Not forgiving interferes with the effectiveness of your prayer life (Mark 11:25). That means your prayers don’t get answered. That means you can’t experience the full benefits of God’s forgiveness if you are not forgiving others— especially your spouse. That means God puts your blessings on hold and waits until you take care of that unfinished business.
Not forgiving evaporates your joy. When you don’t forgive, it brings up a barrier to the joy God has for you. No one is ever truly happy if they have unforgiveness in their heart.
Not forgiving weakens your body. It eats away at you and eventually takes over and destroys your life from the inside. It makes you physically sick as well as spiritually crippled. When you forgive you release it into God’s hand and healing comes for your body as well as your soul.
Not forgiving opens the door for the enemy to work in your life. We have to forgive “lest Satan should take advantage of us” (2 Corinthians 2:11). We invite the enemy in if we harbor unforgiveness. And when you treat your spouse as if he (she) is the enemy —or your spouse acts as if you are —you align yourselves with your true enemy and his plans for your future.
Not forgiving pollutes your soul. The Bible says, “Does a spring send forth fresh water and bitter from the same opening?” (James 3:11). If you have unforgiveness, the water in your soul will become bitter.
Seven More Things to Remember About Not Forgiving
1. Not forgiving will torture you. “‘Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you? And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him. So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses” (Matthew 18:33-35).
2. Not forgiving causes you to entertain thoughts of revenge. “Do not say, ‘I will do to him just as he has done to me; I will render to the man according to his work’” (Proverbs 24:29).
3. Not forgiving means you won’t be forgiven by God. “But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:15).
4. Not forgiving delays the answers to your prayers. “Whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses” (Mark 11:25).
5. Not forgiving means you see the failures of others, but not your own. “Why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye?” (Matthew 7:3-5).
6. Not forgiving means you are walking in darkness. “He who hates his brother is in darkness and walks in darkness, and does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded his eyes” (1 John 2:11).
7. Not forgiving means you are not pursuing what is best for your marriage. “See that no one renders evil for evil to anyone, but always pursue what is good both for yourselves and for all” (1 Thessalonians 5:15).
…I know that the last thing you may feel like doing is praying for your spouse if he (she) has hurt you, but that is what God wants you to do. In the process He will heal your pain because He is the God who “heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3).
God will help you forgive so completely that you really don’t think about those hurtful things anymore. As you pray, God will give you His heart of love. You always grow to love the person you pray for. Try it; you’ll see. God wants you to live “not returning evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you were called to this, that you may inherit a blessing” (1 Peter 3:9).
God isn’t calling you to forgive so He can rub your nose in what offended or hurt you. He is asking you to forgive because when you do, you will inherit all that he has for you.
The above article comes from the excellent book, Praying through the Deeper Issues of Marriage by Stormie Omartian, published by Harvest House Publishers. There is a lot more to the above article that comes from the chapter on “If Forgiveness Doesn’t Come Easy” that you may find helpful in reading.
In addition, you will find that there are other helpful chapters you can read on anger, rudeness, abuse, communication break downs, depression, negative emotions, having children dominate your marriage, addictions and other destructive behaviors, outside influences on your sexual relationship, hardness of heart, distance in your relationship, the “D” word, infidelity, if one decides to leave home, lost hope, and more. Each chapter also has Scripture Truths to Stand on as well as Prayers for Protection on those particular subjects and Prayer Breakthroughs for you and also for your spouse. This is an excellent book that we highly recommend! See or purchase this book now.
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4 comments so far ↓
1 Cynthia // Aug 5, 2008 at 3:29 am
(ZIMBABWE) Forgiveness is very essential especially in marriages, but I have a question. Is it possible to forgive someone who doesn’t want to admit the hurt he/she has caused you? You may know the truth but the offender does not want to prove the truth and admit to it. I’m facing such a problem and I want my heart clean, what do I do?
2 Patricia // Aug 5, 2008 at 7:23 am
(SA) My husband has just caught me cheating for the 3rd time. Cheating has really taken its toll on me. Emotionally I am torn. Torn by thinking that all my problem will be resolved by just finding another man. I have closed every door that was open for my relationship with my husband to grow. I have hurt him and the hurt will be revealed in my children’s faces. My husband is one person who has loved me and I didn’t see it. I need God to help me sort myself out and to allow my husband to find happiness and a true loving person who will respect him.
3 Cindy Wright // Aug 5, 2008 at 9:07 am
Hi Cynthia, I’m so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. My heart goes out to you. It’s so difficult to deal with those who hurt us and then distort the truth of the situation. Please know that we grieve with you.
As far as your question, I believe it would be helpful for you to read more of the articles as well as the quotes we have posted in this section of the web site, particularly the article “Are There Times We Shouldn’t Forgive.” From what I read in the scriptures, God wants us to forgive no matter what the offense is, and regardless of the conditions. He paved the way for forgiveness when we were yet sinners and from what I perceive, He expects us to forgive without conditions attached. Reconciling takes both parties, but releasing ourselves from the entrapment of unforgiveness is for us to give regardless.
I believe it is because God cares so much for us. Bitterness and unforgiveness, once it starts to take root, continues to grow and tightens the grip it has on us until it invades our very being and every aspect of who we are and who we will become. It blinds us to reality and negatively changes how we interact with others and how we approach life. But as we work with the Lord (and keep working with Him) to break free from this insidious enemy of our soul, we will be free to approach life, the situation, and the person (or people) who hurt us, with God-given maturity. Forgiving others also hands them over to God to ultimately deal with them.
I pray the Lord helps you to sort this situation out in Truth and gives you the strength to forgive as God has forgiven you. May God bless you in your journey.
4 LT // Aug 5, 2008 at 9:19 am
(USA) Hi Patricia and Cynthia, I wanted to say to Cynthia that the Bible says to forgive no matter what. See Matt. 18:21-22 (but read to the end of the chapter as well because it has some useful spiritual advice, like all of the Bible, of course).
However your question is certainly valid and worth asking. My personal experience (with an abusive husband) is that despite my forgiveness toward him (as I’m commanded to), he may not always (and does not) apologize or even be repentful.
So….my answer is yes, you must forgive, but it’s good to recognize, from the Holy Spirit, that someone hasn’t repented. This does not make you a sinner to see that. If you start judging him, from the flesh, because of that knowledge, then that is a sin. But just discerning unrepentance on the part of someone else is not a sin or being judgmental, nor does it nullify your forgiveness of that person.
My suggestion would be, if you have the kind of relationship where you can gently and calmly tell the person who has offended you, go ahead. Something as simple as, "That offended me. It would make me feel better if you apologized." I’ve done that before with my husband but he has to be in a certain mood for that to happen and with him, it doesn’t happen much. Only you know your relationship with the person who hurt you well enough to know if they would be open to hearing you about that, without being rude to you for it.
Hope this helps. Obviously, follow what the Holy Spirit is telling you before you do what I or anyone else tells you.
To Patricia, I’m sorry for what is happening to your family but I applaud your courage at recognizing sin in yourself and wanting to do something about it. There are a few resources on this site that will help you further in your particular situation.
Please see the following article. The article is helpful, as well as all the comments. If you look at the comments for the last 3 months or so, you will find a lot of women there struggling with the exact same type of situation you are in as well as how they are handling it. There are a lot of comments there so you can just read them at your own pace but I would recommend it (and the article, too).
http://www.marriagemissions.com/total-separation-the-right-way-to-end-an-affair/
I would also suggest looking at the resources on the following page. They have to do with emotional infidelity. Whether your affairs crossed the line into the physical or not, for women particularly, the desire for affair always starts in the heart, anyway. From an emotional need so these articles should definitely help open your eyes to why the temptation is there. I struggled with this myself (emotional neediness and unfulfillment) for years and they really helped me.
http://www.marriagemissions.com/category/emotional-infidelity/
With love to both of you and God bless you and keep you.
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