It’s too bad that we have such a “comparison shopping” mentality in today’s world. And that doesn’t just pertain to apples and bananas. When things don’t go the way we want them to financially and/or relationally, we can also get caught up into comparing our circumstance and our relationship with our spouse, with what others have or what we think we should have.
It can start out innocent enough, but eventually it can lead to trouble. We might not even be conscious that we’re doing anything wrong — after-all, it’s “natural” to want more than we have when we’re unhappy. But it can leave us open to putting our eyes, and our hopes —our longings, where they shouldn’t go, and even dreaming for something that isn’t ours to dream about.
It leaves us open to listening to the tempting voices which the enemy of our faith is ready to supply when we’re unhappy.
We’re told in the Bible: “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23).
It also says, “Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm. Do not swerve to the right or to the left; keep your foot from evil” (Proverbs 4:25-27).
Wishing and hoping to the point of being so discontent that you leave your heart unguarded, can be dangerous. How many times we’ve heard the statement said, “We never meant for it to happen, it just did!” That’s why we want to warn you to guard your heart and put your eyes on your own path —not someone else’s.
Below, we have provided several links to articles that discuss this very problem. We hope you’ll prayerfully read them and ask the Lord to teach you what you need to learn from them — either for your own situation or to share with someone else.
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To read a very candid testimony concerning this struggle in a married woman’s life and additional helpful information, please click onto the following web site link which was sent anonymously into this ministry: http://sustainedhope.wordpress.com/2009/01/16/overcoming-sexual-and-emotional-fantasies/
(U.S.) I am somewhat bothered because I cannot get a certain man off of my mind. It is purely a sexual attraction which is frightening because I love my husband dearly and he is a good man. It is hard for me to feel a sexual attraction towards my husband. I had a low libido once we got married because I took the birth control pill. I thought that I just was no longer interested in sex. Well we started trying to have a baby a couple of months ago and my libido is in tact again and I think it’s because I stopped the pill. However, I do not feel attracted to my husband in the bed.
I now have a co-worker who I am feeling a sexual attraction to. I don’t want to be with him for any emotional reasons, but I do have fantasies about having sex with him. I love my husband and he is a good man, but I cannot stop imagining this other guy. To make things worse, I think the other guy has picked up on a sexual energy coming from me. Please help me, I need some guidance in this crisis. Thank you.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi. I am at a stage where I am strongly tempted to have an affair just so I can have someone to hold me, laugh with me, talk to me, tell me they love, etc, all the things that husbands are supposed to do to their wives. Both my husband and I are strong Christians and there is just one area in our lives that needs fixing and that is our marriage.
I love my husband and have been married to him for 14 years. From the onset he was never one to show emotion and over the years we have talked about it and I have lived a lie pretending that all is well but now I just cannot bring myself to pretend that these things do not matter. In the time that I have been married to him, we have only been away on holiday together as a couple once (money is not an issue). All outings like dinner, movies, etc I’ve initiated and had to force him to come with me.
In the past two years we have not been anyway because I made a decision that if he enjoys my company and wants to spend time with me, he must initiate and sad to say that he has not and he does not see anything wrong with it. As a result I have grown cold and even when he touches me it feels strange as I am not used to him touching me even though we sleep in the same bed night after night. I know for a fact that this is not how God intended it to be. I need help fast.
(RSA) Hi. I’ve been married to a sensitive, loving man for 6 years. He’s a fantastic father to his 3 yr old. However… our marriage is in shambles, we haven’t had sex for over a month now because he’s afraid his mother will hear us & when we do try to be intimate it’s rough & quick (before the baby wakes up or before someone catches us “in action” – there’s always a silly excuse).
We hardly talk as he’s glued to the TV or listening to the radio on our drives to work/shops or anywhere. His mother runs my household. I don’t cook or do anything for my husband because his mother can do it & will do it better than me I suppose.
My husband is the eldest & feels obliged to look after her since the death of my father-in -law (God bless his soul). I want to do things in my house without the interference of another woman. I want to keep my kitchen the way I like it to be & it’s really hard because there’s 2 women in this kitchen & according to my knowledge that never works. I’ve suggested that we put her in a Old age home or get an apartment for her. He keeps saying next coming year… it hasn’t materialized after 3 years of pleading.
I’m on bended knee night after night, looking for any answers to this dilemma. I like my mother in law, I just DON’T like living in the same house as her. These problems have started emotions in my heart like my husband is having affairs or that I can get another man who will not sacrifice my happiness for his mother.
I know the Bible says look after orphans & widows but that doesn’t mean we must remain unhappy & unfulfilled – or does it? Is being Christian only about sacrifices, no smiles or laughter… just obedience & sweeping behind others??? I’m a bit upset with God right now, I really want to leave my husband (I have before), all I know is we can’t carry on like this.
I’m scared I will start looking for attention else where – I work in a very busy industry filled with parties & promotions. I meet nice guys & sometimes take off my wedding band so I can “invite” this unfaithfulness… I am a mess! I just want my family to be together without someone with habits I cannot stomach around. Jesus hear me!!!!!! The devil is having a ball with me!!!!!
(SOUTH AFRICA) Thanks for all your comments, they really did help me indeed, and for the article Wishing He Was My Husband. I am a Christian married woman who loves the God & my husband. But for some reason I started having an emotional affair with my ex 3 days ago. I have not seen him in 10 years. We speak on the phone about our old times together, and I am thinking it would have been good to have married him. He is educated, he has a house and is married. He takes good care of his wife & child.
My husband is working but is making very little money a month. I am the one with a higher salary. He is unable to provide for us. I take most responsibilities. Sometimes I think he is useless. He never comes to me to say he is thankful to have me in his life. I pay medical aid, life policies, funeral covers, school fees etc. I expect him to realise that I do a lot of things and that he will appreciate me.
So I started calling my 1st love 3 days ago. We are far apart and we will never see one another. I was thinking if I married to him my life would have been better, although my hubby is a Christian.
After reading comments and the article, I felt better and I am going to pray about my situation and that God will come into my marriage and maybe bless my husband with a better job etc. Thanks
(MALTA) Hi everyone, I have actually posted this on another post here called Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair…I am posting here again just to occupy my mind…
I have ended an emotional affair with a married man three weeks ago and have been trying everything to fill the void with something else, so that I would not ever fall again.
It’s great to be able to read so much about God, because God is the reason why I have ended it… I kept the tenth commandment in my mind “thou shalt not covet…” I was also so afraid that one day his wife would find any of the emails we have exchanged and then I would be the culprit for a person being hurt. I did not want that responsibility. We have only ever exchanged emails but they were intense and the reason why I am feeling such intense emotions is because THIS GUY SEEMED SO PERFECT FOR ME! Yet, as I told him, he couldn’t be so perfect because the perfect man in my life would not seek comfort with another woman while married to someone else.
Anyway, I just needed to vent… just trying to fill up this void so that I would not be tempted to contact him. He sent me an email yesterday after 3 weeks of no contact. I thanked him, sent him hugs back and managed to say the right things so that he would not contact me again (I prayed so much to God before sending that reply).
This guy is married with two young children… He has an emotional gap in his marriage and I was trying to get over a difficult time in my life because the person I loved so much left me out of the blue. We found solace in each other. We found friendship. We laughed together, we spoke about life, psychology, philosophy and God. After 8 months emailing every day while at work, I ended it because I did not want to think in a sinful way anymore. Although our emails were ‘friendly’ I guess we both knew there was an underlying game beneath them… and the reason we stopped communicating is because I asked him what was really happening between us. He answered honestly… we both realised that we had fallen in love and we were both afraid of this.
I feel lost now and empty… I know I’ve done the right thing and that if we continued communicating it would have led to physical contact and would also have brought a lot of heartbreak to many people. Doing the right thing is so hard though.
I also wonder if he is working on making his marriage better. I wonder if he is hurting as much as I am… I wonder if he will just continue his life and then start an emotional affair with another woman… and I wonder why I’m wondering. I just know that I am having difficulty in not fantasizing that one day he will turn up in my life not married… and it sickens me that I am thinking like this… such an internal struggle with good and bad thoughts!!!
(SA) Hi Sophie, Yes you did the right thing by ending it before it even gets to physical contact. Maybe you need to send him an email and advise him to sort his marital problems. I think you are worried about his wife & kids. After sending an email try and stop wondering what and what not about him, and instead pray that you forget to think about him on a romantic level.
God is always there for our needs and he helps those who help themselves. If you dwell on thinking about him you will eventually go back to him again, which is wrong, and it will minimize your chances of meeting someone you love. The prince of your dreams is on his way. Just pray to God that the two of you meet soon. Good luck dear.
(MALTA) Hi Julia, thank you so much for replying and for the encouragement. Yes, I had already sent him an email and even advice on how to change things in his marriage and work on a happier relationship. The good thing is that through me, he did realize what he was lacking and he did want to make things better. Saying goodbye was very hard for both of us. But definitely the right thing to do for both of us.
I pray to God all the time to give me the right thoughts to think about, because of course, I can’t get him out of my mind so easily. And I always keep in mind that when one door closes, another one opens. These forums are great to keep my mind occupied and to hear encouragement from other people. Thanks again Julia.