What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Menopause
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“Five thousand American women enter it every day. No, it’s not a day spa. Nor is it an outpatient clinic for plastic surgery. And it’s certainly not optional—although many options exist for dealing with it. It’s menopause —often referred to as The Big M. Over the generations it’s been called The Change of Life —for more reasons than one.
“For many women, menopause comes abruptly, far sooner than 51, the average age of the body’s natural cessation of menses—due to the 6,000 hysterectomies performed in the U.S. each year. For the rest, this unavoidable rite of passage often sneaks up after a six-month to ten-year hormonal time warp called peri-menopause” (Ronna Synder, from Kyria.com article Managing Menopause).
As a husband reading what Ronna wrote, it can be a real slap of reality. One year, one month, one week, one day seems too long to go through this, and yet, many of you know, this is just the beginning of a long season… a very long, long season of difficulties, for your wife and for you!
Sometimes we wish that every marriage could come with a manual on “what to do if…” but unfortunately it doesn’t.
However, we live in a day and age where we aren’t left entirely alone as far as not having any information available to help us! We are blessed to live in a world where some people have lived through a few things and have learned through a few things, and are willing to pass on to others (such as ourselves) what they have learned.
And that applies to the subject of Menopause. How do you survive this transition of life and help your wife the best way you can?
There’s no “one-size-fits-all” answer to that, but author Lois Mowday Rabey wrote an article that might help you in some way with that dilemma.
Below you will find a link to the helpful web site of Family Life Today where they have posted this article for your reading pleasure … or maybe we should say for your “survival.”
As you read through the article ask God to show you what information you can apply to your marriage that will best help you and your wife.
Please click onto the link provided below to read this article:
• WHAT WIVES WISH THEIR HUSBANDS KNEW ABOUT MENOPAUSE
The next article we recommend you read is written by a woman named Magnolia, who had a conversation with a man named Andy on the subject of Peri-menopause (which is a type of pre-menopause). Having gone through this herself, Magnolia explains to Andy a lot of things that you may find helpful to know as well.
While this article isn’t approached from a Christian perspective, it’s still very enlightening and worth gleaning through.
To do so, please click onto this Peri-Menopause blog to read:
• How Can I Help My Wife in Perimenopause? A Conversation with a Reader
Plus, below is another link to an article that gives instructions how to give support to your wife during this tim in your lives together. Please click onto the ehow.com link to read:
• HOW TO HELP A WIFE WITH MENOPAUSE
Also, below is a link to a blog where a husband asks the following question:
Question: My wife is going through menopause and I am feeling kicked out of a relationship that I really want. She doesn’t want physical contact, most of the time. The sex drive is less than off. She thinks that is all I think about. But it has been nearly year and a half. I am 11 years younger and need some advice.
Please click onto the Dailystrength.org link provided below to read more:
• WOMEN: I Need Your Help and Advice
And lastly, from Paul Byerly, on The-generous-Husband.com web site, Paul gives the following insights you may find helpful:
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(AMERICA) I don’t how to deal with my wife having menopause. What do I do?
(USA) As far as knowing what to do, that’s hard. Maybe it’s easier to think of the things you shouldn’t do. Don’t pressure her into answering you or coming up with solutions fast. Don’t do anything that might make her feel like you don’t care. Don’t let her think your perception of her has changed in any way. Don’t think or let her think that it’s the end of the world, but simply a part of life, that everyone goes through, and we can too.
This is a time in your life to treat that person very gently, carefully and with the greatest of love. I don’t know what works. I know what does not work. I was not careful. My wife just ended our relationship about an hour ago.
(USA) Scott, My prayers are with you! Jay
(TINBUKTU) I have to say in all honesty that I am also going through pre-menopause. Regarding relationships, I am no expert but I will say one thing: without love, you don’t have much, the sex is just a part of it all. The greater picture is that if you have a marraige that was based on sex first and lacks the kindness and respect throughout, then the sex is a give and it will subside into no gear. If this is true for you, you may not know what true love is, and if your sense of rejection is based on your errection, you need a re-evaluation of yourself.
(USA) Hi Joe, Aside from the article mentioned above (which I assumed you already read) there are a lot of articles out there on menopause that discuss the physical and emotional side-effects of menopause. You might want to start with webmd.com and wikipedia.com and then, also, just do a google search as well to find articles that talk about how to deal with a woman/spouse going through menopause.
I’m in my 30′s so I’m not at that phase yet but I do think that part of it is the body’s way of being the "official" end of youth (although I thought that about getting my first gray hair years ago) and so some women have a more difficult time with it than others.
And because it’s such a radical physical change, some women don’t even know how to deal with themselves, let alone how to suggest to others how to deal with them. You should find as many helpful articles as you can, I believe the information you are seeking is out there and maybe even consider a book or two. You might also want to share the resources you find with your wife. God bless, LT
(USA) Hi Joe, You and your wife have my sympathies! Having gone through Menopause, I can tell you it is a real battle! Sometimes it’s all a woman can do to try to react in sane ways. Even SHE doesn’t want to be in the same room with herself at times.
I had to go through it “cold turkey” without any hormonal help because of my propensity towards cancer. And natural hormones don’t work for me either. But with a lot of prayer, gritting my teeth, biting my tongue, and having a very supportive husband, we made it through the worst of times. I guess when the wedding vow says, “For better or worse”, you could say the menopausal time is one of the worst — for all concerned!
Like LT said, it would be good to go on an aggressive search for information. Whenever there is a problem in one of your lives (or both, as in this case), it should become your mission to find ways to work through it. Persevere, as the Bible tells you!
I’m not sure if your wife would want you to share the information with her or not. Some women would be threatened by that. I wouldn’t have been. But every woman is different.
But if she sees you trying to learn about it, tell her that you want to be her partner in trying to make this transition as easy as possible for her. Tell her that you have heard that it is a very difficult time for a woman to go through and you want to make sure that you are as supportive as possible, and gathering information will help you to do that. Then you can ask her if she wants you to make copies of anything you find out. Let it be her option.
Most of all, this will be a time when she needs your unconditional love — to love the “unlovely”. If she’s going overboard emotionally and is doing some things that are extreme, try to speak the “truth in love” so she doesn’t live with too many regrets. But also be willing to be a soft shoulder to fall on and have arms that are open to hug her when she needs it. (I know this can be difficult for many men to think of, but trust me, it is very, very helpful for a woman to have this.)
Don’t look for a way to escape, but try to be Christ with skin on for her. Usually when we feel like we’re under attack, we try to find a way out of it, rather than persevering through it. But realize that it won’t last forever (even if it seems like it). If you keep praying for her and with her and for yourself, that you would treat her “as unto the Lord”, you will get through this time and come out stronger in so many ways.
I pray the Lord helps you and guides you and gives you the abundant wisdom and supernatural strength you need! May God be merciful to both of you through this time!
(USA) Hello, I really need help. My wife Janet and I have been married since 1980, have four beautiful daughters and two grandchildren, and our relationship throughout our marriage has been wonderful– physically, emotionally, spiritually. She will turn 50 this year; I will be 55. She began going through menopause in 2008 and everything changed. Now, she won’t even hug me or kiss me goodnight, much less show any interest in a deeper intimacy. She says she loves me, but I feel so alone now.
Could this be a symptom of her going through menopause? Is "going through menopause" a permanent thing, to last for the rest of her life? Please advise me as to what to do, or at least where to start looking for help. Thank you.
(USA) I have read about menopause and supporting my wife during this rough time until I am blue in the face. My wife is 38 and going through the "change". I have been what I think is very supportive and understanding during this time. What I don’t understand is why we (the men) have to simply take a step back and let the woman get all the sympathy. I have lost my wife! She is not the same woman that I married. I love her very much, but her not having any time for me and my needs is really starting to wear on me. I sometimes sleep on the couch, because when I lay in bed with her all I can think about is why can she not show me the love and affection that I am giving her. I’m 37 and I still have emotional and physical needs, but none of that seems to matter to her or to any article that I have read. What are we (men) supposed to do? Do we just sit back and pretend that everything will get better on of these days? Do we have to continue to live alone and miserable until this passes? I’m emotionally tired and I am near the giving up point. What should I do?
(US) I try to read all the articles I can about menopause to either try to understand or see someone in the exact situation.
This is the 3rd marriage for both of us. I truly had found my soulmate when I met my wife, never thought I would ever stand a chance to ever be with her long term, but we connected. As a woman, she satisfied every desire and feeling a man could ever want or dream of. I can still just close my eyes and become aroused at her beauty and the responsiveness she gave to me. I never, ever felt the desire to look at another woman, cause I had it all, right there next to me.
After 11 years together she still takes my breath away when I hold her close. Then bang it hits menopause, I can’t see her naked, she rarely touches me, no more oral sex (love doing it to her, and don’t expect it back), nothing, total lack of desire, no response when the rare opportunity comes along and little or no desire to even try. As you tell from the comments above I love this woman more then my 50% in our relationship and would give her the world. What does a man do to keep his self esteem? I sometimes think that a few hours now and then with another woman –just to see her naked and feel some passion, would get me through this, if in fact there is an end. Any advice.
(PA) I am 38 and my wife is 42. I was searching the web to find out what to do. My wife is pre-menopausal. She is distant and doesn’t understand my desire for intimacy. She thinks I should be able to wait and not expect it.
We have had a good sex life. In the last year it has gone from 3 times a wk to 3 times a month. I’ve been satisfying myself, but I feel guilty, because I’m a man of God. I haven’t been with another women, neither do I plan to. It’s just difficult, because I’ve always been the giving one emotionally and it seems that I have to give more. I’m going to start some counseling (which I really can’t afford right now, but I have to do something because I feel alone and angry.)
(CANADA) I am a 58 year old male my wife is 54 and going through menopause. She is acting really weird. She has had sexual conversations with a man on line. I am deeply hurt. I want her to have no further contact with him –no emails, no private chats. She says yes to that but still wants to have contact in pogo poker rooms which is where they met. I love my wife dearly. She is my life and I don’t wish to lose her.
She is away visiting a friend now and we have only talked about this by phone. There is talk from both of us about splitting up which scares me to death. I only found out about this affair after she left on her trip. I try to console myself that it wasn’t really sex, just talk, but it is driving me crazy. She won’t be home for two more days and I am in bad shape. Nights are the worst. I am totally alone then with no one to talk to. Crazy thoughts go round my mind (not about hurting myself) but what else is going on behind my back? I really need advice on how to deal with her when she comes home.
(USA) My lovely English wife has gone off with another guy because of this menopause crap. She was just online and bam, 5 kids, Christian home unbelievable! I AM LIVING IN A CHRISTIAN MEN’S HOUSE. She got everything. Obviously I am another pathetic Christian statistic, sorry. Let me know when you figure it out. HOWEVER, I AM MOVING ON.
(CANADA) Our entire culture is based upon the male dealing with this normal transition. Every solution is based upon making the female gender comfortable with absolute and total disregards to males. The total cop out and disregard for the male gender will eventually totally destroy the possibilities of marriages surviving beyond this adjustment period. Receiving hormone treatment or psychological counciling is portrayed in the media as something the male gender is generally not worthy of.
Why even bother getting married? It’s a no win situation that ultimately favors the apparent severe suffering that that the extremely fragile and not ready for prime time females have to eventually go through??? The whole idea that something women have gone through since the dawn of time is now the one and only most important phase of a relationship is going to destroy any resemblance of marriage. The human race is ceasing to evolve in any positive manner.
(CANADA) Give me a break Mark! Where do you get off? No don’t tell me! When you wrote your comment were you in the middle of telling your wife that you are thinking of getting a mistress because she isn’t there for little, old YOU! Believe me if a little Blue pill could fix things for my husband and I then I’d be taking them. So stop because as far as I know it’s still a man’s world.
(U.S.) Jim, I did that to my husband! Not a happy moment in our lives! Months have passed since that situation but memory still there. I went on FB and found an old friend, well you know the rest! Did not become physical but very friendly. My hub and I are together but don’t think there was a resolution. Never spoke about the why it happened. I’ll tell you, I felt pushed aside, unimportant, not sexually desired. I was losing the part of myself that made me feel alive.
Sex to me is not just about let’s go jump in the bed but about the mentally turned on. I had felt hurt for a long time and had given up on the passion I once had. I didn’t want a divorce, I have children and am very devoted to & their upbringing. Talking about it may be too touchy of a subject. My weight may be a reason why he stays away from me. He dislikes big women. My seclusion only makes me not care about self. Still together but still worlds apart! Maybe someday I’ll lose the weight…
(USA) Good Lord, she is having an affair. Confront her and talk about this You have some serious issues. Pray and get counseling from a preacher if you cannot afford it. Don’t let this continue; you will be sorry.
(USA) Jim, we (Marriage Missions) have some help for you to start dealing with this. In fact, because you live in Canada you have access to one of the BEST possible resources. Go back to our web site and go into the section, “Marriage Counseling.” Then go into the “Links and Resources.” Scroll down until you see “Focus On The Family Counselor Referrals.” Then, look at the bottom of that and you’ll see, “Canada.” Click on that and once your on their web site go to the top of the home page and click on “Contact.”
Fill out the information and submit it and they will contact you within a few days. They have a lot of experience in dealing with your particular situation, Jim.
Another GREAT resource could be Familylifecanada.org because they also deal with a lot of these types of issues.
You should get some good counsel and help in how to communicate with your wife. You may also get some ideas from others who monitor this BLOG. We’ll be praying for you and believing that God will open the eyes of your wife’s heart so she can see the pain and hurt her behavior is causing you. Blessings! Steve Wright
(USA) Hello, my girlfriend and I have been together for 12 years and have a 5 year old girl. I’m 29 and shes 41. First of all I LOVE MY GIRLFRIEND and I try and do show her and tell her every day how much I love her. We love to spend time together but now it is not the same. The change is really getting to her and I know that she has sex with me without wanting to and that huts me emotionally.
I try to understand her and I do but there are times when I really need her and the “I don’t want to” really hurts me. I give her rubs constantly and I constantly on a daily basis tell her I love her and that she’s the most beautiful thing that God created. I really love her and will always stay by her side no matter what. I just don’t know what to do sometimes…
(ENGLAND) Menopause is a hard battle I agree. Some days I feel like a complete wreck, another day I feel like I could run a marathon I wished. Men must find it hard to handle the mood swings etc, but maybe they should find out more about this once taboo subject. There is plenty of information out there. Instead of harping on about lack of sex etc they should think how the woman feel’s as well.
I’m not saying all men are like this but this old chestnut about their wives not wanting sex anymore does get annoying. Of course it is important but isn’t it quality not quantity that matters? Chaps, be grateful for what you get. Relationships aren’t easy. I know that but there are other things to consider, loyalty, warm and friendship for instance.
(USA) Has this women thought through any of this? If sex were simply an orgasm, we would not even need wives. Is this obscure? I have understanding about a woman’s needs but have no time for the double standard. Sex is like the security we try to provide. If I decided to withhold that need whenever I felt like it I wouldn’t last a month.
Men are the simplest non-animal on the planet. Have the same rules for both sides of the equation. Tim
(UNITED STATES) I am totally in agreement with you! It has been six months of no-contact between my wife and I. She’s been asking me for months “What do you do for me?” So finally the other night I had enough and told her just a small amount of the hundreds of things and sacrifices I have made for her. I can’t believe she would even ask! They are obvious.
Well, that didn’t go over well but I think it did at least bring her into reality a bit. Still no sexual contact but we have been getting along better. I want this marriage to work so bad! I am approached often by women who don’t know me but so far have not strayed. I don’t want to! I love my wife! At this point I would be satisfied with even one night of romance a month! I know she’s going through a lot and I try daily to help her with it but geez please if she could give me just a small portion of what I’m giving her! Something to show that she gives a hoot.
(USA) Paul, You are entering into one of the most challenging periods in your marriage. My wife and I have been going through this for over a year now and, if you have read all the posts from everyone, you will know how difficult and confusing this time is. In my sitiuation, I wish my wife would admit to what is going on and be proactive in dealing with her change (and I would be there supporting her all the way). Try to be patient and take the high road in the face of all her hostility. This is very, very hard.
Learn all you can about what is happening to her and what you can do to help. When you do something for her, do not expect anything in return but know that you are doing what is right. Pray for her and yourself. This is a time of sacrifice for you… there is no other way around it if you are choosing to stay and get through this. Your friend in Christ, Jay