever present. God has provided YOU, as the answer to meeting that NEED. And it IS a NEED for someone who is married and HAS a sex drive. Sure, singles go without all the time – but THEY are not expected to live with and even sleep next to a spouse of the opposite gender. They have not been given the “Go ahead” by God. They have not been promised to be fulfilled BY YOU. And they can fill their time in single pursuits WITHOUT you. AND, they have the prospect of marriage to someone who DESIRES them.
For a High Drive spouse, committed to YOU, forever, the prospect of sleeping next to you for the rest of their lives, and almost never having sex….never feeling desired, …in fact feeling repulsive, and never really feeling LOVED…..is TORTURE.
If you don’t think sex is very important in your marriage and you are reading this, you may think that TORTURE is an exaggeration. I submit to you, with nothing to gain for myself, that I am describing being on the receiving end of Sexual Refusal accurately. It IS torture.
Please don’t TORTURE your spouse. Be a generous lover FOR them! Do you love them or not? God smiles on an active Marriage Bed. You gave your promise ” To Have and to Hold” (That means to have sex) Even if this wasn’t in your vows, its the Bible that defines marriage. You are to be having sex with your spouse. I encourage you……show them you love them.
18 Let your fountain be blessed,
and rejoice in the wife of your youth,
19 a lovely deer, a graceful doe.
Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;
be intoxicated always in her love.
Proverbs 5:18-19 (ESV)
3 I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine;
he grazes among the lilies.
Song of Solomon 6:3 (ESV)
(USA) I’m sorry Ned. What a waste of a precious gift that God gave you both. Your wife is defrauding you and in sin, (Per 1 Corinthians 7) not that knowing that will make her change in any way. Some spouses think that any excuse is legitimate because that’s how they “feel” despite what God says in His word. What a waste.
(USA) What about the husband who refuses to have sex with his wife? There has been more attention to this growing epidemic but the repercussions are the same for both sexes. My husband has refused to have sex with me for two years and it has caused great emotional stress.
I used to have faith that one day he will come around and the excuses would stop but after being rejected continuously, well let’s say your self esteem can’t take much more of a beating. Some people may think sex and intimacy isn’t important but sex is what cements a bond; it’s what separates a friendship from a marriage. I don’t need more friends I need a partner. Marriage is a lonely place to be and regret it so much.
(USA) Men and Women are different, not wrong. A very good DVD or Book is called ‘Love & Respect’ by Dr. Emerson E. Eggerichs. This will explain almost everything. I had this as part of my pre-marital classes and it is very truthful I found.
(USA) This article is very eye opening. Most men aren’t willing to tell us things like this. Unfortunately, my husband had been addicted to porn long before we met He’s always watching movies and looking at magazines. I can’t compete with that stuff! I don’t look like those women, and I don’t do the things they do.
He wants me to watch them to “learn” things because he’s really the only intimate partner I’ve ever had. I admit I’ve given what many of the male readers consider excuses, but sometimes a person is genuinely tired. My husband’s drive is very high, and after having several miscarriages, I wasn’t interested for a long time.
Things changed last summer, but the result of me increasing intimate time to meet his needs was me getting pregnant with twins! I retained residual baby weight and we were both exhausted all the time. Suddenly, I was the one getting rejected and was told he’s tired (he stayed home with the kids when he was laid off from work).
I truly desired to have this part of our relationship restored, but now other problems have led to separation. I know his libido is still very strong and I’m concerned he will have an affair while we’re apart. It makes me sad, even though I’ve asked him to come to me with these needs, it has been months. I’ve pretty much assumed he’s going elsewhere.
(USA) I read Ty’s response and I agree with him 100%. By appearances I have a wonderful Christian wife who constantly reads her Bible and prays all the time. But when it comes to intimacy, I am always required to be the initiator. Her lack of initiation translates into rejection of me. I am always flirting with depression and spend far too much mental energy trying to prove to myself that I am a man. I’m exhausted. The church and her college Christian group taught her to be modest. And now we’ve been married for nearly 30 years and she’s still modest!
I admire and applaud the Christian women like Barbara Rainey, Barb Rosberg, Shaunti and Shannon Ethridge who encourage married women to love their husbands in a way they can understand. When I get to heaven (if this is allowed) I want to come visit each of these women and give them a hug for taking the risk to be exposed — for the ultimate purpose of glorifying Christ. In Christ, Jeff
(USA) I am a Christian woman married for 9 years. For the first 5 years of marriage I would turn down my husband if I did not feel like having sex. Then life changed and it has been 4 years since I turned my husband down. The difference in my husband has been amazing. I totally trust my husband around other females because I KNOW that he will come to me for sex, because I keep him satisfied. He has more confidence and self worth. Since my husband is satisfied on an emotional as well as on a physical level he is not as desperate for sex as he use to be and he needs it less. Sex is better and I want it more. One of the best things I did for my marriage was to stop turning my husband down.
We should teach more about what the Bible says about marriage and sex. And we need to put my pressure on the females to follow what the Bible says, not just on men to not commit adultery. From what I understand Christian men do not want to walk around lusting after every woman they see. God has given them a way of escape in their wives, and their wives are failing them in their God-mandated responsibility. As Christians we are not to cause one another to stumble, and as wives we are causing the person who is most important to us to stumble when we are not available for sex.
(TONGA LAND) The Bible has all the answers to the issue we are discussing about sex in marriage. If we could follow the teachings of the Bible we could have a happy marriage full of good sex and romance. God has given us the institution of marriage where couples could enjoy each other freely and whole-heartedly, but the problem lies in selfishness. You find a wife starves her husband by not giving him enough sex, while a man desires more of his wife.
What does the Bible say, in the book of Genesis chapter 3 verse 16? “Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee”. The woman’s desire is for her husband, meaning she has to desire to please him, to satisfy his needs, etc. If a husband is not around, the woman is supposed to long for him, desire to see his face, be with him & love him. As for men, it is our duty to LOVE the wife, the wife has to submit, obey etc. But what is happening nowadays is the opposite, a husband is the one who desires his wife, while a wife is now the ruler of the husband.
The way God created a man, He created him in a way that the reproductive system of a man is hot and needs to release the pressure every 24 hrs. If we look in animal kingdom, the male to female ratio is 1 to many. Hence in the Old Testament & other tribes they allow polygamy, the reason being, to enable men fulfill their work effectively, etc. However in the New Testament the issue of polygamy is silent. It’s not accepted. For a Deacon or an Overseer has to be a man who has one wife. This tells if you are a Christian; you must have one wife. This tells us to always enjoy love & sex with our spouse. There must be room for compromise. Letting one another down creates unnecessary tension, which can result in evil desires, then sin, then one’s down fall.
Husband, love your wife, so like wise wife submit. Obey your husband in the fear of the Lord. Men, learn to love your wife and understand her that she is a weaker vessel, but by the grace of the Lord, you will make it.
I have been married to my beautiful wife for 6 years. The first year was great; everything was super, love, romance & sex was super. Things started to change after the birth of our son. After a year when she started using contraceptive pills, she said she did not have desire (libido) to have sex. She was saying that lack of libido was one of the side effects, so most of the times she was turning me down etc.
here was a time I nearly went astray, but I tried my best to remain faithful. I talked to her on several occasions on how I felt about the whole issue. Still things were not working, until recently, she happened to travel and we missed each other for 2 months. We could talk on the phone & e-mail. This break has done wonders. Now she is back. It’s like we have started all over again. Our sex life is back to square one, and we are enjoying each & every moment we are together.
We have agreed to keep the fire burning. The time we missed each other was a time of soul searching and rebirth of love. We have rediscovered the formula and I believe by the grace of our Lord Jesus we will make it. Thank God for saving my marriage.
Sometimes a break can do good, but it should not be a very long break. 2 weeks of missing is good; also praying for one another is a key.
(US) You’re kidding me.!! Men are actually handing over a large amount of power to women. Women have the power to increase your self confidence and self esteem. Oh please, why would you hand over so much power? I’m sorry, but you sound like a bunch of wimps, crying because you dropped your ice cream. Why do you need someone to make you feel “loved and needed”. It seems to me that your self esteem should come from within yourself and not from another person or from sex.
Nobody is placed on this earth to make you feel complete, you need to accomplish this yourself. Nobody is handing me my self esteem on a platter and it’s crazy that you expect that from another person and then use some lame excuse that it’s your wives fault that you are depressed. Then you try and ‘justify’ an affair. You are truely, without a doubt, the weeker sex.
(UNITED STATES) I am alarmed at the number of men who honestly are ok with the idea that they receive their validation from their wives. The biblical picture of sex between man and woman is just that, a picture, a portrayal of the relationship we have with God. We are the Bride of Christ! The intimacy of a sexual relationship is designed to be the most intimate experience humans have, as it fortells of the intimacy God desires with us. His love for us is far more than simply bringing us to heaven. It is about the greatest love affair of all time. God’s love for us is deeper than just the way we feel, it is about the deepest parts of our hearts, the deepest wounds to be healed, the deepest desires we can know all spring from this relationship.
I am a recovering sex addict, 13 years in recovery, an addict from the age of 12, and turned 40 this year. Throughout years of ministry, pastoral, youth, and college, I would say things like, “…my wife’s desire for sex with me, passionate, toe-curling sex, is a reflection of how much she loves me, how much I mean to her, how in love with me she is…all because of articles like this one….that is utter rubbish.
I am to take my strength, as a man, not a macho, puffed up, posing manliness, that is weak and sniveling, but true masculinity, that which comes from God, and is passed to me through that relationship. I am to take that to the woman, offer her my strength…use it for her. It is a travesty that too many men go to women for their validation. She holds the keys, and what happens when the report card she gives you is a failing grade? She does NOT have the last word for you as a man, God does. His validation will seal you, and then you can be in a relationship with a woman and offer her your true self.
I know, some of you are cringing at the thought of a macho holy roller, whopping his wife over the head with his Bible. That is not it at all. When I stopped searching for my wife to validate me, I became a man that she could not keep her hands off of… she desires me, because I am becoming the man she thought she was getting 16 years ago.
I have so much more to say….maybe another time… Have your men read, “Wild At Heart” by John Eldredge? It will change their lives… Women, read, “Captivating” by Stasi Eldredge, it will change your life as well, not to mention your marriage. …ntil next time… Logan
(CANADA) L. or Logan, Why are you married then? Leave and do minister work and get rid of the ‘ole wifey. For His sake you should leave. No? Whimp.
(USA) I am enjoying reading all the comments. I wonder what all these men look, feel and smell like who are complaining about their wives not wanting to have sex with them? I wonder when the last time these husbands really tried to please their wife during sex? I wonder if you are really that terrible at making love that perhaps she really has no desire for you? Perhaps you are doing something that actually really turns her off. It may be no wonder why she does not want to be intimate with you. I am not justifying the refusals but it has to go both ways.
Perhaps she is not attracted to you physically. Perhaps, because you are behaving like a spoiled child who did not get his lollypop today, you are making her feel like your mother. Perhaps you are making her feel like a whore you picked up off the street who is only there to satisfy you. Perhaps it would be easy to make love to you if you loved yourself enough to take care of yourself and get in shape. Perhaps you could understand how your wife feels after going to work, preparing dinner, taking care of the kids, cleaning house, and all the other things in her day that deplete her energy.
If you are not helping meet her needs, how can you wonder why she does not have the energy at the end of the day to take care of your needs? Is it any wonder that you are not getting your needs met?
I want to say, Grow up and be a man! Wives don’t want to be made to feel responsible for your depression and all your other poor self esteem issues. Your self esteem should not be her responsibility. Stop whining and meet some of her needs, then perhaps some of your needs might get met. I don’t think you men understand how demeaning it is for you to demand sex and treat your wife like a whore and then wonder why she is not interested in sex. And then if she doesn’t come through for you, you accuse her of rejecting you and become sullen and reject her. Sex then becomes a duty and an obligation, which is not what you want. It is a vicious circle, but it is not all the woman’s fault, which some of you seem to think.
I understand you have physical needs that women don’t have, but it is more than physical for women. We need to feel safe, nurtured and loved, and we need romance and heart to heart conversation. We don’t get turned on at a drop of a hat, it takes time and attention. We have to plan for sex, it is not usually just spontaneous, especially as we get older and have more responsibilities and physical ailments. We don’t get turned on by your constant, needy sexual advances, we need romance and relaxation to be turned on.
I am betting that most of these husbands who are complaining about not getting enough sex are living with wives who feel used up, unloved, and misunderstood and subsequently are unable to open up to their husbands because he can’t or won’t be intimate with her and meet her emotional needs. If you are feeling rejected because your wife isn’t giving you enough sex, first look in the mirror, and then try to walk a mile in her shoes. If you want a perky little woman who will love to love you; make that possible for her! Be the man she wants to love.
(USA) CL, Wow, that’s a pretty good rant. So what is your scriptural basis for that? Can you show me in scripture where it says for a wife to refuse sex or to simply refuse to be loving towards her husband because he doesn’t meet her standards?
I’m not arguing against husbands doing those things, so don’t mis-understand. However, I think you’ll find a lot of husbands DID or even DO those things and yet the situation doesn’t change.
Or worse, my ex-wife wouldn’t make love with me. Wouldn’t even talk about what would make it better, what would it take for her to be enthusiastic about it. But she had no problem having an affair and opening up to another married man.
So, should I just assume that the problem is with women? After all, my experience is that women cannot be open and honest with their husbands. When a husband senses something wrong and asks specific questions about how to make things better, she will lie and say things are fine, while she’s sleeping with another man. For me to say that is about as valid as your rant here.
This topic was for wives to look at their stuff. To make sure they are in the right with respect to scripture and how they treat their husbands.
From the last I heard, women don’t have some lock on morality. God says in His word that ALL are sinners. Not just men. So for every man who may fall into what you’ve described, there is probably a woman who fails to respond to men who do exactly what you describe if not more.
But it appears this topic is about those women who have unilaterally decided that they are the final say regarding what should or shouldn’t be important for their husbands.
So I suggest instead of blaming men, why not take your advice and walk in the shoes of the man who is all you say he should be, but his wife has decided that neither he, nor scripture really knows how important sex is to the marital relationship?
(S.AFRICA) Dear CL, I could not have said it better.
(FRANCE) I love my wife so much yet for the last 25 years we’ve been married we make love perhaps once every three months and now even less. Is it me or is she turned on with someone else?
(NIGERIA) Why we have to experience this, I don’t know. I’ve been married for 4 years and at the beginning, things were rosy. Right now, it’s like I have to book an appointment to have sex. I give all the signs and verbal hints but get no response just the regular responses of I’m tired, my waist or leg aches or I have headache.
I help in cleaning the house, going to the market, etc, but it doesn’t still help. She’d rather cuddle or just lie down and talk or stare into each other’s eyes. On [certain actions] in foreplay, one day she said I should stop that it is not biblical. She used to [do certain things for me] and has stopped; same reason. These used to add flair to the romance, but now, she says those [certain actions] can cause a miscarriage (we’ve lost two pregnancies and I feel she is emotionally low; but I give her support). Even positioning is an almost forgone issue.
Even when we have sex or make love, it’s one sided like she’s fulfilling all righteousness. There was a time we had it 3-4 times a week and I was the one to say lets take a day’s break, but now 1-2 weeks. If I keep silent, it can go longer.
I have been tempted I must confess. I’ve looked (emotional infidelity) but not had the guts to stray (the fear of God). My self esteem is not bashed as described by most men; I don’t allow her rejection to affect that part of me. It just leaves a hole within me. It creates an emptiness that I used to fill with self-gratification and porn but have since forgone these. I’m learning to do without it and this is dangerous ‘cos I’d reject her also.
Wives need to realize that being a Christian does not necessarily enhance you as a man sexually. Literarily I mean, it’s no guarantee that either party won’t cheat. We need help, wives; we really need it.