What do you do with the situation where a spouse comes home from work exhausted and the other spouse wants to “talk” instead of allowing them to decompress for a while like they think they need to do?

Let’s say that’s happening to you. And then when you tell them that you’re tired, they complain that either you don’t love them, or that something is wrong if you don’t want to talk. Or maybe they tell you that they’re tired too but they need for you to talk to them and/or they need your help. This is such a common problem for so many marriages! Steve and I (Cindy) have been there ourselves many, many times.

What we’ve learned is that both of us have different expectations on each other, as far as what is expected when the spouse comes home (which we’ve needed to talk about at times). We’ve also learned that we have different needs when we come home from being away. Most (but not all) women feel a need to connect by talking when we’ve been away from our spouse and then we feel we can relax (or do other things). Actually, talking is a form of relaxing for us.

But most (not all) men feel a need to have time to either totally space out and/or do mindless things for a while before they feel restored enough to connect in a social way. Talking is the last thing they want to do and they don’t see it as a form of relaxing. It takes energy they may not have at that moment in time.

And lets face it — some spouses are just plain selfish and don’t want to make the effort to connect at any point because they either don’t see the need (because it hasn’t been explained in a way that they “get it”) or they don’t understand the need (because their own perspective is clouding their understanding) or they’re narcissistic and they just don’t care.

We hope your spouse isn’t this type of person. If he or she is, then you truly need to keep taking it to the Lord in prayer to ask Him to give you insight as to how to make this situation work for you.

Something that Steve and I have learned is: that having a good marriage doesn’t come without stretching ourselves and learning how to best serve the needs of each other. We’re continually learning what each of us needs (whether we fully understand why they should have that need or not).

We then make it our mission to sit down and talk about how we can meet each need in a way that works for both of us. I learn from Steve and he learns from me and we both have helped the other to stretch and grow—as marital partners, as individuals, and as servants of Christ.

It’s been a long journey, with lots of ups and downs, but it’s also been a very rewarding and fulfilling one because we’ve grown in so many ways. And as we serve each other we also can sense the pleasure in our Heavenly Father’s heart. And that’s the most rewarding part of all!

With that said, we’d like to share something that came to us through the ministry of Gary Smalley (which inspired this marriage message). His ministry sends out periodical e-magazine messages (which you need to have access to the internet to read them in their entirety). If you’re interested in subscribing, you can do so on their web site at: www.dnaofrelationships.com.

The following is the one he sent out this week. We hope you’ll pray about it and see if the Lord has a message in it for your marriage. The following question was proposed with the answer preceding it:

Q: My wife and I are constantly arguing about my “wind down” time. When I get home from work I am exhausted. I work a highly stressful job. All I ask for is a little “wind down” time in the evening. She thinks I have a problem with my feelings because I won’t open up and share.

I’m TIRED, not depressed or going through a mental breakdown. Not to mention all of the chores I need to get done before the sun goes down. Where’s the balance? What can I do to get my wife off my back?

A: What if I told you that 20 minutes each night may ease this recurring conflict? My friend, she needs to talk; it’s necessary to her happiness, her security, and even to her health.

Whether you want to talk doesn’t matter. If you love her you will want to meet her deepest needs.

Increasing verbal communication is not as painful as men may think. Marriage expert John Gottman says a minimum of twenty minutes a day in true communication with each other decreases a couple’s chances of divorce and greatly increases marital satisfaction. Just twenty minutes a day listening and talking with your mate, understanding each other’s heart, and valuing each other’s words. Who doesn’t have at least that much time?

I know how we men are. When you come home in the evening, you’ve provided, so you’ve done your share. Your wife, however, still needs to spend her word allotment for the day—specially if she’s stayed at home all day—so she chatters all through dinner. To you the conversation may seem disjointed and unrelated to anything really important. It doesn’t make more money. It doesn’t provide anything. Dinner is over and she’s still talking. You wonder why you’re still sitting here.

Now she wants to take coffee out to the front porch and continue the conversation. You want to head for the garage and fix that sputtering lawn mower.

Now stop and think, men. What’s more important to you, the lawn mower, the hobby, cleaning the fishing pole for tomorrow’s trip… or your wife? Remember, you’d die for her, right? “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25 NIV).

Promise me you’ll give the 20 minutes a shot!

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We’d like to add something else to consider. Talk together as a married team to decide what time works best for all concerned. Does he want uninterrupted time right after work and then he makes a point to connect with her afterwards? Or does he want his alone time a little later?

But at some point, if they have children, he should give her some time when he takes them apart from her to connect with them, and gives her some uninterrupted time also. This way they both have time to themselves as well as time together. It’s called negotiating and compromising. A good marriage is one where you both learn the art of doing that! It may be a struggle to get through issues like this that need negotiating and compromising, but it’s so very worth it in the end.

Remember, you’re both in this marriage as a team to work together for the betterment of your marriage, and yourselves as individuals, and also for the kingdom of God. As your marriage grows healthy, and reflects the love of God to those around you, others will naturally want to know your “secret” and want to know your God better.

If God can help your marriage to be a loving one, it’s a living testimony of the possibilities of what He can do for them also!

We pray this has been helpful for your marriage.

Our love and prayers are with you,
Cindy and Steve Wright

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