Originally, this message was titled, Why Women Leave Men, but in re-thinking this message it seems sensible to address why the “leaving” is happening on both the wives and the husband’s parts. Of course this message can’t be all inclusive, but hopefully it will shed light for some who are in the dark and promote good discussion — particularly in the comment section below this message.
Why do husbands and wives leave marriages they promised to be in for the rest of their lives? It’s simple — because they can. Sometimes leaving seems easier than staying committed and working things out. And lets face it, it’s easier to divorce in today’s world.
So, as we look at this subject, please understand we are going to address this in “general” terms as it will apply to MOST husbands and wives. We understand there are exceptions. And as you read this, first pray and ask God to show you what YOU should get from this and APPLY to your own life and marriage.
If you ask a woman why a wife would leave her marriage she’ll give answers like:
- “She feels lonely and abandoned”…
- “The only time he pays attention to her is when he wants something” (and we all know what the “something” is)…
- “He’s having an affair either emotionally,viewing pornography or physically…
- “She feels disconnected — that he doesn’t include her in important matters, or even unimportant matters”…
- “That he seems to care more about other things like TV than he does about her”
And the list goes on and on and on. But most of the reasons had to do with feelings and emotions.
Now, when you ask a man why a husband would leave his marriage, our first response is usually a blank stare followed by the words, “I dunno.” At least that was my first response. But I (Steve) was curious — I wanted to see what the “experts” had to say about the reasons men give for leaving their wives.
As I did an Internet search on this topic I discovered two things: First, there’s not much that addresses this side of the problem. And second, what I could find pretty much summed it all up in three categories:
- Boredom. This is often expressed when he says, “I simply fell out of love” or something along that line…
- Cheating. The husband discovers his wife is having an affair or he’s having an affair…
- Other. This category is a “catch-all” for a number of different reasons men have given. These would include feeling disrespected or emasculated, mental problems, physical or sexual problems, child-bearing issues, personal habits, financial problems, etc.
Because we hear from so many husbands whose wives have left (and they don’t understand, “why”) and from so many wives who say they’re “fed up” and are about ready to walk out or have already left, we want to give you some insight from Dr. Willard Harley in a helpful article he wrote called, “Why Women Leave Men.” And while this focuses on the issue from a wife’s angle, you can see a husband’s perspective as well. Our prayer is that God will help us ALL learn from what Dr. Harley shares.
Harley writes,
“Each day I’m confronted by women who are extremely frustrated with their marriages. Usually, they express no hope that their husbands will ever understand what it is that frustrates them—let alone change enough to solve the problem. From their perspective, marital problems are created by their husbands who do little or nothing to solve them. Wives tend to see themselves as the major force for resolving conflicts, and when they give up their effort, the marriage is usually over.
“When I talk to their husbands, they usually have a different explanation as to why their wives feel the way they do. They often feel that the expectations of women in general and their wives in particular, have grown completely out of reach. These men, who feel that they’ve made a gigantic effort to be caring and sensitive to their wives, get no credit whatsoever for their sizable contribution to the family. They feel under enormous pressure to improve their financial support, improve the way they raise their children, and improve the way they treat their wives. Many men I see are emotionally exhausted and fell that for all their effort, they get nothing but criticism.
“Men’s perceived failure to satisfy their wives is punctuated by the fact that women file for divorce twice as much as men. In other words, their unhappiness with marriage often results in divorce. The most common reason women give for leaving their husband’s is ‘mental cruelty.’ When legal grounds for divorce are stated, about half report they’ve been emotionally abused. But the mental cruelty they describe is rarely the result of their husbands efforts to drive them crazy. It’s usually husbands being indifferent, failing to communicate and demonstrating forms of neglect.
“When all forms of spousal neglect are grouped together, we find it’s far ahead of all other reasons combined that women leave men. Surprisingly few women divorce because of physical abuse, infidelity, alcoholism, criminal behavior, or other serious grounds. In fact, I find myself bewildered by women in serious physical danger refusing to leave the men that threaten their safety. Simply stated, women leave men when they’re neglected. Neglect accounts for almost all reasons women leave and divorce men.”
Harley continues,
“…Some of the most common complaints I hear from women is, “He ignores me except when he wants sex, he sits and watches television when he could be talking to me, he rarely calls to see how I’m doing, he hurts my feelings and never apologizes; Instead, he tells me I’m too sensitive.” Most husbands are mystified by these complaints. They feel their wives demand too much, and that most other women would be ecstatic to be married to them. Their wives have become spoiled, take their efforts for granted and have unrealistic expectations.
“Do women expect too much from their husbands or are men doing less for their wives than they should?” (To continue to read more of this article and solutions Dr Harley gives, please click onto “Why Women Leave Men.”)
Cindy and I answer Harley’s question with a “Yes and Yes!” We have found that both husbands and wives come into marriage with unrealistic (and often, unexpressed) expectations which set them up later for big problems as illustrated above. It’s not difficult to “trash” your marriage, as you can read in the following article “Trash Your Marriage” (which will also give you ways to ways to clean it up).
At one time or another in our nearly 38 years of marriage we’ve both been guilty of much of what Dr. Harley described. Cindy would readily admit that she expected too much from me and, sadly, I was neglectful of many of her needs, not realizing how important they were to her.
To us, the bigger question relating to this subject is, “How can we change the pattern of divorce that is so pervasive in the Christian church today?” I think we found an answer simply stated in this quote from Walt Henrichsen in his devotional titled, Thoughts From The Diary Of A Desperate Man:
“You can do two things that most people cannot resist, love and serve them. Loving and serving is a ministry and you do not need special gifts to do it.”
Think about that this week. It goes with the scriptures,
“You were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other” (Galatians 5:13-15).
And how much closer of a neighbor can you get than a spouse? So, how can you love and serve each other? If you want or need some help, make marriage your marriage your mission and look around our web site to see what you can find that will help you. Be intentional in working to make your marriage the best it can be.
Also, here’s another article by Dr Harley that you might read through and apply to your marriage: “Fall in Love, Stay in Love.”
And go into the Romantic Ideas section read the articles, “100 Ways to Show Love to Your Wife HER Way,” and “100 Ways to Show Love to Your Husband HIS Way.” You might find it could help you come up with ideas to love and serve your spouse as God intends.
Steve and Cindy Wright
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(USA) Seems like the blame is once again being placed on men.
I thought marriage was about what you gave, and not about what you get. So while I buy Dr Harley’s theories about the Love Bank (I spent thousands with him in counseling trying to win my unfaithful former wife back to the marriage without success.) So what Dr Harley says here is only half the story. Because while the woman has this perception that her husband doesn’t hear her, etc, what of the faithful (but clueless) husband who finally gets it, and she refuses to hear him, has her affair, etc?
I think if you combine this willful unwillingness to listen or to try on the part of the wife, with the likely indirect messages she’s been sending to him for years you have the makings of a marital disaster, and not just because of the clueless man.
As Dr Harley says, these marriages don’t involve abuse or infidelity. They involve a man who is not doing the things the woman wants him to do. So she calls it neglect.
Now I believe he should do those things. But I don’t think his failure to do those things is a valid ground for choosing divorce, let alone choosing to have an affair.
In many of Dr Harley’s other writings, he equates affairs with the rape of a spouse. Yet this is not addressed here.
Again, the man is bad is the tacit message here, but nothing about how if she chooses an affair to have her emotional needs met, that she has abused her husband in a nuclear fashion, compared to the abuse known as emotional neglect.
Choosing an affair is far and away far more hurtful and damaging to the marriage when compared to his neglect. I’m not saying he should neglect his wife. He shouldn’t. But let’s look at what Dr Harley says here. Few of these women are abused and/or cheated upon.
So I’d call the men clueless, or focused on the wrong things. I know I was. If you would have asked me, I would have said, I’m at home every night, even changed jobs so I could be home like she asked, and then she didn’t want to be with me. I made a good living, so she could be a stay at home mom, drove the kids to school and to doctors appointment or soccer practice, etc. And when I asked her how things were going, how we were, the answer was ALWAYS "fine!."
I’d say probably 9 out of 10 men who had unfaithful wives have a similar story. We have our head down, working for the family, checking with our wives and hearing the "fine." Then BAM! She’s unhappy, wants to find herself (which is code for I’m looking for myself in another man’s bed) it was a mistake to marry you, etc.
Then you go to your church, ask them to assist in getting the marriage back on track, and they blame YOU for her affair. "What did you do to cause her to have an affair?" — Nothing, people choose and are responsible for their own behavior.
"Did you beat her?" — Nope, didn’t even yell at her, even when I found out about the affair.
"Well, you must have done something wrong?" — I’m sure she has valid complaints about the marriage, none of them justify an affair, do they?
What about church discipline, you know, Matthew 18?
"We don’t do that, it doesn’t work." — It’s in the Bible, we are to try to resolve differences by first going to the alleged sinning party, and then take a few witnesses if they don’t respond and finally bring the matter before the church.
"We don’t do that, it doesn’t work."
So what’s a Godly man supposed to do when his wife’s sin, such as choosing an affair, or choosing to divorce because she feels neglected goes unchallenged by those who have set themselves up as the pro-family beacon in our society?
(CANADA) The truth is I have been cheated on by women in the past and it was not due to neglect as I was attentive and caring.They were just cheaters. Cheaters are cheaters. “Oh my husband neglected me!MY emotional needs are not being met!” These are just excuses.Cheating is a choice not a means to coping with a problem. You are a cheater or you are not.
(US) I’d like to echo the previous poster’s comments. I, like many husbands, was left by my wife for another man. Did she have her reasons? Of course, only a crazy person would destroy a decade long relationship for no reason at all… But just because someone had a reason for doing what they did doesn’t make what they did okay.
Look, you ask any husband… "Is there anything about your wife or your marriage you would change?" And if he answered honestly, of course there is! No one is ‘perfect’, the wife does things the husband doesn’t like. He sacrifices things he’d rather not have sacrifice for her. He puts up with things he would rather not have to put up with. Etc etc etc…
But husbands aren’t looking at what they have to give or their unmet needs and using it as an excuse to walk out on their families in droves. I read a statistic the other day that 70-75% of ALL divorces are filed by the wives. I’m sorry, but i just can not believe that 3 out of every 4 husbands are Bad husbands.
All the ‘husbands’ I know are putting up with nagging wives, who do nothing but complain. If they contribute anything to the relationship at all, the husband never hears the end of it. I know TWO husbands, right of the top of my head who work (the wives don’t). The husbands do all the laundry, come home from work and cook dinner, do the dishes afterward and then spend the rest of the evening cleaning house and or other household chores… The wives rarely even get out of bed by 10am… And when they finally do get up, they spend most of their day goofing off on a computer or on the phone with their friends badmouthing their husbands.
I’ve discovered by having conversations with men I know, and wives via separate overlapping friendships, most women tell ridiculous lies about their husbands to justify their nasty attitudes towards their husbands.
Marriage is a two way street… neither party gets what they want when they want it how they want it all the time. And the problem with marriage today is obvious. We have an entire generation of women who have been taught that marriage is about being catered to, having HER needs met, and enjoying everything HE has to offer… and if things aren’t perfect, get a divorce and find another guy to leech off of… while continuing to leech off the first husband in the form of alimony, child support, etc… Women of this generation have turned marriage into a racketeering scheme.
No one condoned the age of ‘wife beating’ or guys out running around on their wives, or running off from their families. Women did it then too. No one ever thought it was OK… Now all you ever hear women say is "Men have been doing it for generations".
In other words, they say "It’s my goal in life to model the behavior of the lowliest scumbag".
Thankfully men are catching on and marriage rates are plummeting. I saw a statistic the other day that 28% of men will never marry or marry again by choice, and another 12% state they will only marry a non-US/foreign born lady or were already married to one. That’s already 40% of US males who have sworn off US females. That bears repeating… 40% of men in this country refuse to marry the women in this country. Why? It probably has something to do with the fact EVERY married man I know is relatively miserable and unhappy in his marriage. They’re working the job, supporting the family, etc… They’re kind, gentle husbands and neighbors and coworkers, and their wives? They’re mean, vindictive, self-centered, hateful people that no one but other wives wants to be around.
If you want to fix the sorry state of marriage in this country, you’re going to have to fix the sorry state of the average wife. They’re miserable cause they’re self-centered! They’re spoiled! Quit catering to them… you’re just making the situation worse.
(UNITED STATES) After reading your entire post, as well as the first post and the article, I’m a little shocked. I’m sorry you’ve had a rough go, but calling American wives self-centered, mean, hateful, vindictive, that’s a little much.
My husband and I just had our first child (he’s 4 months old), and we’ve been married for 5 months (you do the math, although we’ve known each other for 9 years). Over the course of our relationship; the stress of moving to a new city, pregnancy woes and demands, deciding not to put the baby in daycare (resulting in me becoming a stay at home mother), we’ve been through a lot.
As a stay at home mom, I see that it’s my responsibility to maintain the household. I wake up with the baby and my husband at 8am every morning. I do the laundry, the dishes, the vacuuming, the dusting, and the cooking..AND I have no issue with doing it. I never ask for help. I know he works every day to support our new family, for which I am immensely fortunate and appreciative.
Yesterday, I had an interview for a new job. A month after having our child, I started a new job (seasonal, that ended with Christmas and it came time to search again). Leaving the job that I had while I was pregnant was a huge blow to my self esteem and our wallet. I worked until 3 days before I gave birth..and that was only because my employer told me not to come back, to rest (I was 11 days late and still goin’ strong).
My husband makes enough that we aren’t in need. All the bills are paid and then some. We have enough saved up for extra hobbies and wants, AND the baby has his own chunk of money as well. We don’t spend beyond our means. I just feel it necessary to contribute. I’ve had good work ethic my whole life, and I don’t feel useless, but I feel I could be doing a little more.
Now following with the article, one of the first things that attracted me to my husband was his willingness to please. Backrubs at any time, compliments, sex, surprise gifts. He spoiled me to the hilt. When we moved in together, it slowed down almost to a stop. There’s no sex, no backrubs, no calls to ask how the day is going. He’s comfortable. He’s practically in his own world. While I realize that sometimes I feel needy, there are things I shouldn’t have to beg for.
I’m not bitter. I’m not mean or vindictive. I’m trying to keep us strong, especially when we aren’t far into marriage at all and already disagreeing. I just feel as though it’s one sided (his one-sidedness is with the television).
I love my husband. I’ve loved him since the day I met him. We aren’t perfect, our marriage isn’t perfect, but I love him. I’ve experienced divorce with my parents. I’ve seen my mother lose entire paychecks to her ex-husband’s child support demands. I’ve seen friends and my own family torn apart. Regardless of the neglect I may feel at one instant in what will be a life-long relationship (til death do us part), I don’t let it consume me. I don’t look for “ways out” or other men. I don’t treat him like crap. I deal with it and try to see what I may be doing wrong, to see both sides.
So while you’re entitled to your opinion and I’m entitled to mine, I find it pretty offensive that you resort to name calling and women bashing. Not every woman is a needy, spoiled, self-centered, lazy, brat. Before you start pointing the finger at women, consider there are exceptions, and that you’re on a Christian website.
(CANADA) Couldn’t have said it better myself. The majority of women I know treat their husbands poorly, and the only thing in the marriage they put 100% into is using their husband as an ATM and complaining about what they are not getting. Regardless of the how much they are getting.
A friend of mine just had his wife leave him and call him a loser. He provided a $1.6 million dollar home to live in, Annual vacations that usually cost $25-$30,000, A mercedes and an SUV for family vehicles, Designer clothes and $800 a month for nails and hair. After 9 years of marriage she took his son and is now chasing Richer men. For many women men are just ATMs.
Men are more loving than women and give more and we are being trained that we are bad and that we avoid comittment. The truth is in the numbers. It is women who lack committment. Men rarely leave and it is not because women have good reason. Could it be that women are the bad ones and that Men are the good ones?
(US) BTW, my ex-wife’s reason for running off with another man? She just didn’t love me any more.
Isn’t that just amazing? A husband is the only catagory of person someone can just magically wake up one day and not love anymore. No one ever stops loving their kids, their parents, their extended family… heck… no one even ever just stops loving their pets.
So when women stop treating their husbands worse than dogs… The state of marriage will improved.
(USA) After 12 years my wife decided to find herself, had her job, all the years of being there for her and her family through life’s events has no value seems. I did the best I could as a provider at home and work. I helped always around the home. Trouble is today’s women, not all, want fantasy land, nice cars, and trips, instead of counting their blessings in front of them.
When things were good in business/at our job, life was good. When the economy was bad it’s time to leave. These women who dishonor the covenant of marriage as no value, well, it’s a sad day in these times. Today’s wives, who leave their husbands, need to be transported back in time to pioneer days and left for a while.
The women today who leave marriage to find themselves are gathering in droves supporting each other destroying marriages. Yet when a crisis occurs after the wife departs, and you are there, be it in a hospital or other situation, I ask where’s your support group of women, in your time of need? They’re not there, because they’re home watching these manipulative talk shows or they’re out setting up to destroy another marriage. If the wife is being physically abused, she needs to get out and her husband needs a good [butt kicking].
Women who leave for greener pastures, their fantasy is short lived and the weeds start to grow fast, and their new don wan is a windbag out to get his fix and move on.
(UNITED STATES) I could not read all this heartbreaking information without responding with a poem I wrote many years ago.
The fact is that the flame of romance has gone out, and your wife is seeking to rekindle it. Maybe she’s so upset with you for whatever reason, that she just can’t imagine resolving it with you, or maybe she’s simply having regrets about a "what if" that she just can’t let go of. The bottom line is that there was a reason she married you and that reason must be rediscovered. Marriage is a two way street and EACH must give 100% of themselves into it, or it just won’t last.
So, here’s my poem:
We used to have good love
It used to be beautiful
You used to put your arms around me
And whisper in my ear
And say those words I long to hear
But you don’t do it anymore
Something’s gone I can’t ignore
Is it you or is it me
Or have I lost my sanity
Should I find somebody new
And do those things I long to do
An affair I’d have to hide
Could I do it if I tried?
The way it is I think I could
Someone to love would be so good
Someone to be with
Hold me tight
And not let me cry myself
to sleep at night…
Or can we work it out
Are you sure is there a doubt
This love I feel can’t be denied
I want to stay right by your side
So tell me what I want to hear
Whisper sweet things in my ear
Don’t let me down
Don’t let me cry
Sing to me
Love’s lullaby
(It’s not about the material things as much as the emotional things. It is nurturing that your wife needs and she is seeking it in the arms of another man, because he is working hard at winning her, and she thinks you have given up on nurturing her love.)
(USA) Vicki, It all sounds so over the top romantic. You seem to make so many assumptions, I barely know where to start.
First, it’s not ALL about emotion or romance. That’s ONE aspect of it, but one cannot live on emotion alone. And when emotion leads one to make sinful choices, then there is NO JUSTIFICATION for such choices. There is always forgiveness, but NEVER justification.
The giving of anything, time, talent or treasure is an emotional response. The man who provides for his family is not only honoring God, but is also responding emotionally to his wife.
What is extremely cruel is that such contributions are not considered romantic, or emotional but dismissed. How is dismissing such contributions considered a loving response? So while we often have women complaining about the lack of romance by the man, the irony is she is typically rejecting his romantic gestures and then complaining about the lack of romance.
It seems to me, these women have forgotten these men have chosen her, from the billions of women out there. He has brought her into his home. Often she is a stay at home mom, and he is the sole breadwinner. Yet that contribution is not seen for the emotional effort it is. It’s discounted. It might as well be rejected.
So while he is showing love to his wife by making a good living, providing for her and the children, she not only rejects the value of this contribution but considers or even has an affair, blaming him for the romantic fires going out.
Instead of speaking to him about it, or taking action to create the romance she wants, she often remains silent, and chooses another man, instead of putting that effort into her marriage.
What she wants is the fantasy of romance, without the reality of day to day living. I’m not saying the fantasy is bad. But to expect that to be the day to day reality is unrealistic.
She might say, before we married, we dated, etc. But that was before kids, before you wanted to decorate, before you wanted a yard, a garden, before you wanted to shop during the day while he worked.
Sure it was romantic before there were kids. You put all that effort you were putting into romancing him into the home and kids today.
Many call themselves romantic, yet the miss the most romantic aspect of all in marriage, being there. He comes home every night, he doesn’t cheat, doesn’t abuse, doesn’t even swear, and you fail to see the romance in this. He works during the day at a job, and at night he operates Dad’s Taxi taking kids to soccer, volleyball, karate, scouts, youth group, etc. Yet you fail to see the romance in that. He is there and has always been there for you and the kids.
But you fail to see it because it’s not like the daytime dramas or short stories in your women’s magazines. You know, that fantasy stuff.
You go to church and agree with the women about how bad porn is, but then justify the emotional porn that is fed to women that is just as unrealistic and just as damaging to relationships and intimacy as are the things that are targeted to men.
So go on, have your affairs, ignore the contributions your husbands make because they don’t match up with the standards of the magazines at the check out counters of your local market, or they don’t measure up to the standards of daytime television, or Sex and the City or Desperate Housewives.
Just disregard what the Bible says and ignore that your husband has laid down his life for you just as Christ did. He gave up being a bachelor, thinking only about himself to take you as his bride. He has done the most romantic thing possible, he has followed what the Bible teaches, and has given up his selfish existence to have a family with you.
But feel free to ignore all of that. To complain that he’s not emotionally available, or doesn’t have the emotional vocabulary, or use any of the other dozens of attacks that only seek to undermine men who are doing exactly what God wants them to do.
If you fail to see the romance in that, then I am truly heartbroken for all of those who say they want "more" when that more is nothing more than a fairy tale.
I’m sorry, life is not about telling someone what they WANT to hear. Sometimes the most loving thing in life is to tell someone the truth, even if it’s not what they want to hear.
Love is not a word, it’s an action. Anyone can say things that sound romantic. It takes real love to come home everyday, to deny one’s self and to give freely to his wife and family.
It’s my prayer that folks will wake up and see the real love that is displayed for them everyday, instead of pining away for some fairytale that is far from reality.
And the irony is, for someone to leave their spouse for love, they are proving by that action that they really don’t know what true love is.
True love doesn’t leave one’s partner. So how can one be looking for true love and leaving at the same time? It’s impossible. That’s a fantasy, not reality. True love doesn’t leave, and one looking for true love would NEVER even consider leaving.
(USA) So, I have been struggling with my marriage. I support him through his career, I appreciate all his hard work and dedication as my husband being the provider and father of my children. He is the bread winner; I am the stay at home mom of three. I am the soccer mom, taxi driver to soccer, school and anything alse my children are involved in. I do all of these things with no complaint and enjoy it all.
I cook, clean keep myself up for my husband, do homework, work during deployments as I do all of the above. These are things I am happy to do. He expressed that I don’t give him the physical attention that he needs, bought me books, had discussions.
He expressed that he was convinced this would never change on my part. I now initiate more often and I am intimate whenever he or I desire, and enjoy it. It has always been a healthy intimacy when it happened. We just get so wrapped up in our children’s and work that it consumes us and we lose track of marital intimacy.
Now that the intimacy is better, I have heard no complaints. What I am dealing with now is, there is no nurturing initiation from him. My back aches at night from numerous things, I have to ask for massages. It would be nice to have a nice warm bath run for me to relax, or maybe a breakfast made for me every other weekend. Yes, he has done these things in the past but there is no consistancy as I have worked on keeping up with his needs. I love him dearly, but find it hard to pull communication out of him with very few words, so a lot goes unsaid to prevent a heated temper and avoid conflict on any subject out of his comfort zone.
I also have lost my little brother to a car accident in Dec, 2007. He was so supportive when he came home from deployment before the funeral, but upon his return home, he seemed to forget what I am going through. So when I have break downs he has no idea how to comfort me. I understand it is difficult, i just wish he knew how to comfort me as his wife.
We have been through counseling with my initiation. He went for the first 4-5 sessions. He then said he felt he was being blamed and stopped going and agreed to go back if we were to see a man. That has not happened.
I would never cheat as I am a faithful dedicated wife, whose life’s desire is to live a long strong healthy loving life with my husband.
(USA) Hello Tony, Thank you for your post. It’s well written and teaches wives men’s perspective of things. It also helps us women to accept men as different but complimentary to us. We therefore should appeciate whatever efforts men make without passing judgement. If we were the same we wouldn’t need each other. It’s the uniqueness of each sex that should bind us together.
(USA) Thank you Tony for responding so quickly. I just finished reading The Power of a Praying Wife, and I do understand everything you’ve said. Please understand that I wrote that poem many years ago, and am still a devoted wife to my husband of 19 years. There is a lot of romanticism in that poem, (I wrote it 5 years into my marriage) and I agree there is MUCH more to a marriage than romance.
I shared it because I mistakenly thought I could offer insight into why a wife might stray… not because she did or would. I understand too, that many times it is the person pining about the ‘missing’ romance who is the one rejecting it… this was the case with me.
You make a point that in many cases the wife is a homemaker, and does little to support the supportive aspect of the household (financially and securely speaking). But, does she prepare meals? Clean the house? Wash the clothes? Or does she waste her life in dreamland?
In my own circumstance, my husband became abusive to me, which pushed me further into a shell. I ended up suffering from a ten year long severe major depression because I couldn’t get over the idea that I’d made a huge mistake.
But the miracle came when I realized I was creating my own misery. I did leave my husband one summer, but he was generous enough to accept me back into his life, and we are now stronger for it.
I wish there was less heartache and anger in this world, but many times it is through these trials that we become better people in the end. I can only wonder that if she really was so cruel to leave you after all your effort, aren’t you better off without the burden of her worldly needs? It’s difficult to embrace rejection, but sometimes it helps to put into perspective.
I was fortunate to have a mutually forgiving experience, and the kids have been a tremendous reward for me. We still have our troubles, and we have to overcome many obstacles, but at this stage it is a welcome experience, and we are energized for it. I wish everyone could be happy, but again I am imagining the ‘fairytale’ and you are correct that many women place a heavy emphasis on this fantasy. This is what makes men and women so unique.
I only beg you to understand that when the ‘dream’ fades, and reality sets in, sometimes a simple hug is the missing element. Sometimes not… I knew a woman who was married 50 years. I asked her what her secret to a happy marriage was. She held my hand and told me that happiness is just a point of view and a good marriage takes a lot of hard work. Her secret was that she and her husband went on a date every week, even when they didn’t want to.
I thought it sounded cumbersome, but since we adopted this, my marriage has become so much stronger. And the best part is that sometimes the date is simply a walk in the woods – a freebie!
But – it is still just one perspective.
As you so eloquently point out, there are many more perspectives. Unfortunately, some women would rather leave a marriage than work at saving it.
(USA) Hi Tony, Why do women love jerks? Because jerks romance a woman. They listen to her, spend time with her, give her attention, even if that attention is in the form of abuse, insults and lies. It is preferable to no attention.
So, if you could please your wife and save your marriage by sitting a listening to her for 1/2 hour a day, INSTEAD of being a taxi (are you really "present" if you are being a taxi?) would you do it? Let the kids stay home and play in the yard instead of avoiding your wife’s complaints by driving the kids all over creation. Listen to your wife and give her what she says she wants, instead of what you THINK she wants. So what if she wants the mush she sees in the magazines? How expensive is it to compliment her? Chocolates are pretty cheap, too.
Basically, we give people what we think they want… not what they really want. I remember a man I dated asked me what I wanted for Valentine’s day. I said I wanted him to write me a letter telling me how he felt about me. Instead he spent a $100 on gifts of roses and balloons. I appreciated the gifts, but I felt sad that he had wasted his money when he was in no financial position to do so, and I was also sad that he would waste his food money rather than expose himself emotionally. I would have appreciated, treasured and remembered the letter for a life-time, probably even laminated it.
Do you get the picture? What women really want is actually probably cheaper and maybe easier than what you are giving her. And yes, what she wants will change. But isn’t just listening easier than divorce? I think for many men being "right" is preferable to being "happy." Doing it their way is better than listening to their "illogical" wives. I don’t know about you, but sometimes the high ground is a pretty lonely place.
(USA) The posted messages are very emotional. But the sad part is that the negative results like unfaithfulness and divorce have come due to the realities of what was initially stated in the article. There are situations when a man can only do so much, but most of the time before a woman becomes silent, before a woman becomes distant, before a woman gives up – there are many attempts that she has brought forth in order to send out a signal that things are not right.
The so called "nagging" that most men choose to ignore, is a woman trying to ask you to change a behavior that hurts her. Listen to her, no one ever wants to be a nag, she is only desperate for you to team up with her to make this marriage work.
The distance is the resentment that she feels for her disappointment, the behavior that you have not changed… etc. The unfaithful thoughts come after she has been ignored, traded for the Internet, etc.
I am a female in my early 30’s married for almost nine years. I too work and pay 50% of the bills. We both do house chores. We have a child who I’d love to give more attention to but I am stuck in a decent paying job that needs to be there to maintain our lifestyle; not a lifestyle that I chose but one that I agreed to. I have partly paid for his education BS and current MBA. I have been there for him even in very difficult times. I can’t say the same.
I have asked him to change – he always lets me down. I have told him that something with our lifestyle needs to change – he said that things need to be the same. I have brought to his attention time and time again that I feel ignored, traded, stuck, unloved, and unsupported. Things are still the same in over two years. Yes, I love him but am I wasting my life? I am hurt.
Listen to your wife before it’s too late. There is a reason for the NAGGING – this is good, it means that your wife is trying to work on what you have, LISTEN to her, her needs are important too. DO NOT IGNORE her. A sad, bitter woman is one that has not been loved properly. A woman need to feel loved. SUPPORT her emotionally. This is the action that makes you play your role as a man, who provides safety and shelter. BE A MAN. It’s okay to set boundaries if you think you’re doing too much. LOVE your wife and put an EFFORT into your marriage. You being there physically with no interaction with your wife isn’t healthy. Be careful when SILENCE comes; then it may be over or your wife may be there but has given up. It is time to work overtime in your marriage, don’t do it one or two days -change your perspective, work on it continuously.
You may not want to hear what the article states, you may not want to hear what the poem states, but these things are true. If she loves you and you are a good husband you will have a happy wife and home; not fairytale happy, because life isn’t a fairytale. But you know that through anything you have each other. If this balance isn’t equally distributed – then you have a volatile marriage.
(S. AFRICA) To all those dear and hurting women I have to say I fully understand. I have put up with 4 years of unfaithfulness and taken my husband back every time. I have tried showing only kindness and forgiveness. I have prayed till my knees are sore. We have been to counseling. He is now working in Libya (he signed a three year working contract without even discussing it with me). He is happy to be far away and shows no interest in the problems I have back here back home.
I have offered to sell everything and be with him but he does not want me. We have been married for 35yrs and now this. He says he does not love me anymore and it would be unfair to me if he comes back. What more can one do. I have prayed to God to intervene but if my husband closes his heart to the voice of the Holy Spirit there is not more that can be done. My husband has now stopped all communication and wants to be left alone.
I have given up. I have told him I hope he finds the happiness he is seeking for and not to come back. I am sorry and hope I have not let God down but one can only take so much rejection. I will move on with Gods strength. I will be happy again one day.
(CANADA) Sorry to hear your pain. It must be awful. He does not deserve you. I hope you find someone who appreciates you more. You deserve it.