One of the most perplexing things about marriage is how you can live together day in and day out and with each passing day you realize how very little you understand about each other. We’re sure when we marry that this won’t be “OUR” problem, like it is for other married couples – only to find out that “oh, yes it is!”

Well, we can’t help you entirely combat this problem, but we can help you a little with it. This week, we’re going to feature some things that Cindy Easley (whose husband Michael is the president of Moody Bible Institute), had to say to wives on the subject of “oneness” at a Weekend to Remember Marriage Conference for the ministry of Family Life Today www.familylife.com.

In this message we’re going to give you 3 quotes from Cindy Easley’s talk. After each quote I (Cindy Wright) will comment further on the subject—which will have [brackets] surrounding it. Next week we’ll feature a several different quotes about a husband’s responsibilities for oneness that my husband, Steve Wright will comment on. Here’s what Cindy Easley had to say to wives:

Be creative. Take the romantic lead. Teach your husband what is romantic. You are not usurping your husband’s leadership by teaching him how to be romantic. If you love candles, get out the candles. One night when we first moved to Virginia—we had moved from Texas and we didn’t have a fireplace in Texas, there was no need—but in Virginia we had a fireplace.

One day I said, “Do you know what I think would be really romantic?” to Michael, and he said, “What?” And I said it would be really romantic to have a fire in the fireplace and just to be able to turn off all the noise in the house, put on some romantic music at night when the kids are in bed, wouldn’t that be romantic? That’s what we had at our house that night. He set it all up, and it was wonderful. And it didn’t bother me at all that I had to plant, not so subtly, the idea. It worked, I thought, very well.

[This is a touchy subject because women want men to anticipate their every romantic need. But most men aren’t “wired” that way—some men are, but that appears to be rare. (Some men may have gone through a romantic period before marriage, when temporary brain chemicals—which studies have shown to be present—were altering their minds, but later they “lost” that sense of romanticism.)

Women can think it’s because of another excuse, but we need to quit being fault-finders and instead work with the way things really ARE. If your husband is “clueless” as to what you need then demonstrate the grace to respectfully “help” them. There’s nothing wrong with doing that. We don’t lead fairy tale lives. This is the real world and if our husband’s need help, then do so by the grace of God. Quit complaining and start initiating, if that’s what it takes.]

Here’s another quote from Cindy Easley:

Let me give you a little insight into your husband. Somewhere they have disconnected their thoughts and their feelings from who they are, from being able to express them. Some of your husbands are in that position and you know what, ladies, for some of them it is a risk because for some of you, you are very quick thinkers. You’re decisive communicators. That’s a gift.

They aren’t that way, so ask them how they think, how they feel, give them time to process. It may take hours, it may take days, give them time to process. And then when they tell you what they think or feel, even if you disagree, even if you think their thought is absurd, do not shoot them down. Please accept their thoughts and feelings, because they are different from yours. Mine are different from my husband’s.

[This is a difficult thing to do. There have been scientific studies showing that most often women have more connective tissues within their brains to help them to be quicker thinkers—not smarter thinkers, but quicker ones. Sometimes this is good and sometimes it’s bad because if we speak faster than we engage the brain to think things through then saying it quicker isn’t always best. The Bible points out, that being quick in speech isn’t always best. We list quite a few quotes you might want to look at on our web site at “Scripture Verses on Communication.”

But whatever the case, it would be wise to give our husbands “space and grace” in this area of communication. Some men will never be as skilled in expressing their feelings or maybe think it’s necessary to do so (another “male” trait that perplexes women). On our web site we have quite a few articles posted to read that might help you to better understand this problem.

Also, you might want to read (or re-read), Marriage Message #258—“Bridging Differing Styles of Communication”, #247—“The Logical Versus Feeling Approach to Marriage” and #204—“What is your Communication Style?” All of them are also posted on our web site in the “Marriage Messages” section. (If you don’t have access to the Internet, possibly you could find a friend who does who will cut and paste each one into a letter form to send to you.)]

And one final quote from Cindy Easley:

Love is listening. It’s giving your husband full attention. When Michael comes home from work, if I’m not in the middle of burning dinner or trying to teach our children a subject that I don’t know, then I will follow Michael up to the bedroom and just talk for a few minutes. You know, this is not the time for that deep conversation concerning a problem we have. It’s more of a “How was your day,” and he doesn’t even have to really answer.

Now, let me ask you, when you ask your husband “How was your day?” What does he say? “Fine.” We’re all married to the same men. That’s what they say. So at this point, just following up into the bedroom, I let him get away with “fine.” It’s because we’re just kind of touching base here. I’m just letting him know that I’m interested in him, that I love him, that I’m willing to stop what I’m doing to give him a little eye contact as he’s changing clothes or to be in the same room.

Later I find it’s helpful after dinner, after the kids are in bed, when life has settled down in our household, to say, “So, you said that your day was fine. What was the highlight of your day today?”  It’s ok at that point to ask him specific questions.

[The Bible tells us that there is “a time for everything under heaven.” In marriage it’s beneficial to be aware of what “time” will work best to engage in various activities and types of conversation. Just because it’s convenient for you, or because you crave certain types of conversations at certain times, it doesn’t mean it’s the BEST time to get the positive results you really want.

Marriage Message #251—“Wind Down Time” and #256— “Working with Gender Differences” would be good for you to read if you face this dilemma. If you’ve done everything you can think of to remedy this situation in your marriage, we know this can be especially challenging. But don’t give up. Keep praying that God will show you how to work within this problem. Give your spouse YOUR full attention whenever you can (knowing this is the right thing to do) and pray the Lord will show you in the future how to work through, around, or in spite of this problem in communication.]

If you want to read or listen to the rest of Cindy Easley’s talk you can do so by visiting the web site for Family Life Today at www.familylife.com and clicking on “Past Broadcasts.” You’ll find it featured under the title of “Understanding Your Husband” which aired on 07/1/067 and 07/18/06.

Our prayers are with you as together we work to make our marriages the best they can be with God’s help!

Cindy and Steve Wright